Dreams Derailed

I was at a point on the rock face (about 60 feet from the ground) where the next foothold was just out of reach. In order to keep going up, I needed to reach it. I carefully stretched for it but could not make it. I searched for alternatives and tentatively kept retrying for the hold out of grasp. In rock climbing, footholds are often not secure until you put your weight on your foot. With the hold out of reach I could not shift my weight there to test it. The instructor, my belayer (the person holding my safety rope), after patiently waiting for me to explore all options (several times), said, “You have to ‘commit to the move,’ you have to go for it with everything, without hesitancy, it will be there.” Perched on the rock face, I went for it, with everything; I committed, I reached out, put my foot on the hold, boldly shifted my weight, and it was there. I was secure, and I finished the climb.

The lesson for me was commitment: “You have to commit to the move.” With each transition I make in my life, that lesson comes back. You cannot change your life with hesitancy. Risk, courage, trust, faith, and commitment are the core values that have guided my life over the past few years—each a lesson learned while changing my life and moving in new and different directions.

Over the years, I have changed careers twice. Each move was risky, and each opened new, unimagined doors. I believe that that is part of risk—not being able to see what is ahead. My lesson was that in taking risks, new opportunities appear. If I sit in the same place and do not move, I do not even see the opportunities. My values of trust, faith, and courage come into play here when taking the risk to move: trusting myself, having faith that all will be well, and moving with courage. And I have to remind myself of these lessons as I move into new territories.
I have created dreams from these values, cycling across the country, changing jobs, learning a whole new industry of outdoor adventure education, and then the biggest dream, creating family through adoption. Over these years, part of what I have tried to do is live intentionally.

Having children was a lifelong dream and one that I waited to take action on until into my late thirties. We quickly figured out that our family was going to be created through adoption, and we jumped through every hoop of paperwork, fingerprinting, background checks, and forms to adopt a beautiful baby from Vietnam. We traveled to Vietnam to finalize our adoption of Jackson and bring him home.

Creating dreams is one of my passions, but with this one we got thrown way off course, and so unexpectedly. On our flight from Hanoi to Ho Chi Minh City, Jackson stopped breathing. A doctor on the flight performed CPR, an ambulance met the flight, but ultimately, he died. We moved through the time in Vietnam before we could bring him home in a daze. Now I realize that the fog that came over me has taken several years to lift. The death of a child is beyond imagination. It changed our lives, forever.

But what do you do when your dream gets derailed in such a major way? We worked, we took every action we could think of to move through our grief and to begin our healing. We sought out help—support groups, grief counseling. We did some of the things that were healing for us—cycling, running, building, gardening—and we cried. Jackson came home, and we had a remembrance service for him. Since no one had met him, we introduced him to our friends and family through stories, memories, and pictures. We buried him at a cemetery near our home. The women at the orphanage in Hanoi said he should be buried with children, so he is in the children’s section of the cemetery, and the cemetery is across from the elementary school.

We knew that we were on the right path. We had faith and trust in our desire and dream to parent. We learned from Jackson a total and complete love that we had not experienced before, and that love continued after he was gone. I felt stronger in my conviction that I wanted to parent. Jackson is always in our hearts. My love for him was so complete, and I believe his love for us was deep.

In searching for answers, I met with a Buddhist monk. The monk told me that he thought it was amazing that this soul could call us halfway around the world to come and love him for a week and give him enough love in that week to move on, that he was on a path and it was a good path. I walked, a walking meditation for Jack at the Buddhist monastery and many more in labyrinths, and I found connection with him there and here in our home. I sat in the silence to hear him.

Later that summer, we were able to apply again to Vietnam to adopt a child and within months were traveling to Vietnam to meet her. The rules had changed, and we were required to travel twice, once to file our application and meet the baby, and a second time to pick her up and finalize the adoption.

Again, values came into play. We risked our hearts to adopt another beautiful, perfect baby, this time a girl. We traveled the same path to Vietnam twice, prayed through long flights to get her home, and summoned every ounce of courage. Despite the blow I had taken to trusting in myself, I had to risk and believe that our path was right. Our commitment to family never wavered. As new obstacles appeared, we dealt with them and persevered.

Dreams get derailed every day. Not each derailing is as tragic. Sometimes we derail a dream ourselves with our own fears or limitations. Sometimes other types of changes in our lives or circumstances are the cause. Dreams can be put back on track. With inner strength, determination, commitment, and perseverance you can achieve the dreams you set out to.

I still live my life taking risks, following my heart, and creating dreams. I know that in the midst of them the plan can be totally toppled, and it can be devastating. And I know that I have an inner strength to carry me through. Creating dreams is work; it requires consistent action. Overcoming obstacles, devastations, or whatever else is thrown in the way also requires work, and with intentional work the dream can continue to be realized. For me, having clear core values has helped me to stay on the journey. When I get scared and want to jump ship, I am reminded that I have to totally commit to the move. I have to trust myself and my instincts. I have to take risks to move my dreams forward and have faith that I am on the right path. Throughout it all, I walk with courage to live my dreams.

** This article is one of 101 great articles that were published in 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life. To get complete details on “101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life”, visit http://www.selfgrowth.com/greatways3.html