Choices, Choices, Choices

CHOICES, CHOICES, CHOICES

By Bill Cottringer

Probably the one thing we think about and do more than anything else in life is making choices. Many times we even have to choose to make a choice or not. We generally make choices from either our heads or our hearts, but usually somewhere in between. And they can be either conscious or unconscious, but again usually somewhere in between.

We try to get enough information to make the right choices that will result in the best outcomes. However, in the end we usually have to take a leap of faith, especially when it comes to predicting and being certain enough about the outcomes of our choices to feel comfortable enough to make them. Eventually we do have to let go and do or not.

There doesn’t seem to be an easy or quick way to learn how to make the right choices without first making the wrong ones, maybe to know the difference. But after awhile we learn the truth of what goes around comes around. This is just another way of saying, when we figure out what the right choice to make is and then do it—without second guessing ourselves or anticipating all sorts of outcomes ahead of time—we get the right consequences; when we don’t we get everything else. This is the simple but profound law of Karma.

This right choice-right results/wrong choice-wrong results process is life’s main learning lesson that doesn’t come quickly or easily. Early Psychologists even had a theory named after this reality and called it Behavior Modification. They just didn’t realize how huge this idea was, because it really represents the way life is, not just people’s symptom removal and learning gains.

Some choices are obviously harder to make and some have more far reaching impact than others. Here are ten huge choices that have mega impact on the realities we create for ourselves; but oddly it seems to take a long time to become aware enough of these choices to be able to make them consciously. At times they even seem to be out of our control. And they are so basic and so close to us, we often don’t even see them as choices to make or not.

1. To grow or not.

I believe this choice has a lot to do with how secure we feel with who we are. Paradoxically, the wider the gap between who we are and who we want to be, the less the motivation and effort to grow and close that gap. And another odd thing, the less the gap, the harder the effort has to be to close the last inch.

The choice to grow is encouraged by realizing the wisdom of insecurity. But how can you really ever feel secure when there is no guarantee that you will ever wake up from a night’s sleep, and don’t know for sure where you go during the sleep, how your critical organs all function on their own, or what will happen to you when you die. The point is that there is no security and you are growing into that reality whether you know it or not or like it or not. It is like change. The world and everything in it is constantly changing so you can either be the changer or the changee, but either way you are changing. Why fight it? The struggle against something as natural as growth is what adds an unnecessary level of discomfort to living.

2. To learn or not.

I must be a slow learner, because I have made a lot of mistakes and suffered through an abundance of miserable failures. But somewhere along the line I read that the most highly successful people—no matter how success is defined—all managed to successfully graduate from a series of serious failures. We all know the famous failure stories of Babe Ruth and Abraham Lincoln, as well as many others for proof of this reality. I suppose the choice to learn or not is greatly influenced by the choices we make with these other nine choices, as they are all obviously very inter-related like a triple-knotted pretzel. If I choose to stay, I will be forced to learn and grow and believe more in my ability to love, trust, and act responsibly, which will all increase my optimism.

3. To believe or not.

I have always been big on dreaming, believing and imagining even though my biggest dreams are still out there waiting to come down from the sky and materialize before my eyes. I guess the greatest gift my parents gave me was their hopeful optimism and tenacity to never give-up, no matter what the odds are against you.

I survived playing high school football being 5’1 and weighing in at a puny 92 lbs. I certainly wasn’t a star but I knew I was using what I had fully with my heart and the coach acknowledged that at graduation time. Of course football was more of a fun game back then and not like the killer sport it is today with a career expectancy of around 6 years. The bottom line to life is still, “what you believe you can achieve.”

4. To stay or not.

I have been a wanderer, so I guess I have never been very good at making a choice to stay. I always liked variety and mistakenly fell for the illusion that the grass was greener on the other side of the fence. Actually it often turned out to be browner or grassless altogether. Boy will that get your attention about a bad choice!

But oddly, that is exactly where I am at today—more into staying. I am tired of wandering because I know I wasted a lot of energy and still ended up with the very same things—fun, joys and satisfactions as well as the bruises, bleeding and broken bones—that all my family, friends, military buddies and schoolmates stayed for. You eventually get to the view at the top of the mountain whether you take the straight path or the winding one. Home is home no matter how you get there.

5. To act or not.

The “acting” of this choice is more commonly called reacting to something you either like or dislike. But much like strategic silence, not acting can get some great results in certain situations, if used smartly. Thinking you must act or react is always true.

It seems as though the challenge is to act or react at the right time to try and take advantage of a few great opportunities or to step up to the plate and change the few tragedies that bring tears to God’s eyes. That transfers a lot of ‘doing” energy to just “being” and enjoying everything more. Some would call this laziness; I call it wisdom of age. Maybe it is a little of both.

6. To be responsible or not.

The choice with this one has always been a no-brainer for me, but that doesn’t mean I always followed through in actually being responsible because I didn’t. Right or wrong, I have often thought we are either all responsible for everything or not responsible for anything. Even the law is uncertain on this one because psychotic people are criminally insane and not responsible for their action, but drug addicts, severe neurotics, incapacitated bi-polars and recalcitrant character disorders are. “Hmmm,” I say.

This inconsistency makes about as much sense as the laws that penalize marksmanship. Shoot at someone with a gun and miss and get a lesser sentence; shoot with the same gun and hit the target and get more time. At any rate, this is how I lean now: Towards believing I am as responsible as I think I am and moving as quickly as I can in the direction of becoming more responsible by the minute.

7. To love unconditionally or not.

This is perhaps the toughest choice in life that will put the best of characters to the real test. Imagine two people who love each other passionately, but one has a sexual dysfunction, over-bearing family, drug or gambling addiction, physical disability, mental illness, financial mess or some other similar major stressor. How difficult is it to resist the withdrawal of unconditional love under these conditions? Very difficult.

It is especially hard to accept and unconditionally love another person’s unacceptable behavior. And it does no good to try and separate the person from his or her behavior because that ain’t gonna happen and we all know it. Fortunately we have ready proof that unconditional love is real because we can always feel it with our family, children, best friends and pets. All we can do is lean in the direction of the ideal, better way to become.

8. To trust or not.

When I was in the prison business, one of the reasons I did so well was because I didn’t make trust an issue with inmates. I simply told them I understood that they would more than likely try to lie to me when I wanted the truth, so I stopped asking for it. Unfortunately I wasn’t very apt in teaching others this skill or explaining it well enough to make sense of the idea, or I could have become wealthy off the franchise.

Maybe my position is based on the realization that there are always good reasons to not to trust anybody in some circumstances. In other words, we are all growing up in our own ability to be completely trustworthy. Lately, I find that when I am judging someone else’s untrustworthiness, I am center stage. Mirrors can be tricky like that.

9. To be optimistic or not.

Maybe this “choice” is more genetic than environmental, having a lot to do with how your parents were—hopeful, realistic or cynical. And even if it is mostly environmental, half of life isn’t the way we would like it to be, so where is the proof of why someone should be optimistic? And even though we know there is a strong relationship between our expectations and what we get, we conveniently overlook that cause and effect arrangement, especially when it doesn’t work to our liking.

Well the proof of the benefit and value of optimism comes from very compelling research evidence that links optimism to better physical health, more wealth, a bigger supply of happiness, more satisfying marriages and longer life span. Personally, that is enough good reasons for me to at least try and lean in the right direction. What about you? Which choice are you leaning towards?

10. To forgive or not.

True forgiveness to being wronged or hurt painfully, doesn’t come easily. But one thing I have learned the hard way is that if I take some time and effort to at least try to understand why someone did something so objectionable, it is much easier to “forget” my anger and disappointment. This frees me to move into accepting the person and his or her true motivations, apart from what he or she did to me.

I recently received an unexpected call from my first fiancée. She had sent me a disturbing Dear John Letter in 1964 when I was in the US Air Force stationed in Japan, because I volunteered to go from there to a tour in Vietnam, instead of returning home to get married. Oddly the call was to tell me that she had just gotten to read a critical letter in which I explained my conflict in a touching love letter. Her mother had confiscated this important letter and others following, since she didn’t think we were old enough to be so serious.

Upon reading this letter, she realized how not getting it changed several lives in very big ways, because she would have waited and not written the letter rejecting me. Now don’t your think this revelation had an impact on understanding the situation enough for complete forgiveness of very negative feelings on both sides of the fence?

In my experience, I have come to believe that these ten big choices can’t really be “chosen” one way or the other in a permanent or decisive way. But, we can definitely lean away from not doing these things, more towards doing them. That is because they are the right choices that will result in the right results, once we learn what we can control and what we can’t. We can control our choices and our reactions to the results we get, but not the results themselves. My present mantra is “control the few controllables and let go of all the rest.” In other words, simplification. Maybe that is the main choice of today.

William Cottringer, Ph.D. is President of Puget Sound Security in Belleview, WA., along with being a Sport Psychologist, Business Success Coach, Photographer and Writer. He is author of several business and self-development books, including, You Can Have Your Cheese & Eat It Too (Executive Excellence), The Bow-Wow Secrets (Wisdom Tree), and Do What Matters Most and “P” Point Management (Atlantic Book Publishers). Bill can be reached for comments or questions at (425) 454-5011 or bcottringer@pssp.net