Working Mums - a Lighter View!

“Why are you so thin? You look so tired all the time,” I hear my mum say for the umpteenth time. “I don’t know… you girls today. In our day, we just coped! None of these Day Care Centres and nannies and what not! I had three kids under 3” blah blah blah.

Hmmm…well I guess in mum’s day there wasn’t the need …mum wasn’t allowed to work!! And for that matter, didn’t need to work. Let’s see - run a household, look after a toddler, a husband, run a business, keep the budget balanced: if God wanted me to wear so many hats he’d have given me more heads!! I’m sure mum went through similar sorts of things to me, but the passage of time blurs the edges a bit!

But she did get me thinking ……are we less able to cope today than in our mums’ day? Perhaps our mums are made of sterner stuff. She had pressures of running a household and looking after three kids with a husband who was absent most of the time. Perhaps our pressures are different. Not worse. Just different. The modern mum has the same responsibilities but the added pressure of having to work, or wanting to work, and then feeling guilty about it. The feminist movement of the 60’s and early 70’s placed a great deal of pressure on my generation who now were told we could do whatever we wanted. Have it all! A career, a business, a family … whatever we wanted! Who was going to give us the extra 15 hours in the day to do it all though??

I remember feeling incredibly selfish when I needed to go back to work six months after my daughter, Ceilidh, was born. But selfishness had nothing at all to do with it. It was absolutely necessary … no getting out of it even if I wanted to ……… and I wanted to! Desperately!!

Luckily for me I have a child who thrives in the Day Care Centre environment. Prefers it to me most of the time!! And also luckily for me I was able to get away with working only two days a week in order to make ends meet. But the guilt I felt every time I dropped her off was palpable. And I’m sure those people who pointed out that they waited until their kids were in school before returning to work weren’t intentionally trying to make me feel bad!

Then there was the added stress of what happens when your child is sick and you have to take a day off work to care for them? Now you’re letting your employer down! And what about your husband? You have to go back to work and now he feels inadequate so you’re spending whatever free time you have reassuring him! Sorry, did I say “free time”?

That’s when I decided to put my administrative skills to better use and start my own business. It took 18 months before I was finally able to work full time from home. Great right? Right?? Open up a whole new batch of pressures!! What comes first? The washing, ironing, that report for my client that’s due in two days’ time, the floor hasn’t been washed in four months, and I really need to get Ceilidh some more clothes, then there’s that client lunch to arrange for next week and invites to get out, bills to pay, and when was the last time I backed up???

Then the guilt again. I’ve learned guilt is your friend!! Embrace it because it’s not going anywhere!!! Now I feel guilty when I drop Ceilidh off to day care and come back home again without her!!

But if getting yourself to realise that just because you’re at home doesn’t mean you’re not at work is nothing compared to getting your friends and family to realise it!! “Are you busy? Just calling for a chat. Well Ceilidh’s in day care today isn’t she?? It’s not like you’re doing anything!” Or friends who are full time mums who just want to get together for a coffee or lunch or a play date (a what??!). No sorry I can’t, I’m just so busy. “Have you seen the latest Heath Ledger movie?” Movie? What’s a movie? Oooo, here comes the guilt again as they look at you from under disapproving eyebrows. “I never see you anymore!!”

Let’s take a step back and reassess exactly what’s going on. Most of the pressure we feel as mums/wives/business owners we place on ourselves. No, really. We do! We have to be all things to all people, and then if we’ve got the “In my day” mum, that just adds to our feelings of inadequacy and guilt. But we know deep down that we can’t be all things to all people … all of the time! So why put the added pressure on yourself trying to be? Men don’t have to do more than one thing at a time right? My husband reminds me of this every day! “Don’t worry about it”, he’ll say when I come out of the office at 9.30pm to a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. Let’s stop wishing they were more like us, and start being more like them!! Prioritise …everything! Does it matter if the floor is not swept when you’ve got a report due in two day’s time? Do you make sure that the time you spend with your kids is time they’ll remember, love, and look forward to? So your child is home sick from school … at least you can still get some work done while they’re flopped in front of the TV or sleeping. If you were working a conventional job you wouldn’t be working at all!! Worse still, someone else might be looking after them when it’s you they need.

I’ve just spotted the picture of Ceilidh on my desk and remember, she is why I’m doing this. Not for the extra money or to be “Super Mum”! But to show her that it’s OK to work if you’re a mum. That it’s OK to pursue goals and follow dreams that have nothing at all to do with your kids or your husband … but with what you want. I never want to tell my kids “Look what I gave up for you” - I do want them to be able to respect my choices, and wouldn’t it be great if they grew up to not only respect but also admire those choices?

For permission to reprint this article, email execstress@ourbrisbane.com.

Lyn Prowse-Bishop, MVA is manager of Executive Stress Office Support, established in February 2000 and providing executive assistant services to independent professionals. For more information visit www.execstress.com.