"Extramarital Affair: Should You Get A Divorce Just Because One Of You Had An Extramarital Affair?"

Having to deal with an extramarital affair can be a lifechanging event, regardless of whether you stay married ornot. Inescapable feelings can come over both people thatwill never be forgotten by either of them. The person whoactually had the extramarital affair can have feelings ofguilt, loneliness, confusion and misdirection along withmany other feelings. The 'partner' who did not have theextramarital affair can have these feelings as well, butthe lack of confidence that can come as a result of theother person having an extramarital affair can be one ofthe toughest parts to deal with.

The feelings that come as a result of one or both partieshaving an extramarital affair are natural but can also beextensions of something much deeper. Of course, if someonehas an extramarital affair, both people in that marriagewill have feelings that will be "surface level" only atfirst. Arguments can occur, denial may set in, and/ortempers can flare due to the extramarital affair. Whilethese things are only natural and to be expected, if yourgoing to actually survive an extramarital affair, you mustlook at the deeper issues and get down to the real causeof the affair and what to do about it.

People in marriages don't often look at havingextramarital affairs lightly, and they realize most timeswhat affects their actions will have on their marriage. Ifsomeone has an extramarital affair and doesn't think thatit will have an affect on their marriage, surely they areeither in denial or their definition of marriage leansstrongly towards the "open" side. For the rest of themarried crowd who don't subscribe to an "open" marriageand who have to deal with an extramarital affair, thingscan get a bit more complex.

Complexity can be interesting no doubt, but it can alsoadd to the confusion of someone having an extramaritalaffair, especially if the couple or one party in thatcouple wants to look deeper at the situation and figureout two very important things:

1. Why did the extramarital affair happen?

2. Does the fact that there was an extramarital affair inthe marriage really warrant getting a divorce when bothpeople agree upon the reason that the extramarital affairhappened in the first place?

If the couple really wants to save their marriage in spiteof the extramarital affair, then finding out why theextramarital affair happened and agreeing on that reasonis the first step in the healing process. If you arecurrently trying to save your marriage and one of you hadan extramarital affair, try to limit your pain that youfeel and talk things out with your spouse so you canclearly define and agree upon exactly why the extramaritalaffair took place. If you cannot do this, chances are youwill never get over the extramarital affair and yourmarriage most likely won't survive...or at least you won'thave a healthy marriage after the extramarital affair.

After you have defined and agreed upon the reason that theextramarital affair took place, you must decide whetherthat reasons (or reasons) warrant actually going through apainful divorce. At this point you have 2 choices...eitherdecide in your own or decide with your spouse. The latteris optimal for a variety of reasons but the main reason isthat you may actually save your marriage if you decidetogether. Deciding together whether the real reason anextramarital affair took place indicates that you're bothreally reaching out for something, something you mostlikely didn't have prior to the extramaritalaffair...togetherness.

So, should you get a divorce just because one of you hadan extramarital affair?

No, not necessarily. Depending on how collaborative youcan be with your spouse, how 'detective-like' you can act,and how much soul searching you can do, you may justbecome stronger together because of an extramaritalaffair. It may sound odd, but that's the truth. Of course,it is entirely possible (and probable) that if you bothdon't define and agree on why the extramarital affair tookplace and work to address that reason or reasons, yourmarriage won't ever be healthy again and you'll never beable to healthily survive the extramarital affair.

Karl Augustine Author, "A Practical GuideTo Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce".
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