Opening To Your Life Partner

In our book, Meant To Be, thirty-three year old Kat Trueblood describes herself as tired of dating. It was the spring of 1989, and while visiting a friend near where she was living in Colorado, she picked up and started reading a copy of our first book, The Shared Heart. Unable to put it down, but needing to leave, her friend gave her the book. She’s embarrassed to admit this, but she continued reading our book while driving home. (Please don’t ever try this!)

One paragraph spoke directly to her longing heart: “In wanting to be with your life partner, go past the wish list, the details and qualities that you want. Your mind is a poor judge of who is right. Instead, feel how much you already love this person. It is this love that will draw the right person to you.” These words became her mantra, and the concept became her daily meditation.

That next fall, she came to a workshop we led entitled, “Opening to your Life Partner.” Walking into the kitchen to get a cup of tea, she bumped into John Astin, our friend and musician for the workshop. In her own words, “We took one look at each other and I knew inside that my life would never be the same. It was as if time stood still as we glimpsed deeply into one another’s soul. It felt like a reunion, as if we already deeply knew each other. Although John didn’t fit my “checklist” of who I thought I wanted for my life partner, he inspired me more than anyone else ever had.”

Like Kat Trueblood-Astin, do you feel ready to attract your life partner? Joyce and I feel there is no more powerful way than to feel your heart connection with this person. Imagine someone you have deeply loved a very long time ago (and who deeply loves you) suddenly walks into your life today. It is the depth of the heart connection that determines the power of the reunion. It would be as if time did not exist, and it was only yesterday when you loved one another. True love melts time.

Like Kat, throw away your checklist. The deeper you feel your love for this special person, the more powerful a magnet you become. Love is always the magnet that draws lovers together. In this internet universe, singles are putting too much attention on the other person, and not enough attention on the great love just waiting for a reunion.

How else can you open to your life partner? Feel how you deserve to fully receive as well as give love. Receiving love is a true gift we give our partner. When I receive Joyce’s love, it makes her very happy. In your quiet times, receive love from your future lover. Allow yourself to bask in the glow of his or her love. If it is more difficult for you to give than to receive, then your meditation must include an outpouring from your heart to the heart of your lover-to-be.

What kinds of beliefs/feelings are in the way of this sublime reunion? There can be many. Here are some.

“It’s too late for me.” Some people put a time limit on finding a beloved, as if it’s a sporting event or special kind of contest. If it hasn’t happened by now, then it never will. Another story from Meant To Be, describes the miraculous reunion of Walter and Sylvia Levine – after fifty years of being apart. Walter concludes his story in this way, “The years of being apart fade from memory as love fills the very depths of our hearts.”

“I’m damaged goods.” Is it possible to have too much baggage from the past, to be too wounded by our life history? Joyce and I believe not. Over the years of studying relationships, we have seen firsthand that a mutual deep attraction between two persons involves an equal proportion of love shared by both partners … and an equal proportion of baggage. Not necessarily the same quality of wounds and hurts, but the same quantity. A special opportunity exists in every relationship for each partner to help soothe the hurts of the other. When one person in a couple feels more “damaged,” Joyce and I gently probe and reveal the hidden “damage” in the other person.

“I’m afraid of too much closeness.” We all are to some degree. Intimacy is “into me see.” The closer we get to another person, the more that person sees our vulnerability, the parts of ourselves we want no one to see. Which brings us to the next one:

“When they see who I really am, they’re going to leave.” In a recent article, I wrote about the all-pervasive and sometimes hidden fear of abandonment. We can either hide from this fear by avoiding relationship, or face it head-on by diving into love, and discovering our fear is like the morning fog that is burned away by the more powerful light of the sun.

“I’m afraid of losing myself.” How do I keep my individuality while merging as a couple? People have described the pain of losing their power and sense of personal identity. I had this fear many years ago. Can I stay “me” while joining hearts with Joyce? True, there have been times when I have lost myself, when my boundaries have blurred, but in the end I have discovered that I have lost the parts of myself I did not need, and gained a deeper sense of autonomy, the true freedom that comes with loving completely, without reservation.

If there is a longing within your heart to share your life with a beloved, keep opening your heart to this person, even though you do not know who they are, and continue to work on removing the beliefs and feelings that are in the way. Know that it is worth the inner work, no matter how long it takes. Relationship offers a vehicle to take two people to the highest heights, while opening the ground to reveal the ecstasy of deeply intertwined roots. Looking into the eyes of your beloved, it becomes impossible to see only that person. If you keep looking, you will see and feel the splendor of the divine being, who is you as well as your beloved.