By Susan Fox, CH, CBT
© 2007 Susan Fox
thesusanfox@gmail.com

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Imagine developing loving parent-child relationships with each of your children. You CAN develop respectful, caring, meaningful relationships with them. Consider the following information to feel fulfilled and love your kids by understanding how each one uses his or her brain to see their world.

The brain contains the equivalent of 4 living computer software programs. (I call them thoughtware programs because we activate them using thought.) Researchers recognize a unique relationship between the brain’s 4 quadrants. They actually communicate and learn from each other. (See The Creative Brain by Ned Herrmann for more fascinating information about the brain.)

As a certified hypnotic consultant since 1988, and brain dialog and brain fitness researcher, I teach women how to think using hypnotic brain dialog. Hypnotic brain dialog gets your brain to grant your wishes.

Almost anytime we express a strong emotion, we create a hypnotic mind state. We naturally and routinely experience self-hypnosis doing familiar feeling actions like driving to work, reading a book, or watching TV. Parents often unknowingly are hypnotists. One they emotionally impress upon their child an idea, and the child believes his or her parent, a hypnotic suggestion might become a part of that child’s belief system.

Those beliefs and values we share with our children are all right if they empower a child. However, if they negatively impact our children, they can inhibit a child from excelling, perhaps for life! Understanding this concept, it’s important that we do everything we can to appreciate and encourage our children to think for themselves. This starts by supporting them so they have a high self-esteem.

Once we’ve hypnotized ourselves, or our children, we then suggest an idea to believe. Believe self-limiting ideas and you struggle. Believe self-empowering suggestions and you effortlessly achieve desired goals. The same goes for our children.

As a parent, if you lose your temper and your child reacts fearfully or with resentment, most likely, they are hypnotized. Then, if you share a negative opinion about their personal value, they just might believe you.

Once they react fearfully or with resentment, they then believe self-sabotaging suggestions about themselves. They may be programming their minds to believe that the most important people in their world will be ones to be feared or angrily resented.

So, when you notice yourself act impatiently or angrily around your children, understand that they might model your behavior. If you’d like to change that, you may consider learning how to think differently to model a more preferred behavior for your children.

Your brain acts like a radio transmitter and receiver sending and receiving thought waves. Like a radio receiver, when we “tune in” to a certain thought, each thought actually emits a broadcast on its own frequency.

People feel attracted to that broadcast and respond with a frequency message of the same vibration. For example, “tune in” to thoughts about an optimistic future and you attract people who send and receive those thoughts, too. You can consciously choose to like your kids. Use the following tips to get what you want during life:

1-Purposely learn how to do natural, normal, effortless self-hypnosis. From birth already within our brain’s design, we routinely hypnotize ourselves throughout our day. Each of us models hypnotic behavior to ourselves and to those around us.

Children act especially susceptible to modeling what parents say and do no matter WHAT that behavior is. Since you already naturally hypnotize yourself through the day, wouldn’t consciously learning how to use it to get you what you REALLY want during life make sense for you to do? Learn self-hypnosis. Contact the National Guild of Hypnotists at (603) 429-9438 in Merrimack, NH. They can refer a highly trained hypnotist to you.

2-Listen and observe your child’s behavior impersonally, like a disinterested third party writing a news report. From birth, write down on paper JUST THE FACTS about your observations in a journal regarding each child. Doing this, you consciously keep a written record of early behavior. Behavior will develop naturally for each child. However, there will most likely be some common patterns that will be part of your child’s natural way of being.

Each child tends to prefer thinking mostly (predominantly) from the left or the right brain hemisphere or a blend of the brain’s 4 quadrants. As your child grows and develops, intentionally notice what you are observing (and probably subconsciously saying) about each child. You’ll hear yourself say things like, “Oh, that Billy, he’s so smart when it comes to building blocks.” Or, “My little Janie, she’s such a people pleaser!”

Listen to what you are saying and notice the thought and behavior patterns. This will be helpful later in life. For greater clarity, get the book by Dr. Rick Kirschner and Dr. Rick Brinkman called Dealing With People You Can’t Stand. This is an international best selling communication book.

3-Relax instead of insisting that each life event is very serious. When you do, you encourage a happy life for your family and your child. Look for the joyfulness in everyday activities and see how your children can learn to think the same way for happy life. Speaking critically of life events that don’t go well may cause your child to develop the habit of trying to be a perfectionist in an imperfect world. This can crush self-esteem.

A low self-esteem is known to directly lower desire to excel during life. It causes a child to develop the habit of fearfully worrying that things just aren’t in favor of him or her. Later in life this can lead to the fear of failure or the fear of success.

4-Focus on HOW you’d like your relationship to be with your child. Would you like to effortlessly, pleasantly, enjoyably interact? Mentally review a past, successfully achieved goal feeling these encouraging feelings.

Imagine that you are already pleasantly developing a happy relationship with your child using the same feelings you felt in past life successes (because you can!) Then FEEL those feelings in your mind and mentally rehearse yourself already acting out happy situations with your child each time you do an activity with him or her while feeling the past encouraging feelings. You are CHOOSING to CONSCIOUSLY feel happy and see what’s RIGHT in the world (rather than criticizing how the child is doing something that seems inconvenient or inaccurate for you on your terms ONLY.)

5-Use your brain’s 4 thoughtware programs for life success. Ask yourself 4 viewpoint questions about
1)efficiently completing a task,

2)feeling specific, personally meaningful feelings about successful goal achievement,
3)entertainment value while doing the task and
4)accuracy about working toward goal achievement. For example, suppose you want your child to effortlessly feel confident and comfortable while publicly speaking. Imagine expecting your child to exhibit this skill. Picturing your child being a calm, confident public speaker actually can help your child develop this skill with a positive attitude. There’s a simple way to do this.

First RELAX. When you relax, chances are you’re creating a waking-hypnosis mind state. You are balancing cortisol (the stress hormone) and adrenaline brain chemical levels for faster and more effective learning. Once relaxed, get ready to program your mind for a successful and meaningful opportunity to develop a happy life moment with your child.

Ask yourself, 1)“What can I do to efficiently produce a desired happy relationship moment with my child so he or she can feel confident and comfortable as a relaxed public speaker?”,

2)”What can I do to FEEL genuinely happy IN THIS MOMENT as I interact with my child so he or she can feel confident and comfortable as a relaxed public speaker.”

3)”What can I do to enthusiastically share my talents to help him or her feel important and self-appreciative about him or herself as he or she develops the calm, confident public speaking skill?”

4)”What can I do to achieve this goal of encouraging my child to feel and act like a calm, confident public speaker, the first time out?” Then, just go about your day. Your brain will process the information suggesting ideas here and there. Act ready to write out the ideas to physically develop and use them.

6-As appropriate, write out your answers to the asked questions. We use written out goal achievement plans like a roadmap, The brain sees the written ideas on paper and uses them as motivation instructions for goal completion. Then, your brain feels a sense of control seeing individual tasks described on paper that will result in goal completion.

Remember, we achieve goals by doing tiny, individual, manageable tasks toward an entire goal. Knowing and seeing progress, the brain can relax so you actually move forward toward goal achievement.

7-If necessary, ask for help. In the business world, people routinely consult with obvious experts when “stuck” for a complete, effective answer. No one can know all information for all situations. So, consulting with someone, when necessary, shows effective time and resource management. Your child is worth you developing your loving, respectful, patient parenting skills, right?

8-PRESUME you ARE already successfully achieving your goal. When you think in “possibility” terms, you effortlessly excel. And if YOU do this, your child will model this success behavior from you.

If you hear the critical analysis expert brain part tell you why you CAN’T achieve your goal, ask further questions. Intentionally focus on how you CAN develop a meaningful relationship with your child in all your life interactions. Here are some examples of supportive, affirming thoughts you could think.

“Isn’t the idea true that I can think any thought I choose to think?” (Wait to hear your brain answer you, because it will. It’s hardwired to give answers when you ask questions.)

“Isn’t the idea true that since I CAN think any thought I choose to think that I can think about OPTIONS to develop a happy relationship? (Again, wait for your brain to answer. You might have been raised in a pessimistic family environment as a kid yourself. So you might need to practice developing thinking optimistically. With repeated practice, you can develop thinking in optimistic possibility terms instead of focusing on self-limiting ideas of impossibilities.)

“Isn’t the idea true that since I can think any thought I prefer to think that I can FAVOR thinking about options and methods for developing a respectful, kind, meaningful relationship with my child RIGHT NOW?” (Listen to your brain. When you first start developing your “option thinking” habit, your brain may resist wanting to think optimistically. However, if you commit to thinking optimistically, scientific research shows we actually can change our brain’s folds to develop new neuronal pathways to live according to conscious desires of success.)

Keep asking yourself questions about how you CAN make an idea work. Eventually that upper left brain quadrant will settle down and stop acting like a sibling wanting to rival your way of doing things. The upper left brain is the brain quadrant designed to answer questions. So, asking yourself questions about how you CAN achieve, this brain part MUST answer. It’s in your DNA!

9-If you hear jealous criticism, b-r-e-a-t-h-e. By design, the upper left brain quadrant naturally analyzes situations. Hearing criticism, your brain is telling you to “do things right.” Since “right” can be subjectively defined, ask yourself a progressive, optimistic question about a solution. “Well, I COULD criticize my best efforts. But what could I think instead to actually improve the situation?” Keep thinking positively. Soon you can clear negativity from your consciousness.

10-Observe your child’s temper-tantrum behavior without jumping to erroneous conclusions first. Each person on the planet generally prefers to think either from the task-oriented left hemisphere or the people-oriented right hemisphere. But for temper tantrums, the manipulative type is a left-brain, CONSCIOUSLY INTENTIONAL STRATEGY. T

he right brain temper tantrum occurs because of embarrassment and because the child feels unappreciated for some reason. This child feels embarrassed about their unintentional temper tantrum meant as evidence he or she feels unimportant and unappreciated by his or her PERCEIVED lack of “being” the center of attention.

For a child throwing a temper tantrum, the intention most likely will be thrown 1)as an intentional strategy to manipulate a situation to his or her liking OR 2)as an UNINTENTIONAL cry for attention because he or she feels unimportant and ignored. During manipulative temper tantrums, giving in to them results in adding fuel to the fire. Often, the child grows up believing he or she can bully or unreasonably dominate others to get one’s way.

A CONSISTENT TIME OUT STRATEGY works well for this child. Allow a “calm down” period. Then, RESPECTFULLY discuss how to REASONABLY work WITH a situation for the mutual benefit of the greatest number involved. This strategy helps this child learn LEADERSHIP instead of DICTATORSHIP. Consistency is KEY for this type of temper tantrum so YOU as a parent KNOW how to work WITH this fabulous child as he or she matures. This will also be a useful model for him or her for future life.

For the temper tantrums that are actually a cry for appreciation or a sense of feeling important after “APPRECIATED” PERFORMANCE, RESPOND instead of REACT.

CHOOSE to help the child learning that NO ONE can be all things to all people. Giving a cookie or other external objects to quickly distract the child from working through something emotionally unpleasant for him or her can lead to creating eating disorders.

Teaching this child to like and appreciate oneself REGARDLESS OF “rated” performance leads to feelings of security. Show this child his or her personal self worth is SEPARATE from the value of tasks done. Explain that he or she is ALWAYS lovable and explain what behaviors are appropriate making sure he or she knows the difference between the two.

11-If your child often acts unassertive or reclusive, he or she probably prefers thinking from the passive brain quadrants. For the unassertive acting, people-pleasing, overly cooperative child, teach this child that people-pleasing all the time can sometimes lead to easily being manipulated by those manipulative temper tantrum throwing people.

For the reclusive acting child, these children tend to quickly develop habits of thinking hopelessly if they hear too much about what’s “WRONG” in the world. They can easily develop the habit of assuming THEY are ALSO supposed to look for what’s wrong in the world instead of thinking in terms of possibilities. So, observe your child and intentionally coach the unassertive people pleaser to learn how to self-approve and set reasonable boundaries instead of just pleasing others at his or her expense.

For the reclusive child who may even prefer to be left alone a lot to play, DO NOT ASSUME THE CHILD IS PERFECTLY HAPPY PLAYING ALONE ALL THE TIME. This child internally analyzes information about his or her world and may need to develop socialization skills.

Group play and interaction where he or she learns sharing is a necessary and happy part of happy life may be a VITAL skill for him or her to develop. This child may grow up to be a computer nerd or a banker tending to desire greedily hoarding thoughts about perfectionism or LOVING anything about making money. There is more to life than perfectionism or money, but this child may strongly disagree. Work with this child’s unique nature and encourage him or her to see more and varied life viewpoints.

12-Involve your child in team-oriented activities. Doing this, he or she can experience opportunities to develop all 4 of the natural brain quadrant programs.

13-Encourage your child to write out a plan and actually enact that plan to achieve goals. Developing this habit leads to self-reliance and improved chances of doing well in school and life generally.

14-When your child comes home from school, interact with him or her just for fun. Your child needs “unwind time” after school. If he or she dives right into homework, he or she may develop the idea that work is MORE important than experiencing a balance of other life activities.

Relationships and playtime are also important compared with work. If your child struggles with schoolwork, show your child how to prioritize which work to do first. You might experiment with his/her preferences. Some like to get the hardest work done first and some prefer to do the easiest schoolwork first. Also make sure there is no physiological disorder sabotaging his or her best interests. Show the child to work WITH his or her natural preferences but make sure he/she completes all homework.

If your child is making excuses why he or she CAN’T do certain work, pay attention. It may be a matter of work that excessively challenges his or her natural right or left-brained preferences. Or, there might be a mental or physical problem that needs professional diagnosing.

Make LOVE the priority in your parent-child relationship, rather than getting ONLY an “A” in schoolwork being the priority. Love being the priority between you and your child keeps the relationship respectful. Also, loving and respecting your child avoids him or her growing up defining his or her personal value according to ONLY his or her pleasing performance to you.

15-For more information about how your brain thinks or how to become your PREFERRED you, please see her book, Brainview: What Does Your Brain Think Of You? Hypnotic Brain Dialog Gets Your Brain To Grant Your Wishes. You can download a copy of it here:

www.ezkey2life.com/SusanFox

Susan Fox Bio
Internationally, audiences consider Susan an accomplished and highly respected brain dialog researcher, hypnotic consultant, trainer and writer. As seen on NBC, Channel 19, The Mount Vernon News, and heard on Internet radio and various other radio programs, Susan uses “The Secret,” and her amazing, cutting edge brain dialog techniques that gets peoples’ wishes granted. Columnist for the world’s largest professional hypnosis organization, The National Guild of Hypnotists (NGH), Susan specializes in sharing self-empowerment information and techniques with her clients, colleagues and students.

Contact Susan for public appearances, training classes or to purchase her materials at thesusanfox@gmail.com or by mail or phone.

Susan Fox
PO Box 421
Avon, Ohio 44011
(740) 531-0400

Author's Bio: 

Susan Fox has been a brain dialog researcher since 1990. She has been a certified clinical hypnotist since 1988. She has trained thousands of hypnotists in various clear thinking techniques and worked with thousands of clients suffering from various brain dialog conflicting thought patterns.

Visit her website at www.yoursecretwishes.com for small business marketing ideas.