Many interpersonal conflicts and anger arise when you feel that your rights have been violated. One solution we use is to be passive, but then, you’re not only mad at the person who violated your rights, but angry at yourself for not standing up for yourself. The solution is to be assertive and learn to honestly and effectively communicate your feelings and needs to other people.
One of the reasons we hesitate to be assertive is because we are worried about what the other person will think. This is giving your power away, placing the power outside of yourself. In order to take care of yourself and solve your problems, you have to keep your power, taking action based on your inner truth, acting from the heart. When you have the courage to stand up for yourself and claim your own power, you feel whole. You can't be responsible for other people's actions. They are in charge of themselves. You are in charge of yourself, and as you feel more cared for and loved because you are loving yourself, it's amazing how your relationships change for the better. Here are some tips for good assertive communication.
A well-constructed request to get your needs met should have the following qualities:
1) Clarity – you should state clearly what you want. Requests that lack clarity are difficult to meet and can provoke stress and anger. Make sure the following is clear: To whom is the request being made? What must be done to fulfill the request? When should it be done.
2) Respectfulness – If people feel respected they are more willing to comply and you are more likely to get what you want.
3) Emotional transparency, which means sharing your real feelings, and not blaming, criticizing or being abusive.
The formula for a good assertive request is:
“I feel …………… when you ………………. because………………………..”
Give yourself permission to act from your heart, take a few deep breaths and let the other person know what you are feeling. Take good care of yourself. As your subconscious begins to trust you to take good care of yourself, your sense of wholeness and love increases, and as you change your relationship with yourself, you'll be amazed how your outer relationships change for the better, too. Begin Within!
Master Practitioner of Neurolinguistic Programming and a Certified Hypnotherapist, Pamela Turner, M.Ed, C.Ht. is dedicated to making both ancient and modern tools and techniques for healing and growth available to everyone in an easy-to-use way that's meaningful to modern life.
She's had the honor to work with some amazing teachers, including a Harvard teaching hospital in Boston specializing in mind/body healing while completing her master's degree in counseling psychology in 1991. She founded Begin Within (http://www.beginwithin.org) to help as many people as possible find the Love, Wisdom and Power within them.