We Are All Afraid

Everyone is afraid. This is what I’ve learned after years of living with my own fears and working as a yoga therapist and teacher with people from all walks of life.

One of my deepest fears has been not being respected by those closest to me. There was a time when I thought my mother could do no wrong, and I put a lot of energy into trying to please her. But she had a dark side that often caused her to turn on me, out of the blue, berating me endlessly for behavior she found unacceptable and for attitudes she was sure I had. She often issued these tirades during car rides, when I had no escape.

Although most of her accusations were completely unfounded, she threw enough truth into the mix that I ended up feeling a deep sense of shame that something was wrong with me. Each time I ended up sobbing uncontrollably. It took me until the age of 20 to have enough self-esteem to summon the words to defend myself against her accusations.

In my work as an occupational therapist, I experienced similar behavior from a coworker, “Steve,” who berated me in front of patients and colleagues. It didn’t matter that what he said was inaccurate – he seemed determined to publicly humiliate me. I did eventually fight back, telling him that talking to me that way was unacceptable and that he was never to speak to me that way again. The public incidents subsided, but he began behind-the-scenes sabotaging by telling lies about my work. After two years, I filed a complaint with human resources and he was eventually asked to find other employment. Shortly after that, I left to pursue yoga therapy training; I think it was standing up to the workplace bully that enabled me to move on with my life.

In my twenties I shifted from seeking approval from my mother to seeking it from my husband, Greg. A few years ago, Greg was a casualty of Enron Corporation and lost his job when I was in the middle of making a career transition from occupational therapist in a healthcare setting to independent yoga therapist. He expressed strong objections to my pursuing a different career path at that time, and his disapproval hung in the air like fog. I felt devastated and deeply afraid, but my convictions compelled me to stay on the path that I knew I was supposed to take. I had experienced another shift toward being a more independent thinker who trusted my own inner compass.

Yoga teaches us to develop a “witness consciousness,” an ability to step back and view our behavior, thoughts, and emotions with detachment. Years ago, I reacted quickly and emotionally to confrontations, and this bothered me. I wondered how could I change my response when things happened so fast? Over time, I have gotten slightly better at using non-response in volatile situations-- letting silence instead of a verbal or behavioral reaction fill the void right after the event. Much can happen in that silence! I can observe my shallow breathing and increased heart rate. I can take several long, slow breaths which impede the fight or flight response. I can choose to walk away from the situation or reply, “I can see you are very upset, why don’t we find a private place to talk?”

I knew I had grown slightly in this skill when I recently received an email from a friend, “Ellen,” who accused me of several misdeeds toward her. Although my gut reaction was shame and panic, I took one step back and looked at the accusations objectively. I was able refute the inaccurate parts and accept responsibility for the valid ones. I realized that the note grew out of her fear that I didn’t appreciate her, and she viewed all of my actions through that lens. After I assured her that I held her in high regard, we were able to reach an understanding about the facts of the situation.

As in the case of Ellen above, our fears can make us lash out at people in hurtful ways. While I used to view my mother and Steve, and even Greg, as “the bad guys” when they lashed out at me, I now see that their behavior undoubtedly blossomed out of their own fears and insecurities. In fact, as I was responding to the email from Ellen I gained insight into my own tendencies to lash out, whether it be at loved ones, phone solicitors, or customer service personnel. I now try to view these persons as trying to do their best for me while fulfilling their need to protect their own self-esteem. Treating persons with this kind of respect and compassion always obtains a more optimal outcome than viewing them through the lens of my own fear.

So the next time you have a nasty interaction with a store clerk or feel intimidated by a professional with many diplomas filling the wall, remember that WE ARE ALL AFRAID. Try to give everyone the gift of dignity, respect, and the possibility of being at least partially right. Give them what you would want them to give you.