Staying in an unsatisfying relationship might be driven by many fears, one of which is THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE.You convince yourself that it is better to have a partner and be in a relationship, albeit not a satisfying one, rather than being alone. The problem is that you the give up on your quality of life and hinders any possibility of finding a better intimacy.
EXCUSES AND RATIONALIZATIONS TO STAYING IN AN UNSATISFYING RELATIONSHIP
When you stay in such an unsatisfying relationship and are afraid to make a change, you look for excuses and rationalizations to justify yourself:
* “You have to make compromises in life.”
* “I’ll never find a better relationship anyway.”
* “My partner will change.”
* “Things will be different with time.”
* “I don’t need a lot from my partner anyway.”
* “No one can give me all I need - at least I have someone.”
COPING WITH AN UNSATISFYING RELATIONSHIP WHILE STAYING IN IT
In an effort to cope with an unsatisfying relationship, you might engage in activities without your partner: meeting with your friends, attending workshops and lectures, spending time in outdoor activities, and the like. You try to spend as little time as possible with a partner with whom you actually DON’T want to be, but nonetheless stay because of your FER OF BEING ALONE.
PRETEXTS FOR STAYING
At times, not having the courage to end the relationship, you make use of pretexts for staying by claiming that:
* “I still love my partner a little.”
* “I feel affection for my partner.”
* “I’ve become accustomed to my partner.”
PHILISOPHICAL STATEMENTS USED FOR STAYING
At times, you might even use philosophical statements:
* “We’re born alone and die alone. Life is full of loneliness, so if we can avoid it by being with someone, even if it isn’t the right person, why shouldn’t we?”
* “Life has no meaning anyway, so what does it matter who we’re with?"
* “Life is short. We can’t keep looking for the best all the time. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.”
SELF-DECEPTION
These excuses, reasons, rationalizations and philosophical "words-of-wisdom" often border on self-deception, since it's more convenient to believe in your own justifications rather than leave an unsatisfying relationship. When those close to you call your attention to it, you are likely to get angry at them, not realizing that your anger is an indication that deep down you "know" you deceive yourself. Yet, the FEAR OF BEING ALONE exerts so much power over you that you just don’t take the necessary steps to change.
HOW TO CHANGE AND MOVE FORWARD
You always have a choice: either to stay in an unsatisfying relationship or initiate a change – whether within the relationship or by ending it. As much as this thought might scare you, your ability to cope with your fears, make a change and move forward, is the only way to become able to finally find and develop a satisfying intimacy.
Getting up the courage to confront your fears, decide what and how to change and acting on it empowers you and enables you to take control over your life.
Doron Gil, Ph.D., is an Expert on Self-Awareness and Relationships with a 30 year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counselor and consultant. Dr. Gil has taught classes on Self-Awareness and Relationships to thousands of students, lectured on these and related topics at conferences world-wide, and trained physicians, managers, school teachers and parents how to develop Self-Awareness in order to improve their personal and professional relationships.
Dr. Gil has written more than 140 articles on the interplay between Self-Awareness and Relationships and is the author of: “The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship: Understanding Why You Fail in Your Relationships Over and Over Again and Learning How to Stop it!””: http://amzn.to/eAmMmH
More on Dr. Gil's book: http://self-awareness-and-relationships.blogspot.com
For a complete list of Dr. Gil’s articles and their links: http://relationship-self-awareness-advice.blogspot.com