It’s easy to treat people well when they treat you well. The real test is when they treat you badly. (Much of what I say here applies to concerns about injustice or mistreatment that threatens or happens to others, from someone bullying a child to an oppressive government, but I will focus on the personal level.)
Think of times you’ve been truly wronged, in small ways or big ones. Maybe someone stole something, turned others against you, broke an agreement, cheated on you, or spoke unfairly or abusively.
When things like these happen, I feel mad, hurt, startled, wounded, sad. Naturally it arises to want to strike back and punish, get others to agree with me, and make a case against the other person in my own mind.
These feelings and impulses are normal. They may also bring an energy, focus, and power that’s needed to fight back (one way or another) against an attacker or escape or protect others. I’ve been involved in a few of these kinds of situations myself. Still, I haven’t had to face many of the things that people deal with who are not white or male, or privileged in other ways that I’ve been. So take whatever you find useful in my perspective below, and of course leave the rest.
When we get caught up in reactions and go overboard beyond whatever is necessary and useful, there’s usually a feeling of justification, release, and gratification. It feels good.
For a little while.
But bad things usually follow. The other person often overreacts, too, in a vicious cycle. Other people – relatives, friends, co-workers – get involved and muddy the water. We don’t look very good when we act out of upset, and others remember. It gets harder to work through the situation in a reasonable way. After the dust settles, you feel bad inside.
Consider this saying: “Blasting another person with anger is like throwing hot coals with bare hands: both people get burned.”
Sure, you need to clarify your position, stand up for yourself, set boundaries, and speak truth to power. The art – and I’m still working on it, myself! – is to do these things without the fiery excesses that have bad consequences for you and others.
The Practice.
Start by getting centered, which often takes just a dozen seconds or so:
And now that you’re on firmer ground, here are some practical suggestions; use the ones you like:
Then, if it would be useful, you can make a request for the future. Some examples: “If I bother you, could you talk with me directly?” “Could you not swear at me?” “Could you treat your agreements with me and your children as seriously as you do those at work?”
In the garden of your life, you have to pull some weeds, sure, but mainly focus on planting flowers.
We need to find peace in our own hearts, not out there in the world. A peace that comes from keeping eyes and heart open, doing what one can, and letting go along the way.
Rick Hanson, Ph.D., is a psychologist, Senior Fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, and New York Times best-selling author. His seven books have been published in 33 languages and include Making Great Relationships, Neurodharma, Resilient, Hardwiring Happiness, Just One Thing, Buddha’s Brain, and Mother Nurture - with over a million copies in English alone. He's the founder of the Global Compassion Coalition and the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, as well as the co-host of the Being Well podcast - which has been downloaded over 23 million times. His free newsletters have 260,000 subscribers, and his online programs have scholarships available for those with financial needs. He’s lectured at NASA, Google, Oxford, and Harvard. An expert on positive neuroplasticity, his work has been featured on CBS, NPR, the BBC, and other major media. He began meditating in 1974 and has taught in meditation centers worldwide. He and his wife live in northern California and have two adult children. He loves the wilderness and taking a break from emails.