When we encounter someone, usually the mind automatically slots the person into a category: older, younger, your friend Tom, the kid next door, etc. Watch this happen in your own mind as you meet or talk with a co-worker, sales clerk, or family member.
In effect, the mind summarizes and simplifies tons of details into a single thing - a human thing, to be sure, but one with an umbrella label that makes it easy to know how to act. For example: "Oh, that's my boss (or mother-in-law, or boyfriend, or traffic cop, or waiter) . . . and now I know what to do. Good."
This labeling process is fast, efficient, and gets to the essentials. As our ancestors evolved, rapid sorting of friends or foes was very useful. For example, if you're a mouse, as soon as you smell something in the "cat" category, that's all you need to know: freeze or run like crazy!
On the other hand, categorizing has lots of problems. It fixes attention to surface features of the person's body, such as age, gender, attractiveness, or role. It leads to objectifying others (e.g., "pretty woman," "authority figure") rather than respecting their humanity. It tricks us into thinking that a person comprised of changing complexities is a static unified entity. It's easier to feel threatened by someone you've labeled as this or that. And categorizing is the start of the slippery slope toward "us" and "them," prejudice, and discrimination.
Flip it around, too: what's it like for you when you can tell that another person has slotted you into some category? In effect, they've thingified you, turned you into a kind of "it" to be managed or used or dismissed, and lost sight of you as a "thou." What does this feel like? Personally, I don't like it much. Of course, it's a two-way street: if we don't like it when it's done to us, that's a good reason not to do it to others.
The Practice.
This practice can get abstract or intellectual, so try to bring it down to earth and close to your experience.
When you encounter or talk with someone, instead of reacting to what their body looks like or is doing or what category it falls into:
At first, try this practice with someone who is neutral to you, that you don't know well, like another driver in traffic or a person in line with you at the deli. Then try it both with people who are close to you - such as a friend, family member, or mate - and with people who are challenging for you, such as a critical relative, intimidating boss, or rebellious teenager.
The more significant the relationship, the more it helps to see beings, not bodies.
Rick Hanson, Ph.D., is a psychologist, Senior Fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, and New York Times best-selling author. His seven books have been published in 31 languages and include Making Great Relationships, Neurodharma, Resilient, Hardwiring Happiness, Just One Thing, Buddha’s Brain, and Mother Nurture - with over a million copies in English alone. He's the founder of the Global Compassion Coalition and the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, as well as the co-host of the Being Well podcast - which has been downloaded over 10 million times. His free newsletters have 250,000 subscribers, and his online programs have scholarships available for those with financial needs. He’s lectured at NASA, Google, Oxford, and Harvard. An expert on positive neuroplasticity, his work has been featured on CBS, NPR, the BBC, and other major media. He began meditating in 1974 and has taught in meditation centers worldwide. He and his wife live in northern California and have two adult children. He loves the wilderness and taking a break from emails.