Imagine a world in which people interacted with each other like ants or fish. Imagine a day at work like this, or in your family, aware of the surface behavior of the people around you but oblivious to their inner life while they remain unmoved by your own.
That's a world without empathy.
Empathic breakdowns shake the foundation of a relationship; recall a time you felt misunderstood – or even worse, a time when the other person couldn’t care less about understanding you. In particular, anyone who is vulnerable (e.g., children, the elderly) has a profound need for empathy, and when it’s a thin soup or missing altogether, that’s very disturbing. In my experience as a therapist, poor empathy is the core problem in most troubled couples or families; without it, nothing good is likely to happen; with it, even the most challenging issues can be resolved.
Empathy gives you a feeling of what it's like to be another person. When you are empathic, even quietly and tacitly, that tells the other person that he or she exists for you as a being, as a Thou to your I. That's usually what people most want to know; it's more fundamental than whatever topic is on the table.
Empathy is soothing, calming, and bridge-building; when it's present, it's much easier to work through things. Empathy gives you lots of helpful information, like what's most important to others or what's really bothering them.
The Practice.
This week, repeatedly tune into the interior of the people around you; "empathy moments" often take just a few seconds.
To help yourself, remember that empathy is not agreement or approval. You can tune into someone who hurt you or is irritating; you're not waiving your rights! Nor do you have to solve the other person's problem.
Also, know that empathy is completely natural. As we evolved, the brain developed three circuits (loosely defined) for empathy that simulate the actions, emotions, and thoughts of others. For example, when you experience an emotion, a part of your brain called the insula lights up; remarkably, when you see emotions in others, some of the same neurons in your insula activate as well. The result is you get a taste of what they're feeling. You were born empathic.
Start by centering yourself, so you don't feel overwhelmed; studies have found that, paradoxically, a little feeling of detachment actually promotes empathy; as Robert Frost wrote, fences make for good neighbors. Then open up to other people, letting their inner life flow through you like wind through the leaves of a deeply rooted tree.
Tune into their breathing, posture, gestures, and actions. Imagine what it would feel like to move your own body in the same way.
Tune into their emotions, particularly the softer ones underneath verbal positions or anger. Watch the eyes closely; human eyes are the most expressive of any species on our planet. Open up to your gut feelings, which could resonate with those of other people. Ask yourself what you would be feeling if you were them.
Tune into their thoughts, memories, expectations, needs, and intentions. Form little hypotheses in your mind about what could be going on over there. Take into account what you know about their personal history - including with you - and their temperament, priorities, and hot buttons. Be curious and look beneath the surface.
As appropriate, check out your empathic intuitions. Ask simple questions, like: Were you feeling ____? Did you want ____? Did you feel pulled between ____ and ____? Be respectful, not persuasive or prosecutorial. Don't muddle empathy with asserting your own views or needs; do that part later.
Stay with it. Empathy is a kind of mindfulness practice, sustaining attention, this time to someone else's inner world.
And when it's your turn to receive empathy, you'll know better what it is you are asking for.
The best way to get empathy is to give it.
Rick Hanson, Ph.D., is a psychologist, Senior Fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, and New York Times best-selling author. His seven books have been published in 31 languages and include Making Great Relationship, Neurodharma, Resilient, Hardwiring Happiness, Just One Thing, Buddha’s Brain, and Mother Nurture - with over a million copies in English alone. He's the founder of the Global Compassion Coalition and the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, as well as the co-host of the Being Well podcast - which has been downloaded over 9 million times. His free newsletters have 250,000 subscribers, and his online programs have scholarships available for those with financial needs. He’s lectured at NASA, Google, Oxford, and Harvard. An expert on positive neuroplasticity, his work has been featured on CBS, NPR, the BBC, and other major media. He began meditating in 1974 and has taught in meditation centers worldwide. He and his wife live in northern California and have two adult children. He loves the wilderness and taking a break from emails.