“I Had Anger Problems!”

​Towards the end of 2012, I ended up playing five a side football, and this was a time in my life when I was experiencing a lot of anger. It was during this time that I was involved in an altercation.

The person who was there to let the players know when they were going on and coming off lost their temper, and I matched up to it. Shortly after this took place, I wondered how this had happened.

Two Parts

I knew that what had happened was simply a reflection of what was going on within me, and that this had caused me to have this experience. I felt guilty and as though I had let myself down.

A number of the people there could see that I wasn’t to blame and this person even apologised afterwards, but I knew that there was more to it. All this anger had been building up within me and it had to come out.

A Bad Emotion

One of the main reasons why I felt bad for getting angry was that my father told me to not get angry when I was growing up. Anger was seen as something bad, which meant that I didn’t have a healthy relationship with my anger.

And as my father had passed on the year before, I felt sad that I had gone against him in this way. This was a time when I wanted to feel close to my father, and displeasing him (even though he was no longer alive), made me feel even more disconnected from him.

Invalidated

However, even though I was made to feel bad for getting angry, I had every reason to be angry at this age. This was a time when my boundaries were not respected and I was seen as an object.

The ager I experienced was justified, but I was conditioned to believe that I was the one with the problem. This set me up to be a people pleaser and to go along with how I was being treated.

It All Made Sense

As time passed, I came to see that the reason I was carrying so much anger was due to what happened to me as a child. The trauma that I had experienced through being violated as a child had come up to the surface.

So, when I got in touch with what was underneath the anger, I felt powerless, exposed, and fearful, amongst other things. Simply focusing on the anger itself wouldn’t have solved anything; I needed to deal with what was taking place at a deeper level.

Validation

When I started to work with a therapist called Vijay Rana towards the end of 2014, I gradually began to integrate my aggression. This was someone who gave me the positive regard that I needed to embrace this side of my nature.

A little while after we had worked together, I found that I still didn’t feel safe; it was as if I was boundaryless. This wasn’t just about me learning how to say yes and no, for instance, it was about me feeling safe in my body.

Another Route
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For a little while I had focused on my mind and the emotional body, and I started to think that I needed to try a different approach. As a result of this, I ended up getting back in touch with Tanmaya George, a healer/teacher who I had worked with when I did somatic experiencing.

I told her about what was going on for me and she recommended something called Life Activation. I soon noticed that my boundaries had improved, and after this I got in touch with a healer/therapist called Ben Ralston.

A Clear Understanding

I spoke about that I was going through and he knew exactly what I was talking about. It didn’t end there, though, as he had the ability to assist me in developing boundaries and letting of of my anger.

What also played a part in allowing me to let go of my anger was something called Total Release Experience (TRE). I was looking to try yoga again and I ended up coming across a technique that could heal trauma.

The Perfect Scenario

I soon came to see that this technique was easy to learn and it didn’t cost an arm and a leg either. Once I had been to two sessions, I was ready to try the technique at home.

I was amazed that I had found a technique like this just down the road from me, as I had generally worked with people who lived miles away. I now had a technique that I could use no matter where I was and it wouldn’t cost me a thing.