Wisdom and Wellness: Boundaries

This week I've been working with how much courage it takes, for those who are people-pleasers , to be authentic. It's a fact that you can't set a boundary to take care of yourself, and take care of the other person's feelings at the same time. For many, the prohibition against hurting someone else's feelings is (dysfunctionally) sacred, and hurting themselves is a given. I remember Esther Hicks who channels Abraham's teachings, talking about this and they said "pleasing you or pleasing me........I gotta go with me". A healthy selfishness is crucial to well-being, and for those raised with the belief that being selfish is almost the ultimate sin, it takes bravery and practice to change the pattern. Underlying clearing this pattern is the willingness to have someone not like you , or think you are selfish. Disordered eating and other addictions are often a response to the inability to say "no". The resentment involved in giving away chunks of your time, energy and resources that you honestly don't want to give, is toxic. Concurrent with this dynamic is not speaking up when another has violated your mental, emotional, financial or other boundaries because you fear their displeasure, or that they would withdraw from the relationship if you were honest about being upset or hurt by their actions or words. Being real in relationships is the foundation for true intimacy. It means feeling safe to set boundaries that are consistent with your well-being and to not be emotionally, verbally or physically abused as a result. When someone says "you're too sensitive", "that shouldn't bother you", "I was only kidding", in response to you speaking your truth, that's a sign you are in the presence of an offender. A healthy response would be " I wasn't aware that was important to you, and I'm so sorry you felt hurt. Thank you for telling me and I'll make sure I don't....... do it/say it again", "That was insensitive/unkind/..... of me, and I apologize for being a jerk", etc. My personal practice includes regular inventory to identify, and take immediate action where I've determined my communication or actions to be less-that-kind. Regardless of whether it's the tone of what was said, or the actual words or actions, I take responsibility to heal the issue. Will Bowen, the Unity minister who developed the Complaint Free World wristbands, says he phrases it this way "You may not be aware of ..........." . And his staff and family also direct his attention to his defects in the same way. "When you did/said......, I felt......." is the way NonViolent Communication suggests as a regular practice to keep clear in relationships. Of course this needs to be balanced with positive feedback and genuine appreciative communications.