For 10 years I read about and watched compulsive eaters become free from overeating and I continued to be discouraged as I binged and obsessed about food. I would identify with people who felt, thought, and ate the way I did, and when they said they were free I believed them. I knew it must be possible for me too so why was I still struggling? I begged, prayed, and tried everything and couldn’t go more than 3 or 4 days without bingeing.
I remember one of my particularly dark nights of the soul. I had just binged after returning from a stay at an eating disorder rehab in Texas. I was living in a tiny studio on Orchid Avenue right behind the Kodak Theater in Hollywood. Every time I walked into the front door of the old Hollywood Building I thought of Toby from “The Shining”riding his tricycle down the long hallway. On pink walls hung paintings of 1930′s movie stars who watched me as I would come and go. The sound of helicopters hovering over Hollywood and Highland forced me out of my apartment into the safety of my car once again. It was one of many nights I spent driving around in despair over the state of my mind and body. I smoked, prayed, and listened to a lot of Alice and Chains. (Thanks Jerry, for helping me feel not so alone when I was “Down in a Hole”. Your band obviously understood my suffering and your music was salve on my wounded soul. You were giving me comfort before our paths even crossed at the Key Club the next year! RIP Layne Staley and Mike Starr) Anyway, driving down Sunset Boulevard, I watched skinny girls dressed up having fun with guys and felt separated by food and fat. I was a 26 year old pretty girl who was watching life pass me by through the windows of my Honda Accord. As I wondered how much more misery I could stand, I drove up to Mulholland and thought of the tortured souls who couldn’t take it anymore and turned their steering wheel just a little too hard and flew off the cliff. I knew I wasn’t going to do that but my last resort of going into an eating disorder rehab failed so I was feeling hopeless. I remember saying to God as I looked out at the LA city lights, “I don’t see how I can take this much longer. If this is some sort of trick, it’s a dirty one, or some sort of experiment to see how much suffering one can stand then I get it, it’s not funny, and I can’t take it anymore!”) After I purged my morbid thoughts of despair, I heard a whisper as I drove down Laurel Canyon and it came from my mouth. I literally heard my voice whisper, “I still believe.” And you know what? I believe that miniscule belief kept me from drowning in a sea of despair. I believe it kept me moving forward on my path to freedom during my darkest days.
So I really encourage you to plant a seed of possibility that since I became free after 15 years of suffering, you can become free too. There is nothing different about me that separates me from you. I am a stay at home mom to a 2 year old and a 6 year old. I don’t have a nanny, a trainer, a chef, or a gym membership. I’m naturally thin, I rarely even think about food, and I love my body. Plant your seed of possibility now. All you have to say is “I believe”.
In "A Bellyful of Bliss:Freedom From Compulsive Eating is Just the Beginning" Adams shares her torturous struggle with bingeing and her mental obsession with food. The pain of each compulsive bite drove her into the depths of despair, in the middle of Hollywood. In her desperate search for freedom,Adams discovered that the yummy feelings she craved from food were already alive inside , just waiting to be activated. She reveals exactly how she started loving her body, and how she became naturally thin and healthy. Adams is a Certified Life Coach with a B.S. in Human development and Learning.