“I'm tired of arguing” are four of the most defeating words in your relationships. And there really are better ways for effectively managing conflict!
As a coach and human resource administrator, I've heard these words so many times and usually it says more about you than it does about others. Most of the time, it means that you are triggered because you are not making progress, you haven't been persuasive or you just don’t know “how to” talk with someone when contrasts are present.
There are three simple strategies in shifting perception and attitude that you can choose to engage in when the weariness of arguing and the sense of just wanting out is pressing in on you:
1. Acknowledge the problem or the issue someone is having. Respond by saying something like I can see that this is upsetting for you. This must be very important to you. I can tell you really want me to understand this the way you do. This acknowledges that you are in relationship to the other person because you are talking together. And it shows you were listening!
2. Instead of arguing persistently and forcefully to get someone to agree with you and your point of view, ask a clarifying question. The KEY elements here are that everyone feels like they have a right to be heard and they desire to be understood.
Ask a question that shows you are trying to better understand what the other person is thinking or saying or feeling. What is the point they are trying to make? How are they feeling about this topic? What are they really asking for from you? This kind of information will help you to understand what they need from you and whether or not you can meet their need. If you really knew what they wanted or needed, you might be willing to do so, and the arguing is not necessary.
Respond by saying something like Tell me more about why this is so important to you at this time. Can you help me understand by sharing some background or history about this issue? What is it that you really want me to understand? What is it that you think I can do to help?
3. Remember these primary principles of effective communication:
• Talking shows involvement.
• Listening shows caring.
• Asking clarifying questions shows a desire to truly understand.
Managing conflict more effectively is a passion for Alberta Fredricksen, a Conflict Guide and Spiritual Life Coach. You can be empowered in your personal and professional conflicts through personal coaching or group facilitations. Check Alberta's website at http://www.HeartPeaceNow.com for more FREE resources and articles. Sign up for the Awakened Inner PeaceMaker Program now!