Happy Holidays,Ting-ting-a-ling.
Everywhere I go I hear the happy, happy, happy sounds of the holidays. Wait, I am a widow. I am experiencing grief, loss, misery. What's so jolly about being left alone at this time after a good marriage ? Left alone to manage the memories, to live through the 6 weeks of happy, happy family time. Children out of the home, decorations in the storage shed. Decorations collected over 25 years. The handmade ornaments, the stockings, the cookie cutters. I detested the holidays, I detested the tv commercials, I detested the friends who no longer called. I detested the aloneness. Aloneness was everywhere and reinforced by the mass media.
I tried everything to make the time right. I went to department store sales, I bought all new Christmas oraments (never took them out of the box), I went to chat rooms, I went to grief counselors, the only thing that helped was OTHER WIDOWS. I reached out, I listened, I learned and I watched. I can be different. Rob died, I didn't. Now the challenge was what to do? I am a psychologist, I knew the answer: REFRAME what is, or be miserable. Change the externals, or stay in bed for weeks on end.
I choose CHANGE. BE DIFFERENT= DO DIFFERENT= FEEL DIFFERENT...try it, it works
Five Tips for Widows ( and anyone else) to Survive (maybe even THRIVE ) this Holiday Season !
1. Do everything differently. Create new rituals. Challenge yourself to create a new world for you and your family. The past is the past, the future awaits.
2. Envision your beloved, knowing he or she would not want a family to be miserable during a meaningful time. But, meaningful time for me, alone, is not meaningful time with an empty spot. He would not want me to wallow in the empty spot, he would want me to carry on with the joy of holidays past.
3. Send cards/newsletters with THE TRUTH, may be painful for others to read, as my youngest said, "Mom, this newsletter is a buzz kill" but guess what? When that person losses her loved one , she will be better prepared than I was. Public service to those women who believe "it will never happen to me."
4. Change the environment. The first year the girls and I escaped to a nearby city. We did everything differently, ate out, shopped, went to the movies. The second year, well, we had saved money and spent a glorious time in Hawaii...total change of view. This our third year, well, new traditions are already afoot.
5. Be thankful for what you had, but acknowledge there's a "new normal". The "new normal" starts NOW. Do what is different, be a little wild. Trying to repeat the past will revive the pain and keep it alive and well. Acknowledge the pain, but acknowledge there is a new future ahead...DO IT, CREATE IT, MANIFEST IT...you can.
Yes, with effort and support we can survive this season...we may even THRIVE.
Blessings.
Happy Holidays,Ting-ting-a-ling.
Everywhere I go I hear the happy, happy, happy sounds of the holidays. Wait, I am a widow. I am experiencing grief, loss, misery. What's so jolly about being left alone at this time after a good marriage ? Left alone to manage the memories, to live through the 6 weeks of happy, happy family time. Children out of the home, decorations in the storage shed. Decorations collected over 25 years. The handmade ornaments, the stockings, the cookie cutters. I detested the holidays, I detested the tv commercials, I detested the friends who no longer called. I detested the aloneness. Aloneness was everywhere and reinforced by the mass media.
I tried everything to make the time right. I went to department store sales, I bought all new Christmas oraments (never took them out of the box), I went to chat rooms, I went to grief counselors, the only thing that helped was OTHER WIDOWS. I reached out, I listened, I learned and I watched. I can be different. Rob died, I didn't. Now the challenge was what to do? I am a psychologist, I knew the answer: REFRAME what is, or be miserable. Change the externals, or stay in bed for weeks on end.
I choose CHANGE. BE DIFFERENT= DO DIFFERENT= FEEL DIFFERENT...try it, it works
Five Tips for Widows ( and anyone else) to Survive (maybe even THRIVE ) this Holiday Season !
1. Do everything differently. Create new rituals. Challenge yourself to create a new world for you and your family. The past is the past, the future awaits.
2. Envision your beloved, knowing he or she would not want a family to be miserable during a meaningful time. But, meaningful time for me, alone, is not meaningful time with an empty spot. He would not want me to wallow in the empty spot, he would want me to carry on with the joy of holidays past.
3. Send cards/newsletters with THE TRUTH, may be painful for others to read, as my youngest said, "Mom, this newsletter is a buzz kill" but guess what? When that person losses her loved one , she will be better prepared than I was. Public service to those women who believe "it will never happen to me."
4. Change the environment. The first year the girls and I escaped to a nearby city. We did everything differently, ate out, shopped, went to the movies. The second year, well, we had saved money and spent a glorious time in Hawaii...total change of view. This our third year, well, new traditions are already afoot.
5. Be thankful for what you had, but acknowledge there's a "new normal". The "new normal" starts NOW. Do what is different, be a little wild. Trying to repeat the past will revive the pain and keep it alive and well. Acknowledge the pain, but acknowledge there is a new future ahead...DO IT, CREATE IT, MANIFEST IT...you can.