When anger is used correctly it almost always has positive results! This statement is very shocking, for it is in direct contradiction with most past experiences. We have all witnessed the sharp and cutting blade of anger as it slashes and cuts red its victim. We have all felt unresolved anger create emotional distance between ourselves and our loved ones or co-workers.
Is there a place for anger in the workplace? Destructive anger no, but anger that can build is definitely needed. When anger is incorrectly used it will destroy sensitive relationships with a co-worker, boss, vendor, or worse still a customer. In these cases anger was not used correctly. Most people have experienced working in a work environment that is full of conflict and unresolved anger. When the work environment tension is thick enough to be felt; bottom line implications are experienced: lost of productivity, increased turnover, and decreased communication.
When anger is allowed to work toward personal or business goals, it can effectively clarify to others where they stop and we begin. The nature of anger is a healthy establishment of personal boundaries by communicating emotional needs, warnings when threatening, and the necessary demarcation of interpersonal boundaries.
The water held behind dam walls represents considerable energy and the dam must be of an equal force to keep the water in place. If more water is behind available than the dam can hold: overflowing or a bursting dam will happen both resulting in flooding the valley below. Anger is energy and obeys the same physical laws as other forms of energy. Anger stored requires considerable energy to hold it in, the more anger the more effort is required to store it. When the amount of anger exceeds the capacity to store it the kinetic energy forces released can create considerable destruction. Not storing anger is the best and least expensive method of dealing with this energy and this is handled by dealing with the problem instead of storing the resentment.
Anger can be divided into two groups; new anger and old anger. Old anger is the resentments, unmet expectations, and scarlet emotional wounds from the past. Each unresolved anger event that is kept locked inside of us adds to the energy that we must store. Then when new anger is added to this lake of anger the dam walls are exceeded and flooding occurs. It is often the broken shoelace that adds the last bit of energy which results in the inevitable dam bursting! Unfortunately the target of this anger explosion are people who are closest to us; trusted co-workers or family members.
Anger which is verbally expressed when it occurs somehow does not add to the old anger and therefore loses it's potential for bursting the dam. This is a simple rule for successful living; verbally expressing the anger when it is perceived and as soon after the event as possible. If the person who occasioned the anger is a significant person then confronting them becomes necessary for maintaining a healthy relationship. They need to know exactly what our anger is about; for not many of people are mind readers!
When anger is used for building a relationship each person has a clear understanding of the other's needs and boundaries. The expression of anger can be in a normal conversational and even in a polite tone of voice; shouting or the silent treatment is not necessary; attack the problem not the person!
A simple but effective method for confronting others in a non-threatening manner is the See-Feel-need method. "I see what happened …." (describing the event), "This makes me feel … " ( using actual feeling words such as disappointed, angry, irritated, confused, etc.), and "I need from you…" (how this situation can be resolved).
The See-Feel-Need method is proceeded by the taking of personal responsibility for the anger with a clear "I" statement. Attacking the person with a "you" statement, such as "you did' or "you didn't" is the verbal equivalent of a bayonet attack. Using "I have a problem" attributes responsibility for the anger where it belongs and allows for confrontation without attacking the other person.
The last part of this equation is an attitude. Asking for what you want or need, being thankful for what you get, and then in a nondestructive manner negotiate on the difference. By trying to allow others to achieve their needs as well as your needs, creates what is commonly called a "win-win" situation.
Then the old anger which has been stored behind large dam walls in yesterday's anger lake, can be best dealt with by the willingness to deal directly with it. To explore the hurts, the wounds from the past and deal with them in present time. Writing about these events is a good method of understanding and identifying the feelings associated with the unresolved anger.
In addition to writing, there are numerous self-help groups which are safe places to verbally express your anger and pain. If anger is overwhelming and /or depression has occurred, a professional counselor is recommended. A trained therapist can assist in slowly and safely unlocking the old anger, thus obtaining the freedom to live today with the burden of yesterday's resentments.
These few simple but very difficult steps will allow anger to work as nature designed; building, not destroying relationships. They will increase communication and increase the effectiveness of feedback.
David W. Earle has over twenty-five years of executive management in the construction field. He now earns his living working as a business coach, by working with organizations and individuals to improve human relationship skills, communication abilities, and leadership principals. As a business coach, he assist his clients in making the changes they want to make in their businesses and in their personal lives.
David is also a civil mediator and arbitrator working as a Court-Annexed Mediator for the US Federal Court-Middle District. He is also a mediator and arbitrator for the Louisiana Rehabilitation Service, served as a mediator for the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), is on the panel of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC), was formally on the panel of mediators of The Louisiana Supreme Court, and as an arbitrator for Louisiana State Bar Association.
David received a masters degree in counseling from Texas A&M and is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) with a small private family practice. He is on the faculty of the University of Phoenix.
David lives in Jefferson Terrace in Baton Rouge with his wife, Penny, and their cat, Hobbes.