I have found that for many ADHD couples it is hard to see the true warning sings that their relationship may need outside help. When immersed in our own conversation and behavior patterns with each other, it would be unusual for us to be able to see the larger perspective of what is really going on. That is exactly what makes the miscommunications in our relationships so frustrating.
However, it is imperative that we see the larger picture and develop an understanding of what is really going on and what to do about it. Missing this perspective cancels out creative ways of both understanding and solving our problems on our own. Missing this perspective can end the affected relationship.
What is needed when communication breaks down with ADHD couples is a professional who understand the issues experienced by couples, and in particular ADHD couples. This person whether coach or therapist, can translate to the couple what they see is happening from a broader perspective and a more objective and neutral point of view. This helps each partner in the relationship address the main causes of issues between them.
The most common wake up calls needed are:
-Seeing your point of view so well you cannot see your partner’s
-Words, emotions and body language used in conversations are making you or your partner feel defensive and angry
-Absent is the courage and commitment to take positive action and trust that answers and insights will come
-Missing being “all in”, i.e. focusing 100 % of your energy and effort to creating positive change in the relationship
I am working with a couple who became enmeshed in a recurring routine where they became more intent on catching each other being at fault rather than listening to each other more consciously. The result was a revolving cycle of accusations, arguments, and threats to leave. During our ADHD coaching sessions, they began to notice how they contributed to the negative cycle they found themselves in and became aware of how they had replaced listening to their partner with blame and judgment. They came to see how they were taking no responsibility for their own behavior. Now they are learning to come to their conversations minus previous resentments and with the intention to listen with love and acceptance. It is a process that continues to evolve but we agree they are arguing less and happier with each other as a result of their new communication.
I recommend that couples pay attention to the following signs:
-More of your communication patterns are negative than positive.
-Intimacy in the relationship – whether hugging, touching or sex – is missing
-Avoiding interaction with your partner rather than creating it
All of our relationships in life are subject to trials, ups and downs and misunderstanding. The important thing is to not wait to get help when negative patterns are forming in couple relationships. The sooner you get outside input and help from a professional, the more likely you will be able to save your relationship. The longer you wait to get help, the less likely that will happen because bad patterns will be more entrenched and patience with each other will be running short. The trick is not to get disappointed, upset and angry. The answer is to get help and support so you can face your relationship challenges from a better informed and positive perspective.
Carol Gignoux, M.Ed. is a well established expert within the ADHD coaching, consulting and training profession with over 35 years experience working with ADHD and over 16 years as a professional coach. Carol and her team of experts specialize in coaching adults, couples, small business owners, and entrepreneurs who want to move their businesses from being successful to extraordinary, and develop the skills and confidence to achieve better results in their academic, professional, and personal lives. Carol is currently writing her book, The Asset: Your Success Gene and the Myth of ADD.