1. Why did you decide to share your story with the world?
Answer – This is a very good question and one I have asked myself many times over. The answer is not very black and white; it’s was a combination of many factories. It truth at first it was a way of trying to heal myself, if I could just revisit that dark place then maybe I could find some sort of closure. Seeing it down in print made me face my demons, there was no longer any choice. It became so very real and I was made to look into the face of hell - my hell. As my book progressed it was clear that it was becoming much more than that. It was also recognition of a life, and one that I stand in awe of every time I think of her. That someone enriched my life tenfold, I am proud to be able to call that person my mum. This story needed to be shared with the world for that reason alone. I was also hoping to be able to reach out to others, those which may need a hand to hold. Not unlike finding some form of camaraderie in numbers, cemented by the fact that others could and would understand. I am here to say that there is light at the end of the tunnel; you just need to reach for it. It was a message that I needed to get out there to share, that you can and will survive this with faith. To condense this all down by sharing a chapter in my life at its darkest point, maybe it could help others with their own.
2. For your memoir you decided to write it yourself instead of using a ghost writer, are you happy with that decision now that the book is complete?
Answer – I understand that this book/memoir is just a little different to most other memoirs, as you rightly say I was the one to right this, choosing not to use a Ghost writer. This is something I never even considered, to my mind I had to be the one to do this. I had to somehow try to express the feelings and emotions I felt within its pages, ultimately as no other person could. The best outcome being that you would take the journey with me, strongly believing that this time I would not be alone. I had to travel down that path no question, but it was a lonely road to walk. So the answer to your question is yes I am very happy with the decision I made, no other decision was even in the equation.
3. What message do you want your readers to grasp?
Answer – This question has to be answered two fold. Many things happen to us throughout our life time some good some bad. The good hopefully outweighs the bad, but for others that sadly is not the case. People looking in on us as we go through such a traumatic life changing experience, may find its content hard to understand. There is a knee jerk reaction that tells them to turn away; if they don’t recognise it it’s simply not there. By sharing my experience, I am hoping to hold their attention just enough to dispel their fears. Secondly I am hoping to make anyone in a similar situation aware that there is help out there, that you can survive this because you are stronger then you think. There’s a place somewhere deep inside of all of us that has yet been untapped; if you have never had occasion to do so you are unaware of its strength. But at your darkest moment as long as you believe, hold on to life and love you will survive.
4. What advice would you give to someone that is in an abuse situation?
Answer – It has taken many years of my life to realise, that maybe I was not to blame for everything going on around me at that time, that feeling to be honest never really goes away. I could say that I am now at easy with my involvement, but that would be untrue. So where do you go from there? Forgiveness has to be the answer. Firstly you need to try and forgive yourself, to heal the child that’s inside of us all. The other side of the coin is so much harder, you have to try and make headway in forgiving your abuser. Holding on to all that pain is only creating a mountain of hate which has no real purpose, by holding on to that pain your abuser is still very much in control. I am not in the least saying this will be easy, how could I when I am still struggling to do just that myself. But we have to believe that it’s possible.
5. Are you working on anything right now?
Answer - At present I am still very much involved with my current books release, but somewhere in the back of my mind there is a continuation.
6. Was writing the book in some way therapeutic for you?
Answer – Was it therapeutic....... not an easy one to answer. The day I sat down to write I had never been so scared in my life could I really do this? Could I revisit that dark place and come out of it the other end? It was a long hard journey but one I knew I had to take. Sitting here now I know that it has helped me enormously. But while writing there were times that I could not face the next chapter sentence or even the next word. So yes it has been therapeutic, but at that time it was like looking into the fires of hell.
7. Was your decision to write 'There's a fine line' planned or was it a spontaneous decision?
Answer – I could not say that it was planned because in truth; it sort of crept up on me from behind getting closer as time passed. To me it seemed like the best way to deal with the demons lurking in the dark corners of my mind. I didn’t get up one day and think lets go write a book! It started as something much smaller - i.e. if I could just write everything down it would feel somewhat like unloading. I could not continue to carry around this amount of emotion/pain any longer without any release. Somewhere along the line it became a book, but at what point this changed I am unsure it just seemed to evolve. Maybe it was the need to help others to do just that, to unload their pain and to face their own demons. You see if my book only helps one person that recognisees its content, then it will have been worth all the pain inflicted.
Teresa Joyce was born in 1958 the middle child of three. After losing her father at a very young age; it was to set the pattern for the rest of her life. Losing was something that she would have to get used to. Today she still has some memory of her father, but in truth it’s all a little hazy. Her mother through no fault of her own after that loss had no other alternative, then to return to her parent’s home with her children in tow. This family unit were to spend only a few years there, until the wind of change came around once more. Teresa still holds many happy memories from her time there as a child. Happy memories are something that Teresa holds in very short supply, and she has treasured them always. Her mother was set to meet the man that was to become her stepfather, and they moved on once more to a new city with the promise of a new life. Hopefully it would be a happy one for all concerned, but it became a place for Teresa that felt far more like a prison. One in which she would spend many days months and years hating. Teresa swore to herself that she would leave all this behind her at the first possible occasion. She can still clearly remember the day that she left that family home and joined the Royal Air Force. It was just two months off her sixteenth birthday. Her stepfather had informed her that to remain living in his house, she had to live by his rules. This was a big decision for her to take being so young, but she could no longer live by any rules that he imposed. Never really understanding at that time, what she was really running from. Memories of those years living by his rules were buried so deep, that previous years and events were only a burr to her. Teresa’s Time spent while in the Royal Air Force was very rewarding, and she involved herself in all and everything possible. After meeting her ex -husband whilst she was on leave, she then left this all behind her and married. It was greatly missed and in retrospect, it would be something that she would live to regret many years later. Life as a married woman changed many things for her; the biggest of all would be the arrival of her son. Teresa loved him even before he was born, and he is still able to pull on her heart strings daily.
Sadly after many years, she found herself unable to stay within that marriage. The onset of a set of circumstances beyond her control would stamp its seal, rendering the marriage unworkable. Engineered by the involvement of the one man Teresa had learnt to hate - her stepfather. The marriage was dissolved and there was no going back on her part, that door was firmly closed behind her. Some years later she would find herself in a long term lesbian relationship, firmly believing that anything touched by a man was tainted; bringing with it only pain and heartache. Teresa’s thoughts at that time were that the worst was surly now behind her, but her life was set to make another turn from her envisaged path. It was to arrive in the form of an accident, which once again would alter her life forever. After many months and many doctors reports she was ill health retired, unable to return to work in either one of her two loved occupations. Teresa was affected by this far more then she could have ever expected, she was left alone with nothing but time, and still within the mix of a completely insane situation; it was at this point that Teresa would enter into the mental health care system fully, to have any hope of dealing with everything going on around her. That care umbrella is still part of her everyday life. The loss of her mother through less than adequate health care, brought her pain like she had never thought possible. Teresa saw herself delving deeper and deeper into her own unconscious thoughts, revealing to her at that time memories which seemed so alien. Ultimately her mental health would prove to be a factor, in the disintegration of her then lesbian relationship.
It’s something that Teresa is still trying to come to terms with even now. She now lives alone with only a small dog for company, which in truth she is happy with. Firmly believing that she can’t hurt those she loves, if they are not there for her to do so; to her mind segregation is the answer. Teresa is still unable to work and in constant pain daily. Maybe today you could say that she has once more taken back control of her life, but only outwardly. The truth is she still carries the past along with her, like an uninvited guest at a party. The one that never seems to know when the party is over and it’s time to leave. Teresa is now trying to live her life as fully as possible, through her son and grandson; they have become her light at the end of the tunnel.