2001, I remember looking in
the mirror, asking myself...
”Why can't I stop drinking?"
I lost all hope in who I was and hurt so much, that I could not bear it any longer.You see, I was chronic alcoholic. Everyday, when I woke up I felt the ever present feeling of impending doom. That aching you feel in your heart. That you're incomplete. That you're not pretty enough, strong enough, smart enough or tall enough. Tits to small, Bad teeth. Major issues with the IRS, The ex. I felt a big gaping hole in my gut. No one could tell me NOT to drink. After all it's my life right?
I thought it helped. I HAD to drink.Then it stopped working. I let down my friends and my kids. I was a blackout drinker. I had majors issues with guilt, shame, remorse, resentment, anger, embarrassment & hate. Worry, anxiety & insecurity as well. I was the victim. Those assholes! If they'd just mind their own business. Everything would be all right. It scares me to think what could have happened. I tried to to control my drinking but I could not.
I hit that bottom on a cold winter Montana day. The state of Montana took my kids from me. I wanted to die. My desire to live was stronger. I wanted my kids and my life back. It wasn't my will power that got me to finally stop. I just quit fighting it. I gave up. I was so tired.
At 7:00 am after a all night drinking binge, I found myself running down a small town street. Sobbing terribly. I wanted to crawl in a hole & die. I didn't know what to do. I cried out at GOD, as I know him "PLEASE HELP ME, TELL ME WHAT TO DO?" In a moment of clarity, I heard a still small voice inside of me who said, "knock on that door and they will help you."
I really didn't have any other ideas. My ideas kept getting me back to the bar. I had to get real humble and muster up alot of courage. When I did knock and the door was opened, I opened my mouth to express my need, but I cried horribly, with deep gut wrenching sobs.I knew the guy was sober six years and raising three kids on his own. Later he said that I didn't make a whole lot of sense.
I stopped cold turkey. They say its not good for you to do that.You should get help. I never ever want to go through that again. I'm here to tell you that it's always worst before its gets better. The nights were the hardest as I went through withdrawals. The sleeping 5 min. wake up soaking with sweat. Drunk dreams. The shakes. I had a little fella, one on each shoulder. "DRINK" one said. "DON'T DRINK the other said and so it carried on in the insanity of the drink. Sometimes it was all I could do to get through the next 5 minutes without breaking down.
I knew that I had to change the way I was thinking. What I thought made me feel the way I was feeling. I didn't know that my feelings kept me locked in that mindset of the hopeless alcoholic. I honestly didn't know there was another way to live. I saw other people living, laughing & loving. Why couldn't I be like that. I was always hiding the drink.
It is not my intent to preach A.A to you. I am only sharing my experience, strength and hope with you that you will not give up on who you really are. Deep inside, the little kid, who had all hopes and dreams in this world. Who wondered about who they'd be when they grew up.
.
God stepped in because I was willing to change and he changed my life and who I am. Now I try to be the best person that I can and I stay in today. One day at time. I call it faith. It has nothing to do with your will-power. Every morning as I wake I can hear my Lord telling me things. Also during the day I meditate.
For me I had to become the one that I trust, love and accept.
For me I had to call out to God and he delivered me.
Everyday I am grateful that God gave me another chance.
Replace that hopelessness with gratitude and watch your life change.
Forgive, Forget, change your heart, change your life and change your destiny!
You have a legacy that you were born into that influences
you until you make conscious choices to change your destiny!
♥ Never ever give up on your dreams!
~Love and Light...
~Debbie:)
Montana Dreamaker
You have a legacy that you were born into that influences you until you make conscious choices to change your destiny! ~Debbie:)