Don't Underestimate the Value of Denial

My mother was famous for not paying attention. To my father and his drinking, his depression, his philandering. She would always find the bright side of life - way before Monty Python sang the song.

And she was demanding - so she paid attention to some things! I carried her luggage and her many coats on my shoulders as a teenager traveling in Europe. Later when she visited me in my "grown-up" home I would cook five or six eggs for her to get the one that was right.

These are good traits, though, admittedly, traits to be reckoned with! They are self-sustaining, viable options to the martyr role I learned. She knew what she wanted, she could direct employees, wear the best clothes and look great and she knew how to make her daughters quiet.

She never needed to consider her actions on others, and when she passed at eighty-eight she had people clamoring to see her, to tell their tales of knowing her in general and being her friend. What they never heard was how bad it was for her. They never knew how demanding and judgmental her parents were, how she was stigmatized as a youth, about her long and frustrating marriage. She would tell me, "I'm no Sob Sister" and carry on, a smile on her face.

I'm not advocating being fussy, demanding and aloof but the parts of her that remain the most with me are her buoyancy, her sense of awe, her determination. She loved art, music, beautiful things and people. She traveled, she danced, she had a stage name. She was never on stage, but she was prepared for the best.

When she ran out of money she didn't think about it. She never seemed to suffer the consequences, she knew she would be taken care of and she wasn't looking to find out "who" was going to help. When her eyes failed and she had to give up driving she made it seem easy. She was a beautiful woman and as she got older even though her chin sagged and her arms flapped, her beauty never faded.

My message to you is, don't underestimate yourself, know you are loved and supported, be picky about what you say to others about "how" you are, be your best self, be a good friend, start here, with you.