The mind likes to push us from black to white, from either to or, from positive to negative.

When we remember events or people, we tend to sort the memories into categories. We see life as either good or bad. We say this is a good memory and that is a bad memory.

The mind seems to be trying to simplify things for us, but what really is happening is a fragmentation of memory and of life.

Some people or events in our memory become part of the list of positive memories. Some get added to the list of negative memories.

Years later we may reflect back on our lives as a series of either good memories or bad memories.

In my experience this compartmentalization often leads to distortions of reality. And these distortions can keep us stuck in the past. And further, these distortions of reality keep us stuck in the role of the victim.

The victim mind is seeking control. The victim mind is attempting to hold time captive. But what is really happening is that we hold ourselves captive.

As this captive state persists, life can become suspended between the world of now and the world of the past.

To move beyond grief requires a paradigm shift. To move beyond grief requires a fresh look at the memory process. To move beyond grief requires a holistic view of memory.

There can be no resolution when the relationships of our lives are wrapped in selective feelings and memories. The mind grasps for structure and completeness, but really is grasping for control.

Control is not possible. There needs to be a shift from seeking control to seeking resolution. Seeking resolution requires honesty and diligence.

Author's Bio: 

Sandy Clendenen lost her husband and best friend in 1999, after twenty-one years of marriage. Her grief process was lengthy and complex. Sandy felt stuck in layers of unresolved grief. As part of her heaing, Sandy filled numerous journals with her thoughts and feelings. A review of these journals several years later revealed insights into the grief process which Sandy is now committed to sharing with other grievers. Sandy attended seminary for 3 years. She also received her Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology. Sandy has also worked in various areas of hands on healing. Sandy incorporates her vast personal experience and education into her grief coaching products and services.

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