Six Recommendations for Speech and Social Relationships

Speech not only can affect one’s own energy, but it can also affect one’s relationship with others and the dynamics of a social relationship and a community. For the most part, people tend to speak whatever comes to them without a great deal (if any) reflection. This practice however can have grave and negative consequences in interpersonal relationships and for any society. The loss of civility, an increase in anger and hatred, polarization are all symptoms of speech that has gone far beyond the bounds within which it acts as a positive influence.

Words said in anger, negative assertions about others may get resolved in some kind of short-term settlement or compromise, but the individuals on the receiving end of such negativity sometimes carry the residual impacts for years, and this can harm the ability of people to live together, work together and develop harmony in their community.

Sri Aurobindo provides a succinct set of recommendations for maintaining and sustaining harmony in a community and between people through moderation of what one speaks. It is important to recognise that loud and aggressive assertion does not actually convince anyone or change anyone’s opinions. Thus, such speech has virtually no redeeming value of effecting positive social change! Similarly an assertion of superiority and condescension does not work toward increasing harmony. Some basic concepts include reviewing, before speaking, whether the speech is necessary, and whether it is kind and whether it is helpful in resolving a situation.

Sri Aurobindo writes: “The psychic self-control that is desirable in these surroundings and in the midst of discussion would mean among other things: 1. Not to allow the impulse of speech to assert itself too much or say anything without reflection, but to speak always with a conscious control and only what is necessary and helpful. 2. To avoid all debate, dispute or too animated discussion and simply say what has to be said and leave it there. There should also be no insistence that you are right and the others wrong, but what is said should only be thrown in as a contribution to the consideration of the truth of the matter. 3. To keep the tone of speech and the wording very quiet and calm and uninsistent. 4. Not to mind at all if others are heated and dispute, but remain quiet and undisturbed and yourself speak only what can help things to be smooth again. 5. If there is gossip about others and harsh criticism (especially about sadhaks), not to join – for these things are helpful in no way and only lower the consciousness from its higher level. 6. To avoid all that would hurt or wound others.”

Sri Aurobindo, Integral Yoga: Sri Aurobindo’s Teaching and Method of Practice, Chapter 11, Human Relationships in Yoga, Talking with Others, pg. 337