Isn’t it sad that most couples are not happy or that relationships are barely working as the partners wish? I attribute this to a lack of courage, to fear. For you see, we tend to lead with our defenses, protection and ego in our relationship. We are not attractive when we use our porcupine mode to approach our partner. Then we wonder how come we don’t get what we desire.
What would happen if we stopped being the dragon (the pursuer) or the turtle (the distancer) in our relationship? What would happen if we laid it all out, and just showed up with our vulnerable Self? I hear your defenses come up. Hang in there with me. I have heard time and again from partners that when they do show up, the partners don’t want them making their worst nightmares a reality.
Well, first let me commend you for even having gotten this far. The fact that you have this experience means you are playing with this concept, which is more than what most are doing. Some can’t let down their defenses if their actual physical lives depended on it. I know they can’t let down their defenses because there is an unconscious fear of a psychological and emotional (existential) death, hence our strong attachment to our defense mechanisms. But you are pushing through. Good for you!
Second, it might feel like your partner doesn’t want you, but that is not true. At this juncture you are fragile, vulnerable, and engaged in a new delicate dance. This is scary. But, remember your partner is in the same dance with you. It’s scary for them too
Remember our relationship is the fertile and, believe it or not, safe ground for us to shed our defenses and embrace our Authentic Self. As unsafe as our relationship might feel at times, this is the safest place for us to try our training wheels on. Our relationship is our gift and opportunity for us to do our healing, growing, stretching, and learning. For even when we feel at risk and in pain, at the end of the day our partner loves us and still wants what is best for us. (Quite down those defenses and stick with me).
I know that at times the above is difficult to believe but if we just quiet down enough and connect with our core Self, we’d know we are safe and that all is good and for a reason. When you are in doubt mode and in pain, leave your partner out of it and think about why you are here. Why is this happening? What is the message? What are you supposed to be learning? What are you supposed to be doing differently? How are you supposed to be stretching? What other part of you are you supposed to be embracing? It is imperative that you frame it as yet another opportunity to do your thing. This is where change happens
It is easy to leave, to run, and to do the usual. It takes courage to think outside the box, to stretch, to try something different, to put down our defenses.
Surprise yourself and your partner, put down your defenses and do something outside your comfort zone in your relationship.
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Happy Stretching!
http://www.metrorelationship.com/SuccessfulCouples/2014/06/using-courage/
Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship" philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples " programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com.