Are you setting yourself up again? 10 things you need to know to avoid being hurt and disappointed.
Nobody, absolutely nobody likes being taken advantage of. But when you are foolish enough to set yourself up to be played for a fool by a fool, that's taking clueless to a whole new level - especially when the fool who’s playing you is you. One thing is certain, love doesn't love anybody. Nor does love come with any guarantees. Inasmuch, there are things you need to be aware of if you plan to keep your sanity while searching for Mr. or Ms. Right. Over priced internet dating sites, so called "match makers," and hook ups from a friend all have one thing in common, unforeseeable peril. As you throw the dice hoping to get lucky at love, the odds are stacked more against you than for you. Making matters worse, just when you think you're hedging your bets, more than likely you’re setting yourself up to be pimped like a tawdry sex worker. Be that as it may, there are things you can do to put the odds of purposeful dating back in your favor.
The underlying reason why we end up being taken advantage of while dating is because we put ourselves in a wobbly perplexed position from day one. Adding insult to injury, we don't learn from our mistakes. Instead, we become more apathetic, and more combative in each subsequent relationship. In most instances, this over compensation leads to more failures than successes. It’s the psychological equivalent of going on a date with a machete in one hand, a gun in the other, while wearing a bullet proof vest and a football helmet. Who in their right mind is going to want to cozy up to you while you’re standing there looking like a damn fool as you proudly plant your flag in the sand.
Let’s take responsibility for our ongoing progression. If anything, we need to cease our march toward more and more mediocrity. You have the power to change this. The more you blame others the more you become rooted in denial. If you’re to be honest, the reason people take advantage of you is a direct result of your own contribution to your problem. HINT - isn't dating supposed to be fun?
Ask yourself this question. “How have I taken something which was intended to be an opportunity for me to learn more about myself and others and turned it into an emaciated emotional mine field?” For most, dating has become a psycho sexual obstacle course riddled with mind games and deceit. When you're not overreaching, you're either dealing with fraudulence on your behalf or someone else's, or at best, you’re sorting your way through a hollowed lovesick game of smoke and mirrors. My dear there is no benefit in further crippling yourself mentally and emotionally. There is a better way. After all, isn't dating supposed to lead you toward finding the right person. A person who's a suitable fit for your life. If that's what you want, nows the time to get a pen and paper out, and keep reading.
How can you find something unless you actually know what you're looking for. Successful dating necessitates you being fully in touch with what you desire in a mate while being realistic and truthful about who you really are. You didn't come from a cookie cutter or a jello mold and neither does anyone else. Finding real love begins with you being authentic about who you are, what you value, and your “real” lifestyle. There are no rights or wrongs here, just realities. Here are 6 things you must know about yourself before you begin involving someone else in your life.
Who are you? This goes far beyond what you like to eat, your style of dress and your job title. Think deeper. If you had to write 5 sentences describing your behavior, your beliefs and your daily habits what would that look like.
What's your attitude about friends and family? Are you the type of person who has an open door policy when it comes to friends and family members being in your business and at your home? What are your limits? Where do those boundaries begin and end?
What's your attitude about money? Are you a saver, a spender or somewhere in between? Are you a tightwad when spending your coins?Put another way, are you expecting more from others than you’re willing to give? Are your beliefs based on tradition or preference?
How big of a freak are you? Do you like oral sex, anal sex, or could you care less if you even have sex? Have you given any thought as to what sexual things turn you on and as well as off? What is a normal sex pattern for you, (how your really behave after the initial infatuation period wears off)? i.e. do you even know what your sexual pattern is?
Why are you dating? What are you looking for and why?
Are traditional gender roles important to you? Distinguish where you draw the line as well as what your expectations are.
Since part (A) is all about you, now doesn’t it make sense that part (B) is all about your expectations. These are the things you expect from a potential partner. More than likely the most significant element in your cycle of disappointment is the fact that you never clearly defined what you need and want in a mate. Now, it’s time to be specific about the deal breakers and deal makers. Here are at least 4 things you must consider:
What are your needs right now? Are you really being realistic if you believe that this person, at present, is capable of, or in the near future, or even willing to, fill the bill as it relates to your current and future mental, emotional, sexual and financial needs? What evidence do you have to confirm your assumptions?
What attracted you to them in the first place? Are you projecting your pipe dream on someone, or is this person truly what you "perceive" them to be.
What are your deal breakers? It's not the other persons fault if you settle for less than you desire and deserve. Are you tolerating habits like drugs, drinking, smoking or something even worse, just because you can't handle being alone? Hint - you can’t stand being alone with you why in the hell would someone else want to be alone with you.
Are the two of you equally yoked? I'm going far beyond finances and pedigree here. Do you share likened belief systems, common values, similar preferences. If the answer is no, you may be attracted to them and have great chemistry but in the long run you will be disappointed and hurt.
People don't hurt us, we self mutilate. Dating and happiness can come together only when you're honest with yourself. Making excuses for yourself and others is not only foolish, it's down right stupid.
by Relationship Expert Dr. D ivan Young
Best Selling Author and Relationship Expert Dr. D Ivan Young is a Professional Certified Coach, Master MBTI Practitioner, a Certified Master Neuro-Linguistic Programming Practitioner, and a Master Certified Coach. His insightful yet, provocative teaching style on complex relationship subjects has been hailed by millions of fans across the country as remarkable. Dr. D’s effectual and powerful dialogue has helped women, men, singles, couples, families and organizations to develop healthy relationships and understand their true intended purpose despite personal and professional challenges.