Being a New Single Mom

Even through my 38 weeks of pregnancy, I never once imagined what motherhood would be like. I really never thought about being a single mom. Yes, you hear things will change, but I never truly understood it, which seems to be the case with most things, until you experience them.

After delivery, my sister speaks to my dad who asks how the baby and I are and the stats of him. Then she calls my mom, who is upset, to say the least. My mom wanted to be in the delivery room with all three of her recent grandbabies, and all three moms (my sister-in-law, my sister, and myself) vetoed the idea. My mom was on my list of "who will take me to the hospital when I go into labor (my idea of driving myself was unanimously vetoed by everyone but me)," so she thought she would be there the whole time. Little did we all know that going into labor would definitely not go as planned... what else is new?!

On the phone, my mom says, "She's in labor."

My sister says, "No. She has already had the baby."

Then my mom's voice is raised not believing we didn't call her. My sister says, "It was overnight, and we didn't know how long it would take. We texted you, and you didn't respond."

"I never got it."

"We figured you didn't."

My sister hangs up the phone and says, "You owe me for that phone call."

I reply in what is usually her typical fashion, "Yeah, yeah."

One by one my brother calls and then all three of my close friends. They are quite excited, but I'm in a daze. Everything seems a bit surreal, as though I'm living in someone else's life and not my own. I know my sister wants to leave, because she has had literally no sleep and having had her own baby 5 1/2 weeks ago, she must be exhausted. I tell her she has to stay until I tell our mom my son's name. I didn't reveal his name to anyone, and I want my sister to see my mom's reactions. We thought she would be so touched by his name she would cry.

The nurse prepares to take me to my room, which takes about an hour longer than I expect. As I sit in my wheelchair, my mom enters the room with presents and Mickie D's in hand. Yummy. My lack of sleep doesn't even enter my mind, all I can think about is food (not too surprising if you know me.) A bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit... just what my tummy needs right now!! YES!

My mom walks toward me and says, "Here's your food."

I reply, "Thank you."

She says, "Where's the baby?"

I reply, "They took him for a minute. They are bringing him right back."

My mom gives me a half hug and hands me her gifts. I can feel the tension in the air, when I thank her for them, the food, and for coming. I know she is hurt, but I'm still glad that I did it the way I wanted. It was less stress and pressure on me, and I know she doesn't understand that... and I'm okay with that.

As though on cue, the baby enters the room, and I say, "This is Blaise McGuinness Rector."

As she rubs the back of my right shoulder, she says, "AHHH, that's so sweet of you."

What? That's it? That's all the reaction I get? Where are the tears? This is someone who cries at a Lifetime movie. She sheds tears ordering food. What the heck? Can't I get more than that? I did after all just give my son her brother's last name as his middle name, which so happens to be her maiden name. What the heck?!

My uncle and I were very close before he passed away six years ago. He had two sons but neither one got married or had any kids, and one of them passed away several years ago. I wanted to name Blaise after him as an homage, but I didn't much care for either his first or middle names, so I went with his last name, McGuinness.

My mom walks to the corner, and my sister walks to me and whispers, "Well, that was anti-climatic."

"Yeah, you're telling me. I'm sorry I made you stay for that. I thought it was going to be a bit better. Oh well, you can go. Get some sleep. Thanks again for driving me and for staying and for all you did. I really appreciate it."

She says, "You're welcome."

My mom walks toward us, and my sister says to Blaise, "Bye buddy. Welcome."

I say, "You do know, now you are BFF's?!"

She smiles and then leaves. I'm so happy that she agreed to be with me during delivery. I think back to some of our conversations and wonder how we managed to stay awake all night. It's funny the things that go through your mind in these type of times. I say, "What if I die during childbirth?"

My sister says, "Why are you being morbid?"

"I'm not trying to be morbid, but what if I do."

"You're not going to."

"Well, I'm sure no one thinks she's going to die during delivery, but someone does. What if it's me, and there isn't anyone to take him?"

"You're not going to."

"But you hear of things happening like that, and no one thinks she will. And it's obviously been known to happen."

"I will take him if it does."

"Okay, thanks."

Even if it doesn't happen I need to be secure with his being taken care of. I just needed reassurance that someone will take my boy. I needed her to say it.

My mind comes back to my mom's voice, "Jessica? Jessica?"

"Huh?"

"When are they taking you to your room?"

"She said 10 minutes a long time ago, so I don't know."

We aren't there much longer before the new nurses come in and ask if I am ready. Yes, I am. They let my mom wheel my son's bassinet to the new room, and she is loving life.

The next several hours are a blur. Nurses coming in and out. My mom sits on the couch, holding Blaise until another family member comes and holds him. I doze in and out of sleep, between the nurses checking vitals, helping my son latch on, and my holding my son.

My sister comes back with her husband and two kids. I ask her if she remembered to bring them. She knows I've been dying for at least one of them.

She says, "Yes," and I feel a huge sense of release. It's about five in the afternoon, and it hits me. I'm going to miss my nephew's football game. I tell my mom she needs to go, since she's only seen a few of them.

I ask, "Are you coming back after?"

"No. I think I'm going to call in sick tomorrow."

"You don't need to do that."

"Well, it's my choice, just like it was your choice to come to the hospital and deliver by yourself."

I think, And there it is. I knew she was mad, and she was doing her best to hide it. I also knew sooner or later it would come out. And there, it finally came out. But actually I wasn't by myself, my sister was with me, but I wasn't about to say that. I let it go. As uncanny it is of me to do that, I did. I just let it go... because right now, I just didn't care. I was here, with my son, and right now that's all that mattered. She can be mad, hurt, and angry, and that's fine. She's entitled to her emotions, but I'm not going to feel bad or guilty about my decision... because I was the one giving birth, and it was my decision to make.

"I just don't think you need to take off work. You don't know if I'll even get released tomorrow. I would hate for you to take off, and I don't go home until Wednesday. Your trip (she's a flight attendant) will be over on Thursday."

She says, "Maybe."

"Well, you can come by and see us before you leave tomorrow if you want."

"Okay."

She kissed us both on our foreheads and left. And for the first time all day, I was finally alone with my son. Now what was I going to do?

How did you feel when you first became a single mom? What was the first thing you did?