As we struggle with codependency, it’s hard to consider that our current partner really just might not be a good match for us. Sure, I believe that many problems can be worked out in a relationship, but only if both partners want to work on them honestly and openly. For the codependent, working it out is usually the favored option because we’re so afraid to be alone. I know that was my problem for a very long time, even though my relationship was quite dysfunctional.
Compatibility matters. It seems in codependent relationships, it’s the initial hardcore attraction that seems to be the sole focus. Outside of that, do you really have a lot in common? Do you feel like you want to really partner? Is there authentic love or just two people trying to fill a void with the other?
I never wanted to “break up” for several reasons. One, I truly thought I loved this person. Two, I didn’t want to be alone. Three, I didn’t want to fail. But the reality was that we were toxic for each other and were not getting better in the relationships. Neither of us was working a 12 Step program. She was busy doing her thing and of course as a codependent, I was waiting around for her twiddling my thumbs.
After we’d been broken up a few months I realized that maybe she just wasn’t really the right partner for me. After all the years of “trying”, we really were just too different on so many levels. Lessons learned, right? Could we have worked it out? I used to think we could because we loved each other, but then I realized we didn’t have much in common at all. Our focus in life was very different. Our dreams were different.
Codependency had me in a relationship I didn’t really want to be in for too long. Sure, I love her. Always will, but like I said, compatibility matters.
Today I can look at the relationship differently. It’s not a failure. Who said two people have to stay together forever? If it’s not working and you’ve tried your best, then give each other a hug and part ways. Take some time to spend with yourself to grow. Learn the lessons that you were meant to learn. Some people actually spend time apart and get back together later down the road- more mature and really ready to make it work. Others realize they weren’t meant for the long haul.
Breaking up is difficult, but you can learn valuable lessons from such. If you’ve broken up, focus on healing and keeping codependency symptoms at bay. If you need support, give Codependent’s Anonymous a try. There you will find support and encouragement. Don’t isolate, but reach out for some friendship and support during your healing time.
There is help for codependency.
Dominica Applegate, M.A., is an Author, Speaker and Coach specializing in codependency and personal development. She offers an eCourse entitled “Overcoming Codependency” and holds workshops regularly. She has a deep passion for discovering and sharing authentic spiritual truth that transforms people from the inside out. She is dedicated to the sacred art of self-discovery, creative expression, and adding value to humanity. Feel free to connect with her at www.dominicaapplegate.com and receive her free eBook, Recycle Pain: It Has a Purpose.