When we are “too close”, whether we are getting along or not … , we can’t see each other. If we can’t see each other, how can we possibly decide if we like each other and feel attraction?
This concept is confusing to most, when we live in a society where relationships struggle and the ideal is based on fairy tales and believing our partner should be our best friend.
This is wrong. We do not want our partner to be our best friend. This places them in the familial category which makes the relationship incestous. It makes sense that the attraction wanes, or doesn’t exist!
But even when we are not getting along, we might be too close for attraction and desire. We might think we are not feeling sexy feelings because we are fighting or are not seeing eye-to-eye. When in truth, we might not be feeling desire, because our energies and needs are enmeshed. This lack of differentiation is detrimental to relationships. It causes too much angst and erosion.
It’s an actual conundrum for partners as they need to experience separateness and differentiation to activate and maintain attraction, desire and passion (this is different from drama!), but need to experience togetherness and security to tolerate separateness and be able to thrive. This is where couples go wrong. They do funny business to juggle this dichotomy.
Due to this contrary nature, when we are psychically invested in meeting our emotional needs we can’t at the same time meet our erotic needs leaving couples to focus on the primary relational tasks of getting along, fighting well, communicating better, feeling closeness and spending fun times together. This assists manage crisis, prevent relational trauma, repair damage, heal wounds, grow-up and joyfully and peacefully “stay on the horse.” For most couples this in and of itself is a life journey through which they get to enjoy a satisfying and intentional relationship.
The problem comes in when the enmeshment and psychic needs are so prevalent that even this foundation is challenging to achieve. The next phase of creating and sustaining desire, passion and eroticism is then inconceivable … Couples would benefit from distinguishing between these two stages of relating and not placing the cart before the horse which only creates more confusion, dissatisfaction and hopelessness.
Whether you are trying to establish a strong and secure structure or get to the next phase, fear not for as long as you are investing in this journey you’ll get results and create the life and relationship you want …
Here is to adding perspective and investing productively:
Closeness, togetherness and security (physical – intellectual – validation): Stand on your own two feet and own only yourself … Mind what you are doing and operate from your strengths. Let your partner do the same without judging or criticizing them.
Separateness and differentiation (psychic – emotional – empathy) - not to be misunderstood as being individualistic and ego driven: Explore uniqueness and tolerance … Learn to self manage and regulate, implement a lot of self care, embrace your uniqueness. Embrace our partner’s uniqueness.
Oneness and synergy (energetic – transcendent, visionary, creative – compassion, altruism): Unleash your Authentic Self and Light … Attune to what makes you happy and feel good in everyday life, your feelings are your guiding mechanism, get in touch with your Mission and get to it. Invite your partner to do the same.
Note these are not mutually exclusive and are fluid in nature. It is helpful to see them as a progressive range or stages (a ramp), and not as concrete steps or levels (a set of stairs). Most couples operate from some overlap of the first two stages, so know you are not alone!
Keep working your ramp and your desire and attraction quotient will skyrocket! Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want. Enjoy more attraction, desire and loving today!
Happy Attraction and Loving!
Copyright (c) 2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship ™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com.