Dear Kim,
I have been with my Narcissistic Partner for four years. He’s been cruel, demeaning, and lies to me left and right. I know he’s not good for me, but I keep hanging on to the nice part of him that I know exists. Aside from being emotionally abusive and irresponsible, he has a sweet, innocent side that I can’t forget. I’m stuck in a cycle of deciding it’s over, then he turns on the charm full blast and hooks me back in every time. Worse, I know he’s been seeing someone, yet I am willing to turn a blind eye to this. Why can’t I leave him?
Crystal
Dear Crystal,
Your story is classic.
Some of what I’m about to share may be hard to read, but the first thing to understand is that people don’t hold any special place in a Narcissist’s heart. While you are hanging on to the honeymoon stage where he love-bombed you and made you special, he simply sees your relationship as a source for his livelihood. What that means is, you are a source of supply.
All the world is a stage to the Narcissist. They are masters at giving the appearance of being in love. All the tender concern and deep conversations you probably had in the beginning of your relationship were simply an under-cover assessment designed to determine if you would be good supply. Since he’s hung around for four years, it seems you fit the bill. Without your telling me, I would bet that you’ve been taken advantage of financially, isolated from your friends and family, and made to feel unworthy…and those deeds are just the tip of the iceberg.
The narcissist partner is remarkably attentive, available, and endearing—as long as he is the one securing the relationship. Once he knows he has you under his spell (and locked-in as a source of supply) the “Loving Boyfriend” mask comes off. There’s no need for him to put on this show anymore, in fact it’s a big effort to put on fake displays of love and emotion.
Now, on to why you can’t leave him.
The Honeymoon Phase
Narcissists spend years honing their fake persona. They are fun, have a great sense of humor, and are the life of the party. Studies have shown that Narcissists are generally more attractive than their counterparts because they dress better, move better, have more attractive facial expressions, and so on. It’s no wonder they have partners available at their beck and call. However, it’s important to remember that what you see with a Narcissist is not what you get.
Once you find yourself receiving the attention of a Narcissist, you feel extra-special. After all, out of all the people they could have chosen, they picked you. Then, he woos you in the most romantic way imaginable. It’s a dream come true…one that quickly turns into a nightmare.
After being made to feel like a Queen, the Narcissist begins making little jabs about your appearance, your personality, even your morals. He starts comparing you to other women. You do everything in your power to maintain the favor you had in the beginning of the relationship. However, you learn there’s nothing you can do to get back on the pedestal, even if everything you do is faultless.
It’s their oldest trick. Thus begins the brainwashing and control over your mind and emotions.
The Dangling Carrot
After a while, you realize your partner couldn’t care less about you. During this phase, you plot ways to leave the relationship…perhaps look for another apartment or ask your partner to leave if the residence belongs to you.
This begins the seductive dangling of carrots. Suddenly, you see the man from the beginning of your relationship. In addition, remember that new car you mentioned a few months ago? He takes you to the dealership to look at cars. Had the two of you discussed marriage? He takes you to look at rings. Did you express your desire for a house at some point? He’s suddenly talking to realtors and bringing you the latest copy of “Homes for Sale”.
Don’t fall for it. He has absolutely no intention of doing these things because it’s part of his brainwashing tactics. When this becomes clear and you call him on it, he’ll resume the character assassinations and lead you to believe it’s all your fault. This is only a scheme to take the blame off of him and make you feel responsible for his destruction of your hopes. You may even fall back into submissive behaviors in order to have a chance of his keeping his false promises. However, this is pointless because he will discard you anyway once he’s secured a new source of supply.
The Other Woman
The fact that he’s seeing another woman has nothing to do with your beauty or attractiveness (or, as he would have you believe, your lack of those attributes). At some point, he realized you were still capable of independent thought and your usefulness fell into decline. Since he likely sucked all of your finances, destroyed your career, and can’t possibly gain more from staying in the relationship, he’s on to his pursuit of another source of supply. Sure, he may say she’s younger, prettier, and has more money, but the truth is, he is only pursuing her because of his potential benefit.
He also derives a high from making you feel you’re not good enough. You deserve better than that.
The Painful Truth
In closing, that “nice part of him that you know exists” was based on lies from the beginning. There is no nice part of him. Save yourself the humiliation of appearing to need him because he really couldn’t care less. He is your enemy now, plain and simple, and any mind crumbs he metes out at this point are solely for his continued benefit until he can leave you for his next victim. See him for the cruel, uncaring, heartless sadist that is the man behind the mask.
Kim Raya is an empowerment blogger whose area of expertise includes helping survivors of narcissistic abuse. In only a few months, she has gained almost 500 followers and has impacted the lives of several. She has influenced people from all over the globe by helping them overcome their limiting beliefs and empowering them to overcome their destructive situation.
Kim has a vast background in the public sector, including Organizational and Employee Development. She holds a Bachelor of Science in Education and is licensed to teach. An interesting fact about Kim is that she started her student teaching in Egypt during the first political uprising there in 2011. You can find Kim at www.letmereach.com.