***Divorcing Destruction: Think Straight and Think Strong

As women, we typically give, and want, more in relationships than men; we want nice homes and solid families, not just some roof over our heads and a bunch of people co-existing together--although that sure would be easier.

Nope; we want constant connection; we want the fairy tale. We are driven to “nest” and we nurture conditionally, we just don’t admit that out loud-but women need to start honoring the conditions nature instilled, because it is women who carry the burden with the disadvantages when things head south. It is women who need more awareness, more sensibility, more resources, more money to exist, and more truth in our lives than men, period.

Many of us spend years with men who will never measure up; never change. We try, beg, plead, ignore behavior, give up desires, and finally accept our sad and lonely little lives, hungry for a sliver of attention or notice to be thrown our way, until we finally can’t take it any more, and then we leave. Most divorces are initiated by the women, there is no surprise there, as the men are usually content with what they have, or figure out a way to make it work for themselves secretly, often at our expense.

The women who throw in the towel are sometimes leaving with a couple or three children under their arms and with surprising determination to make it work alone, because in the relationship, they were already alone. That is often when reality hits them right between the eyes; single moms and careers don’t mix despite what you’ve been told, or how desperately you need one, unless of course you can swing that nanny thing. Hmm. That is a real shocker to most women, who have been led to believe that they can do it all; without family help, expensive nannies, or relying on friends, however, single moms get to be, well, exhausted and taxed single moms scraping by. Who knew?

They end up financially dependent on the men they just left, and then get further trapped by the circumstances of becoming single with kids, while he easily starts over, free from the burdens of what was created together-burdens that limit you from starting over yourself, as you clean up the mess he made. It’s easy to resign, feeling that you are stuck if you stay, and stuck if you go, but don’t give up too soon.

Our own futures, and our children’s, rely on our ability to think strong and think straight; focus on yourself. Focus forward. Our kids depend on us to show them the way alone, and we will touch their souls with efforts part timers have no clue about because they aren’t there. Our kids look to us to learn who to avoid in their own futures so that they don’t have the drama, or the lack of emotionality that we just left, and they learn what not to do through the example we create after leaving. They will learn to navigate the very things we couldn’t handle ourselves as adults, and they will learn it young; can you say tragic? Easy, right? Now say opportunity. Hard to see, but that’s what it is.

We have to remember that the first real gift we give our children comes from leaving a man who mistreats us; it is a very powerful lesson, and a clear message. We can teach something positive from a perspective of loss, or position our leaving as a gain. It doesn’t matter how hard it gets, where you have to live, what you had before, how you can’t keep up with everything, or the fact that you now have no money to fluff them up with the extras that all children should enjoy, beyond a place to live. Women must never stay where there is danger, destructiveness, or pain-not for the kids or for any other reason. If you stay, you jeopardize their physical and emotional health, the development of their psyche, and you compromise their relationship radar-setting them up to see horrible interaction, destructive men, bad relationships, and unheard or disregarded women’s voices as an acceptable norm. “I do” does not mean forever any more; it is, and always should be, utterly conditional for every woman.