How to Survive Your Wife's Emotional Affair and Save Your Marriage

Are you worried that you won't be able to survive an emotional affair?

Is your wife still attached to another man? Does she continue pushing you away and defiling your marriage?

Whether your wife is aware that you know about her emotional affair or not, if she continues to involve herself with another man then it is going to take an immense amount of strength and endurance on your part to save the marriage.

This article is NOT about how to forgive an emotional affair or how to end an emotional affair, it's about how to survive an emotional affair while it's still happening.

As you continue reading, you're going to learn 6 simple steps to ease the pain of your wife's emotional affair. In the past I've had to deal with a woman I loved fall in love with a coworker. I wish I'd known these 6 steps at the time, because even though I still would have left the relationship, they may have helped maintain my sanity. Never quite got all of that back ;-)

First Things First – Take a Deep Breath

There is a huge amount of emotional turbulence that comes with any kind of infidelity. I'm willing to Bet that you've spent hours and hours worrying about your wife, your marriage and what you could have done to prevent her emotional affair.

You're frustrated, you're tired, and you don't know where to turn.

So, stop for a moment…

Get your head out of the muck…

Take a deep breath.

You're still alive. You're not divorced. But you are unhappy.

It's time to talk about you. Because after all, YOU are the only one that you can control.

You do want control of your life again, right? I'm willing to bet you haven't felt that in a while.

You Need a Plan to Survive an Emotional Affair

Moving forward without a plan is foolish. You cannot go into the future blind. Surviving an emotional affair is not something you do by the seat of your pants. You need to develop a plan of action for yourself (not for your wife), and then follow through with it.

What follows is a 6 step plan to survive your wife's emotional affair without going insane with desperation, guilt, anger and depression.

Step 1. Understanding Why She Continues to Want Him

The first step is understanding why your wife cheated. And no, contrary to what she's telling you, it is NOT your fault.

Your wife's emotional affair is now an addiction.

It's not something to be pitied, for she chose to allow herself to fall into it. Nor is it something to be pardoned, for she could at any point choose to bring the problems into the limelight of marriage instead of dealing under the table like a sleaze.

But none of that changes the fact that right now your wife is literally addicted to another man. And like any addiction, an emotional affair will be difficult for her to break free from. And also just like an addiction, the best approach is cold turkey.

Psychologists call this state of romantic addiction "Limerance", and I've written more about it in my article, What Is an Emotional Affair.

The point is, your wife began a relationship with another man because he paid attention to her. However, the reason that she can't stop is because she is unable to let go of how he makes her feel.

Again, I cannot stress enough that this is no excuse, however, it will help you understand what your wife is going through.

Step 2. Don't Be the Victim

This step to survive an emotional affair is perhaps the most important.

Now that you understand why your wife continues to be involved with another man, or why she was involved with him for so long, it's time to let go of the self-pity and self-blame.

You are NOT the reason that your wife cheated!

Even if you weren't being the best husband before her emotional affair, the vows of marriage dictate that all problems be dealt with via the spouse, not via an attractive friend. For her to confide in someone other than you is blatantly unfaithful. Furthermore, it drives a wedge into your relationship. Bf course she will find it easier to talk to a man whose only concern is getting in her pants than a husband who wants to delve into the fire of marriage problems.

In short, it was her decision to flee from the problems in your marriage. It was her irresponsibility, her betrayal, and her unfaithfulness that led to her emotional affair, no matter how accidentally or innocently it began.

No doubt she will tell you that you were cold, or that she felt like she couldn't talk to you, or that she thought the marriage was going downhill anyways, but do not let yourself believe these lies. This is called blame-shifting.

Just like any other addict, your wife will refuse to acknowledge her part in the emotional affair, if she acknowledges the emotional affair at all. The worst thing you can do is play into her denial by allowing yourself to believe that her emotional infidelity is in any way your fault.

And plus, even though it doesn't seem like it now, in the long run your wife will actually be the one who ends up with the most pain because of her emotional infidelity, especially if it costs her the marriage.

Step 3. Stop Being Her 'Safety Net'

An addict won't do anything about their addiction until it hurts more to continue than it does to stop.

That's just the way it is.

By now you're probably feeling a little bit angry. You're probably starting to realize that not only has your wife lied to you about the emotional affair, but she has somehow displaced onto you the blame that should be on her. Not only has she devastated your trust, but she has devastated your confidence.

It's time to put your foot down.

The reason that your wife continues her emotional affair is because you are giving her a safety net. She knows that if she ever falls out of favor with this other man, she always has you to turn back to. She is living without consequences, and she knows it.

This simultaneously pushes her to desire the other man more and takes away her incentive to come back to you.

Stop being her safety net. Let her know that you will not stand to be treated this way (which you won't), and that if she continues her emotional affair then you will leave (which you will). And you have to mean it, too.

I am telling you this man-to-man:

You deserve better than an unfaithful wife.

That's not to say you should abandon your marriage, but until you value yourself enough to draw the line, there is no hope of surviving her emotional affair. In the end, your wife was the one who broke your trust; it's not your responsibility to fix it.

At some point, she will have to prove to you that she is sorry for her sins and that she wants to save your marriage. The longer you remain as her safety net, the longer it will take for that to happen, and the deeper into her affair you allow her to get without any consequences.

This is something I've talked about a lot on Husband Help Haven – The best way to get your wife back is actually to let her go (and stand on your own 2 feet without her). This also applies when learning how to survive an emotional affair.

Step 4. Abandon Fear

Right now that anger you were feeling a little while ago is starting to get mixed up with fear.

You're afraid of being alone, you're afraid of being unhappy, you're afraid of losing your wife and you're afraid of divorce.

But guess what? As of right now…

You ARE alone.

You are NOT happy.

Your wife is already GONE.

And your wife WANTS divorce, because she would rather be with him than with you.

The worst has already happened...There is nothing left to be afraid of.

That's not to say that these things can't change in the future, but relying on the future for your happiness now is foolish and self-defeating.

Remember, you are the only one that you can control. So start taking control now.

Step 5. Recognize What Needs to Happen

One of the other articles in Emotional Affairs 101 is called How to End an Emotional Affair. In it, you will find a series of steps that your wife MUST complete if your marriage is to recover. I highly recommend you read through that article so that you can gain a clear recognition of what needs to happen on your wife's part for your marriage to turn around.

Just waiting around for her to come back to you and then assuming your marriage will recover is not the answer. No matter how much pain you feel right now, the dark depths of your shattered trust for your wife has only begun to show itself.

As I said before, your wife will be the one primarily responsible for fixing this. But even though it's her responsibility to take action and fix it, you can still lead her in how to do so.

Step 6. Your Marriage Can Be Better for It

The last step is a step towards hope.

Even though your marriage may be closer to divorce than it's ever been before, rest assured that if your wife is able to turn a new leaf, and if you are able to forgive her emotional affair, then your future marriage can be better than you've ever experienced.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Either your wife will not repent and you will find happiness on your own, or she will repent and your marriage will be reignited with a primal attraction that's never been present before. Obviously, you probably prefer the latter, but recognize that YOU will be happy either way.

Final Warning: Your Wife Needs to Commit

Before I let you go, I have one final warning for you.

It's normal for your wife to be slow to take the blame for the emotional affair. Just keep moving forward and focus on your end goal.