Few things cause more friction in a relationship than failing to thank others when they have done something for you and failing to apologize to others when you have done something to them.
Giving a heartfelt Power Thank You and Power Apology are the best ways to correct these offenses and do much more.
Give a Power Thank You
1. Thank them for something specific that they did for you (it can also be something they refrained from doing that would have hurt you) – “You stayed with me every night the week after my mother died.”
2. Acknowledge to them the effort it took for them to do it (by saying something like: “I know you didn’t have to do —-” or “I know you went out of your way to do —-”) – “Your plate was already full with your other responsibilities and yet you made and took the time to do that.”
3. Tell them the difference it personally made to you – “That week was hell for me and I’m not sure how or even if I would have made it through, had you not been there to help out.”
Give a Power Apology
1. Say what you did wrong – “I forgot your birthday again for the nth time.”
2. Acknowledge how it hurt, disappointed, upset or even wounded the other person – “You have been telling me that it is a special day that you feel belongs to you, especially since you remember the fuss you late dad made about it for you.”
3. Look them straight in the eye, look for the pain you caused, admit you were wrong to do it and then apologize – “I have no excuses, I was just plain wrong and I am sorry.”
4. Say what you are going to do to correct it to make sure it doesn’t happen again and check with them if they agree or can suggest a better remedy – “I am putting a reminder in my calendar a month before your next birthday and I am going to add ideas as they come to me during the year that I think will show you how special you are to me.”
5. Ask the person you upset how you can make it up to them and then do it – “What can I do now to earn your forgiveness for having messed up again.” (If they continue to act angry or look hurt or don’t respond, don’t dwell on it. Most people cannot give forgiveness on demand).
You can’t use a Power Thank You or Power Apology often enough if they are sincere. What makes them so powerful is that they can often enable the other person to forgive you and let go of a grudge that hurts them as much as it hurts you.
Author's Bio:
Mark Goulston is a psychiatrist, business consultant, executive coach, and a hostage-negotiation trainer for the FBI. A bestselling author whose books include Get Out of Your Own Way and Get Out of Your Own Way at Work, he writes a column on leadership for Fast Company as well as a syndicated column, “Solve Anything with Dr. Mark,” for Tribune Media Services. Frequently called upon to share his expertise with the media, he has been quoted in the Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, and Reuters; has offered commentary on NPR, CNN, and Fox News; and has appeared on the Oprah and Today shows. He lives in Los Angeles, California.
