What You Bring to the Table

During the very first or second date with a new woman, I like to ask a simple question: “What do you bring to the table?” I love that question! I also love hearing it from someone I just met.

Some people take offense to it assuming I should “just know” and “how dare I not know!” That’s ridiculous as you’ll soon learn. The problem comes down to a fundamental issue in dating held over from when your grandparents started dating. Let me explain:

Dating in the Time of Polio and Smallpox

These two diseases are very rare today. They were all but eradicated before the 1970’s. Why then, should dating and relationship “advice” from that period continue to survive? It’s a new millennium with new rules. Your grandparents (and likely your parents too) used a bunch of tools that simply don’t work today. Things like playing “hard to get”, “the chase” and believing that your value should just be assumed should have gone the way of these diseases but instead, they linger – particularly among women.

Back 50+ years ago women were protected and cared for. That concept led to another that is gone (thanks feminism!) called “wooing”. The idea was to create attraction because value was assumed – and then proven. Women took pride in being female and doing feminine things. They didn’t compete directly with men and good women were coveted.

Today, there are more single women than men. Of the available guys, there are fewer “high value males” around (sorry guys, it’s true!) This has limited the dating pool for women rather dramatically. I constantly hear from women, “There are no more real men around today”. These women aren’t far from right. I’m doing what I can to build better men, but I’m only one guy!

Unfortunately, the dating techniques most women are using today are simply obsolete. That “assumed value” thing is gone – and has been for quite some time. It’s time to update your skills, strategies and techniques if you are interested in finding and keeping a great guy!

It’s a Matter of Marketing

Today, it’s become critical for women to learn to market themselves. Men have always done this by the way although with mixed success but far too many women sit back comfortably – and dateless – with an attitude of entitlement. They just assume they should have great men around them with no effort on their part. When these men show up, they don’t stay. They find the next “shiny object” and move on. Women are quick to blame men for this when in fact; it’s that these women either don’t bring value or don’t know how to communicate it.

When I ask my date, “So, what do you bring to the table?” I’m actually giving her a chance to sell me. I’m asking her; from her own perspective, what makes her unique and special. I ask her because I really want to know! I’m not willing to just assume what her value is. I’m giving her the chance to tell me.

Unfortunately, the #1 answer I get is this: “Well, I dunno…I guess I’m pretty and I’m smart”.

Wow. Really? That’s it? Do you think that separates you from all the other great girls out there? I live here in Southern California where you can’t throw a rock without hitting a smart, pretty girl! If that’s all she thinks her own value is, maybe I should listen to her?
On the other hand, when a woman asks me that same question I have a real, solid answer for her. I know what my value is – and I can express it clearly and enthusiastically. After all, if I didn’t know then who would?

This is a matter of marketing, pure and simple. Any woman that knows her own value (and thus, my benefit) will be able to easily communicate it. That is one impressive woman – and someone I just have to get to know better.

Features, Values and Benefits

Advertisers, marketers and salespeople know the difference between features, values and benefits. They work to express those to you every day when you watch TV, drive down the highway, open a newspaper or view a webpage. They are all trying to express to you why you should buy, use and love their product.

How about you? Are you doing that too?

Remember the old ads for computers? Newspapers and magazines used to be filled with ads showing how much RAM, how fast the CPU and how big the hard disk was. This was a very poor form of marketing because it only dealt with features – the least-effective type of selling there is.

Today, when I review online profiles for my clients, they are rife with feature-based selling; particularly with women. They say how tall they are, where they were born, what they like to read, how long they’ve been divorced – and then go on to warn any potential responder just why they shouldn’t contact them with a list of “do not” features!

Features, features and more features. Not a single value (let alone benefit) to be found anywhere!

Now, imagine modern-day computer ads.

They no longer list how much RAM you’re buying. Sure, you can get that information by checking out the website if you like, but in reality, they’ve come to realize that values and benefits are key.

Take Apple for instance. They started using the image of “big brother” (from their 1984 Super Bowl spot) which then became the slogan “Think Different” a number of years ago. This then became the “I’m a Mac and I’m a PC” ads and now has evolved to “Why you’ll love the Mac”.

No bits, bytes, RAM, ROM or CPU to be found. Apple got the message. Have you? They are now talking about things like “different” and “love”. How about you?
How exactly do you do this? Let’s look at the four steps:

STEP 1: Know your Market
Who is your “target market”? What do they want? Do you know? Most women today don’t. They continue to be fed a steady stream of obsolete techniques and ridiculous beliefs that has me and many of my male brethren just shaking our heads.

If you want to learn to market effectively, you’d better know your customers – who they are, where they are, what they want and why!

STEP 2: Know your Brand
What makes you unique and special? Trust me, there are tons of things that make you stand out. These aren’t features however. Sure, you’re pretty and you’re smart, but that doesn’t make you unique.

When you know what your target market wants/needs and are able to deliver it in a clear, specific way that is value worth expressing! Your market wants to know what makes you special. Only you can decide what that is.

STEP 3: Communicate Your Values to the Other Person’s Benefits
Next, figure out how that works for your market. How do they benefit? Why would they continue to work hard to make you happy? Learn to express those values in terms of how the other person benefits – and even in their own language if you can. Constantly think “they” and “them” rather and “I” and “me”.

STEP 4: Reap the Rewards!
Anyone; man or woman that can do these things is an amazing individual that deserves attention. It’s impressive without being pompous or arrogant. This is the type of person that causes others to strive to give their best – because you know you deserve it.
Isn’t that the sort of relationship you’d love to be in?

Bottom Line
In today’s competitive dating/sex/relationship market it’s critical to drop the “entitlement mentality” and adopt the “marketing mentality”. Doing that will ensure that you have your pick of valuable, datable partners and those people will know and understand your values. Being able to market yourself well creates huge, obvious benefit for the person you’re with. It becomes very difficult to see any other shiny object when the one you have in your hand shines so brightly.

So, Think Different!

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com/contact.aspx.

Copyright (c) 2013, Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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