Pregnancy, Childbirth & Relationships

You've just given birth to the most precious gift imaginable. This gift will portend the future of the world. Certainly you hope this precious gift child will have a life filled with excitement, wonder, and happiness. But what if the excitement and wonder bring this child a world of unhappiness, fear, and confusion?

You and your partner are the first and most important teachers and models for your child of wonder. What if your child learns anger, frustration, mistrust, jealousy, hurt, and pain? What if your child learns to communicate by screaming and demanding and cursing and slamming doors, dishes, and whatever else is not tied down? What if your child learns to respond by not responding? Think about it...your words and actions (or inaction and lack of words) is what shapes their view of life and the world. Doesn't it make sense to insure that your world...that of you and your partner...is a model of cooperation, communication, understanding, compassion, listening and learning, growing as one, and as two, and more, intimacy, wonder and happiness? It is never too soon to seek counseling to help create that positive model for you, your partner, and your child.

You should be keenly aware that since the '70's, roughly 50% of all marriages fail and that a large portion of these failures occur within the first 3 years of the birth of a child. Typically, mom is left alone to fend for herself and raise her child. She becomes the primary model for her child's future. How do you think this child will fare if its formative first few years are witness to the anger, frustration, and battles of divorce? The average divorcing couple with child spends anywhere from $6,000 to $30,000 just on the divorce. Within 5 years, they have spent an additional $5,000 to $25,000 on post divorce court battles. Throughout, they bicker and battle and blame and challenge each other to such an extent that focus on the life model for the child is completely lost and the child learns everything that is negative about relating and relationships and little to nothing of what can be positive..

Some studies have indicated that 85% of these divorces could have been prevented had counseling been sought early on, even before trouble first began to appear. The prevailing thought in relationships is that you seek counseling only when your situation becomes so dire that there seems no other way to help it. The reality is quite different. Counseling should not be looked at as a cure. It should be seen as a preventative. Far too many couples have one or both partners who grew up in homes where the relationship model was mildly to severely dysfunctional. That is the strongest reason I can offer to seek prevention of failure rather than wait until a "cure" is needed.

It should come as little surprise that the dynamic of a relationship changes dramatically during the nine months of a woman’s pregnancy and over the next year and on post birth. It should come as no surprise yet, repeatedly, it does for so many couples. This is particularly prevalent in the male partner. No longer is the male the woman’s primary focus. Where once she did everything possible to lavish love and affection, attentiveness to his needs, wants, and desires now all that focus and energy shifts to her newborn and wholly dependent child. The new dad now becomes number two in her life. He also becomes a dad… a role he has never played so it is new, and frighteningly so, as it brings with it responsibilities likely not realized and adequately explained at any prior point in his life. Much like the new mom, everything up until the pregnancy and birth was more fantasy than reality. Now it is real and the numerous changes it brings to relationships are very real. The changes are so varied, so dramatic and life altering, that scarce little can be clearly demonstrated in a brief article such as this. Yet, forehand preparation will make these transitions less scary… less overwhelming… and less ego shattering. In fact, preparing for this time in a relationship will more than likely strengthen rather than harm the relationship.

Counseling is only a part of the process for learning and preparing yourselves for this wonderful experience of birth and the raising of your special gift. Doulas offer enormous resource for the pregnant mother to be and her partner. Midwives and Lamaze instructors are also tremendous resources for dispelling myths, fears, and frustrations.

There are many other issues which affect a relationship in the first few years. Learning about them, recognizing any dysfunctions in your own birth to adult history, and exploring the resources and counseling options for addressing them are among the healthiest things you and your partner can do…not just for yourselves but for your precious gift to the world… and the world.

www.lamaze.org
www.dona.org/
http://mana.org/