A low self-esteem might push you to impress your dates and “potential others” by being “too nice”, “too accommodating”, “too easygoing” and so on, whether when you post your profile on social media or when you meet new people face-to-face. Even though you might be going on endless dates, as long as you don’t work on your self-esteem you will fail time and again. The reason is simple: having a low self-esteem pushes you to be too needy; too compromising; being willing to “be there” for your partner (or prospective one) as much as you can, not realizing that by doing so you let yourself be abused.
They met for the first time at a restaurant. Hours before she changed her cloths non-stop, standing in front of the mirror and contemplating in what colors she looks the best. She remembered reading somewhere that wearing black makes you look skiner, so that’s what she decided to put on. And then, at the restaurant, she ordered only a starter, claiming she isn’t hungry, in order to pretend she is keeping her weight down, so that he won’t think she eats like a pig (which she always did!). She hoped that with the black dress and her disciplinary eating he won’t pay attention to her round body.
You hear such stories time and again. About people pretending to be not who they are. You see it on social media as well. But then, if friends of yours experience similar stories, or if it happens to you, you realize that as much as you pretend to be not who you are, “something” goes wrong, the date doesn’t materialize into a relationship, or even if it does it doesn’t last long - and once again you find yourself alone.
Often, this “something” is a low self-esteem, which pushes you to impress your dates with untruthful facts about yourself. And even though you go on one date after another, or read numerous tips about how to date, what you don’t realize is that as long as you will not be working on your self-esteem you will fail time and again.
The reason is simple: having a low self-esteem pushes you to be too needy; too compromising; being willing to “be there” for your partner (or prospective one) as much as you can, not realizing that by doing so you let yourself be abused.
It isn’t easy to walk around with a low self-esteem. It makes you feel bad about yourself, about your failures in life, about your ongoing issues which seem to prolong for ages. And it isn’t easy to work on your self-esteem and find ways to feel better about yourself. But in order to become empowered to (finally) have a healthy relationship, working on your self-esteem is probably the only way to heal, feel better about “who you are” and meet potential partners feeling better about “who you are”. It is then that you have better chances at meeting someone with whom you’ll succeed to develop a satisfying intimacy.
It might take courage to work on your self-esteem. Even though you might know that you are insecure, that you have a low self-image of yourself, that you tend to jump into relationships with others who are not suitable for you just so that you won’t be alone, you might still hesitate to embark on such work: the thought that you have to confront your issues head-on; that you will encounter parts of yourself that so far you have preferred to deny and ignore; that you will face yourself in the mirror “the way you really are” – all these are scary.
Yet, if you have been trying for a long time to develop a healthy and satisfying relationship and didn’t succeed, and if you are honest enough with yourself to acknowledge the fact that your low self-esteem might be what hinders you from having such a relationship, the best you can do for yourself is begin working on improving your self-esteem.
How can you do so? By seeing a psychologist, a counselor, a therapist – there are many who can help you. And as long as you find the right person to work with, and as long as you are motivated to work on your issues, you’ll probably need only a few sessions to stand on your feet, feel better about yourself and empowered to re-enter the dating scene with an empowered self-image.
Don’t you owe it to yourself?
Doron Gil, Ph.D., an expert on Self-Awareness and Relationships, has a 30 year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counselor and consultant. He has taught classes on Self-Awareness and Relationships to thousands of students, lectured widely on these and related topics at conferences world-wide, gave workshops on the subject and is the author of: “The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship: Understanding Why You Fail in Your Relationships Over and Over Again and Learning How to Stop it!” Available as eBook and paperback:
http://www.amazon.com/Self-Awareness-Guide-Successful-Intimate-Relations...