When you have something important to share with your sweetie, but feel like all you want to do is blame him (or her) here is exactly what you need to move forward.
Take these 4 steps with ease:
1. Take 5-10 minutes to journal what you are upset about (don't skip this very important step!)
2. Re-read what you wrote and highlight every "you" or "s/he" and change them to "I" (this is called "the turn-a-round" according to Byron Katie's The Work)
3. Look over the "I" statements and find nuggets of truth (leave the rest)
4. Take the following 4 steps to insure conscious communication so you and your partner are in the right space to share and listen:
~ Choose the right time for 'you' to have a conversation ~ Ask your partner if s/he is willing to talk at that time ~ Be willing to hear 'no' and ask for a better time ~ Schedule the conversation and agree to an ending time
You'll want to take the steps above to heart and please share them with your partner. The idea here is that you don't blame or shame your partner and s/he doesn't do that to you!
It feels terrible to be on the receiving end of someone else's blaming! "Well everything's ruined and I'm upset because of YOU!" "I'm disappointed because you did this and you did that...and you made me...and on and on and on..." We've all heard those words before. Sadly. And have those conversations been productive? Have they been loving?
If you are ready to free yourself and your relationship and stop playing the "Blame Shame Game" -- it's time to choose another way! And now you know how.
You and your partner are on your way to deeper love already! Congratulations!
TANTRA TIP: Find cushions or chairs to sit together facing each other. Close your eyes and take some deep breaths down into your bellies. Coordinate your breath for a few minutes so that you are breathing in and out at the same time, at the same pace. Open your eyes and look deeply at each other. Allow your eyes to see beyond your partner's face and into their heart. Continue that for another 1-2 minutes.
Now make an agreement: one person will share at a time and the listener will reflect back what s/he heard...bit by bit. Slowly....switching speakers as needed. This is an opportunity to share your "I" statements with your partner. Every time you hear yourself saying "you" to him/her, you'll pause, and "do it over!"
I recommend you limit your conversation to 1 hour max.
Robyn Vogel, MA, LMHC, is an intimacy coach who serves the community by offering Tantra-infused counseling to couples, individuals and groups. For 20+ years, she has been supporting others in creating more love in their lives. She has been trained in several body-oriented modalities which support her spiritual approach to healing and her deep connection to this work: Reiki energy healing, Chakra-balancing, Internal Family Systems, yoga therapy, EMDR,and family mediation. Find out more at http://www.SacredTantricFire.com.