Retirement Living: Are You Guilty of the Need to be Needed?

If you have a tendency to put others before your needs, you may want to learn how to put yourself at the top of your list. This doesn’t mean you don’t still care about other people. It means you value yourself as much as you care about everyone else.

A friend is planning the first few months of her upcoming retirement. A new grandchild is going go arrive a few months after she retires. She is negotiating with her son to stay with them for a few weeks to keep her two-year-old grandson occupied so mom can focus on the new baby. She is excited about be a new grandma, as she should. She is looking forward to spending time with her family, especially her grandchildren. As my friend was telling about her plans, she concluded with, “It’s important for me to feel needed.”

An important ingredient for a satisfying retirement life is to believe you have meaning. Meaning is created by being involved in something larger than yourself. It’s important to determine the fine line between getting involved in activities where you are helpful and having your identity defined by being needed.

If you’re concerned the need to be needed dictates your life, answer the following questions:

1. Do you feel responsible for other people’s feelings, thoughts, behavior, wants, needs and well-being?
2. Do you feel obliged to help people solve their problems?
3. Do you anticipate other’s needs?
4. Do you feel more comfortable giving than receiving?
5. Do you make commitments to do things you don’t want to do?
6. Do you feel guilty about things outside your control?
7. Does your self-worth come from helping others?
8. Do you worry about unimportant things?
9. Is it difficult for you to ask for what you need?
10. Do you have a difficult time having fun?

Living through and for other people can be an easy trap to fall into at anytime in your life. If you don’t have a plan for life after retirement, it’s easy to allow family and friends to take over. You can get lost in the process.

If you have a tendency to put others before your needs, you may want to learn how to put yourself at the top of your list. This doesn’t mean you don’t still care about other people. It means you value yourself as much as you care about everyone else.

Commit to a regiment of self-care. Look at your time, energy, resources, to evaluate where you let others take over. Schedule a mini retreat for a day. You can do it at home if you will not answer the phone, emails, or the door for the whole day. If you can’t do that, take the time to go to a hotel, or even a secluded beach or park.

Take an inventory of yourself. Do you take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually? Do you have retirement activities for your own enjoyment? Do you take time for yourself or is your time spent looking after others?

Make a list of the things that drain you? Make another list of the things that energize you? Next, look at how much of your time is spent involved in activities that drain you versus the time in those things that energize you.

Start by creating an action plan of simple things you can do to take care of yourself. Choose one easy thing to do every day. As you build on your success, you can expand into more difficult areas.

You might think that putting others first is primary a concern for older women. But men over 50 can also fall into this trap. If you’ve spent your life meeting the financial needs of your family, it’s easy to continue to want to be needed.

Successful retirement living involves taking care of yourself first. Create an active retirement, but also allow for times to be still. Remember that flight attendants advise you to put the oxygen mask on your face first. You can’t take care of others, if you haven’t learned to take care of yourself.