The Heart of Forgiveness

Leadership Education Action Programs (LEAP) presents
The Heart in Forgiveness©

Part I –The Case for Healing through Forgiveness

Recall the last time you experienced yourself feeling angry, hurt or resentful because someone offended, betrayed or deceived you? Are you experiencing those feelings now about some past or present situation? The moment we perceive we have been injured we start to build resentments; and our attention and focus zero in on the problem. When we perceive it is not safe to trust someone or there is something to be lost, we quickly learn to conceal our true feelings and go into unhealthy reaction. Over time, we gradually lose sight of our authentic selves and the cost to our relationships is extreme.

Fear and love are two of our strongest emotions. When we are in fear we cannot fully express or respond to love or be in faith. For most of us, to reignite our passion, purpose and potential we must be willing to cross the bridge of forgiveness. First, let’s look at the price of hiding our true feelings, reacting in ways that hurt others and diminish ourselves. When these resentments build up, we often tend to react in three negative ways.

The Negative -3RRR Process

Resentments

When someone repeatedly does something to hurt or wound us it erodes our trust and we readily become resentful. We also build up resentments when we are unable or unwilling to set or maintain healthy, appropriate boundaries in relationships. When others overstep these boundaries and we do not exert our personal power and take responsibility to correct them, we usually become angry, hold it in and fill up our bag of resentments. When we continue to hold our feelings in, we eventually either explode like a volcano over some incidental issue or implode (exploding inward) with physical problems or illness. When we explode, others around us, including the offender, wonder what just happened, as our reaction in that moment is so over-the-top that it typically does not fit the crime. When we implode, our ailments usually incapacitate us, compromise our immune system and otherwise cause us anxiety, misery and pain.

Fear is the distance between the thought and the action. As soon as we dare to take the action necessary to face our fears and resolve the conflicts and issues that have caused us to be resentful, we dissolve our fears in that very moment.

The healthy way to deal with negative experiences is to set clear boundaries; hold ourselves and others accountable and communicate honestly and respectfully when our boundaries are violated. In most situations, honest, straightforward communication usually resolves the problems.

Resistance

In relationships in which communication is compromised, there is a real or perceived injury, a difference in power or authority or there is a potential for loss, we often feel obliged or compelled to do things that we don’t want to do or feel good about doing. We then start to withhold, retreat, sabotage ourselves and others, or otherwise undermine the integrity of the relationship in one way or another. In this process we begin to build a wall of resistance, “which protects us but unfortunately shuts others out at the same time. The problem in this is what we resist persists! And in every instance everybody loses. This is true at home or at work, with our spouses, our children, our friends, our bosses, our employees or our colleagues.

Revenge

By the time we have unresolved conflicts that have reached the intensity and energy of “getting revenge”; we have almost reached the point of no return. “We hurt so much, we have to change”, we get out of the relationship, or we lose all hope and all sense of our true selves when we remain or feel trapped in a relationship that is compromised and feels unsafe. When someone has offended, wounded or betrayed us, it may feel really good to reap “sweet revenge” in the moment; and we may feel altogether justified and righteously indignant, but there is a heavy price to pay. When we intentionally do or say something to hurt or injure another, it is never truly sweet but instead bitter and ultimately toxic to our health and well being and that of others. We make ourselves and others miserable in our hostility and our pain.

So now let’s take a look at how we can begin to release and let go of the negative baggage, responsibly resolve conflicts and reignite the joy and passion in ourselves and in our relationships.

What is forgiveness?

Webster’s dictionary defines forgiveness as: to excuse for a fault or offense; give a pardon. Forgiveness is truly an act of grace, an act of mercy toward someone who has criticized or wounded us in some way, taken something from us, violated a boundary or our trust, betrayed us, exploited us, or perhaps physically or sexually abused us. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves.

“He who cannot forgive others destroys the bridge over which he himself must pass” – George Herbert

Just as we will be the recipient of injury and deceit at some point in our lifetime, we must recognize that we will all hurt or betray someone along this very same road and in this, each of us will have the occasion to seek the gift and grace of forgiveness. We must then ask ourselves, do we remain in the -3RRR (resentments, resistance, revenge) or do we cross the bridge of forgiveness for the benefit of ourselves and others? We must have the courage to acknowledge the insult, the injury, take responsibility for our actions, demonstrate intentional correction and not only ask forgiveness for our offensive actions towards others, but ask forgiveness for ourselves.

In the 3RRR (reflection, responsibility, recalibration) Letter described below, you will be guided through a reflective exercise to recognize and release the feelings of anger, sadness, hurt, fear, anxiety, and sorrow that get in the way of expressing and receiving love. It is only when our hearts are truly open that we can engage others authentically and lovingly.

What Forgiving is Not

Before unwrapping the gift of forgiveness it is important to be clear as to what it is not. Forgiveness does not make the offender right. Nor does it mean that we must now put our trust in the offender or continue an unhealthy relationship. It does not mean that the offender is off the hook for legal, social or the relational consequences of his or her actions. You might ask, “What if the offender takes no responsibility, shows no remorse, and never apologizes? What if the offender finds ‘religion’ and asks for forgiveness; am I to give it when they trampled on my heart, stole the innocence of a child or performed some other egregious act?

Forgiveness is the Key

The very act of forgiveness is the key to unlocking the bitterness, resentment, guilt and misery in ourselves and those around us. The walls we build to protect us from further injury are the very walls that keep anything and everyone out and imprison us in a ‘yesterday’ filled with the same resentments, anger, and indignity we felt at the time of the betrayal. This shuts out any possibility of a different future.
As long as we are unforgiving we remain ‘chained’ to the offense and the offender. Our resentment, our bitterness, our shame, and guilt rob us not only of our power and our sleep, but our hope and our peace. These feelings and emotions seep into and contaminate our relationships. They condemn us and those around us to a life of tangible discomfort. At some point these toxic emotions manifest in our bodies, compromise our health and sabotage our relationships.

The Value in Forgiving

So what is the value of forgiveness? The act of forgiving is one of the most liberating gifts we give ourselves. Somebody else may have intentionally or unintentionally hurt us, yet we alone have the power to forgive. So when we remain focused on the offense, the sense of betrayal and the pain that was evoked as a result of the injury begin to color and distort our perceptions of ourselves and our relationships. Nothing can be said or done to undo or rewrite the past. What we can do is refocus, rebuild, and redesign a different future, based on the decisions and choices we make today.

The Choice to Forgive

The 3RRR Letter gives us an opportunity to let go of negative feelings, to release ourselves from the chains of pain, bitterness and misery, to recognize where we are and clears the way for us to reconnect with our authentic selves and return to love. Though this process takes us across the bridge of forgiveness, it does not require us to share this letter with the person who hurt or wounded us in order to experience the gift of forgiveness. Forgiveness allows us to regain the ‘present’ in order to design a different future filled with joy and passion.

How do we forgive? What if the offender is a family member, husband, wife or child? What if the offender is in prison or dead? What if others readily forgive the offender and we aren’t prepared to do the same? What if he or she remains in denial, doesn’t take responsibility, minimizes his or her actions or refuses to apologize? What if we were the one to let someone down, violate a boundary, betray a trust, deceive another? What if we committed a shameful or egregious act? What if we can’t get past the other’s part in the deception? What if we don’t have the courage to apologize or the victim in the situation does not want to hear it?

Regardless of the offense and whether the offender is someone you know, a stranger or yourself, the act of forgiveness is a conscious choice and the first step in the process toward healing the wounds of betrayal. Too often we think it is the last step, following years of nursing our sorrows or working through the bitterness, misery or pain in therapy. We think it is then that we are ready to forgive. In actuality, the moment we decide to forgive is the moment that all manner of healing can begin.

This doesn’t mean that we immediately put our trust in the offender, sweep the matter under the rug or remain in relationships that are hurtful. Forgiveness gives us courage to reflect on the actions and events that brought about the injury. It allows us to recognize and assign appropriate responsibility where it belongs and it presents us with the opportunity to reclaim our power and to create a different future.

Part II - The Process of the 3RRR Letter

3RRR Letter – Reflection, Responsibility and Recalibration

Forgiveness starts with acknowledging (Reflection) what happened to us or what we did to another. It begins with validating the full breadth of our current feelings regarding the events or acts; and it reclaims to ourselves the personal power we ‘gave up’ in defining ourselves as a victim. Letting go of the role of a victim allows us to redefine ourselves and our future. For many, letting go is more difficult than it might seem to be as this requires us to be responsible, not for the offensive act or someone else’s behavior, but for how we have defined ourselves and our world from that event forward, regardless of what happened (Responsibility). It is only when we take responsibility for the decisions and choices we have made about ourselves and others since being victimized, that we have the power to change or recalibrate our future (Recalibration).

Remember forgiveness is not about minimizing, condoning, or dulling the sharp blade of injury. It is about stating clearly what happened, taking responsible action for ourselves and seeking the nurturance and support necessary to rebuild our future. In the process of fully acknowledging what happened to us or what we did to another, we confront our demons, expose the truth and separate the events and our actions from who we are authentically. We can then begin to identify and validate our feelings about these events; recognize where we are right now and with reclaimed personal power, set healthy boundaries and limits and appropriate consequences for the offense.

In an interview from the show ‘Sexually Abused Women Come Forward’ Oprah said, “The best definition of forgiveness I ever heard is giving up the hope that the past could be any different. I love that definition because it doesn’t mean that you then have to have that person back into your life. Forgiveness does not mean; I now want to have them over for dinner. It just means that I will no longer be tied to the past.”

When you have completed this letter you will be more equipped to make positive choices, take the actions that are in integrity with what you say you want. Learning to use the LEAP Playing to Win™ Chart as a tool, on a daily basis allows you to constantly recalibrate your attitude and actions from that of being ‘in reaction’ to being in response and resolution. To access go to www.leaptoexcellence.com

You may need to forgive an abusive childhood, wounds from a past relationship or open up and improve the communication in a current relationship. When we get upset about something we generally do one of two things; repeatedly mull over our thoughts and feelings in our heads and get stuck in cul de sac thinking or turn to those closest to us to seek validation or resolution; however our family and friends tend to endorse us in remaining a victim of circumstances or lose patience with us after hearing the story again and again. Neither way of handling our unresolved conflicts is effective or produces a positive end result.

Writing a 3 RRR Letter

So find a private spot and set aside an hour of uninterrupted time to write the letter. Express your negative feelings of anger/indignation, sadness/hurt, and fear/anxiety. It is important to give full recognition and full reflection to your emotionally charged feelings. Women often cannot tap into their feelings of anger and indignation prior to fully expressing their fear and sadness. Men on the other hand, can readily express their anger and judgments, however, have more difficulty expressing and emptying out their sadness and fear. Address the negative emotions that are nearer the surface first, and then tackle the deeper, more difficult ones.

Once you have completely emptied out or cleared away the highly charged negative feelings, then move on to feelings of regret and sorrow and finally, any expressions of empathy, compassion and love that you have, had or had wanted. This process allows you to acknowledge, recognize, and fully release the negative feelings, not just siphon them off, in order to clear the channels, recalibrate and reopen your heart. Remember the purpose of this process is to liberate you from a self imposed prison of pain and anxiety. It is in no way intended to set you up for further injury.

3RRR Letter Guidelines:

1. Address the letter to the offender (Dear …). Express all the negative feelings that you recognize first and then take a deeper look at some of the more powerful feelings that you may not want to acknowledge. Do not censor your language or edit you expressions.

2. When you have completely addressed your feelings of anger/indignation, sadness/hurt, fear/anxiety, and regret/sorrow, then move on to any feelings and thoughts of compassion, empathy and love that you may be willing to express. Now these may be extremely difficult to get to when someone you love has betrayed you, as your expectations for them are usually much higher than they are for someone you hardly know. As a result you are likely to have much more pain, sorrow and indignation.

3. When the offender is someone you didn’t know you may not be aware of any feelings of empathy for the offender. However, if you can begin to recognize the difference between the person committing the offense and the offensive act itself, then you can begin to release the hold that the negative feelings have on you.

4. Keep it simple. When we are emotionally charged, we tend to use single syllable words such as mad, sad, bad, been had, and glad. If you notice that you are going on and on, it is likely that you are caught in cul-de-sac thinking or circumstances rather than recognizing and expressing out your feelings.

5. After each section, pause, notice whether you still have some residual feelings, if not then move on to the next set of emotions to release. Also note that some feelings may not ring true for you in any one section. As we are all different, we will all respond differently and have different thoughts, feelings and reactions. Work with what fits for you.

6. Do not stop writing your letter until you get to expressions of empathy, compassion and love. It is important to stay in the process until you at least write some expression of empathic regard. Remember if you have tremendous heartache or outrage, it is because you have deeply trusted, loved or cared for someone and/or your expectations of others were seriously compromised. It is recommended that you read the letter out loud to somebody you trust before destroying it. When you have completed the process, set the letter aside for a day or two, then return to it for review before writing the second letter.

? Anger/indignation

? Sadness/hurt

? Fear/anxiety

? Regret/sorrow

? Empathy/love

Part III - Writing a Positive +3RRR Response Letter:

Once you have written the 3RRR letter expressing those feeling you had been holding back. It is recommended you consider burning or shredding the parts of it that express any negativity or pain. Again the exercise is for you and does not require you to actually give the offender the letter. The next step in the recalibration and forgiveness process is to write a +3RRR Response Letter. Don’t skip this second letter; it may be the most powerful part of the process. Most of us can tell anyone who will listen what we don’t want, it is important in the second letter to just focus on what you do want. When you clearly declare what you want two things happen: your choices and actions begin to support what you want; and the feedback from others will then provide you with the information you need to move forward.

In this letter you start with Dear _______ (your name) – this letter to you is about all the things you want(ed) to hear from the other person. You can write anything you would have wanted to hear or want to hear from the offender, or anyone else in your life, past or present, such as your mother, father, partner, even God. Lovingly write to another telling them what you want(ed) and what matters to you. This gives you the opportunity to set a clear intention for yourself right now and will assist you in staying on course when navigating through any future storms.

Return to Love

Forgiveness is not a single act of courage, but an ongoing act of grace, a process to be revisited and ‘presented’ again and again. The 3RRR Letter is a navigational tool, to validate and clarify your thoughts and feelings (reflection), to consciously make healthy choices to live in forgiveness (responsibility) and to make positive shifts in your behaviors/attitudes and actions (recalibration). Though forgiving is easier said then done, through your willingness to cross the bridge of forgiveness, you unlock the door to your heart, reignite your passion, purpose and potential, and return to love.