Do you want to break free of old, repeated habits? Have a better life? Lose weight, fear, anger, and loneliness? Then listen to what is behind those habits! This simple process can change pain into solutions in minutes. You can do it!
I learned to do this from my own life experiences. I discovered that behind every one of my problems were very real and healthy needs! I found that my pain was simply an unmet need, whether physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual. The solution? I simply found the need and met it in a healthy way!
Here is the process.
1. Look at the behavior you want to change.
2. Allow yourself to feel the uncomfortable emotion that the behavior masks.
3. Let that feeling tell you about the unmet need behind it.
4. Find the means or method to meet that need in a healthy way.
Like a red light on our dashboards, our uncomfortable feelings can clue us in to our unmet needs. Yet our childhood programs of shame and judgment about them may hide our feelings and needs from us. So we need to have the courage, willingness, and compassion to feel our unmet needs. Then we must learn how to meet them!
See if you can find the unmet needs in the following stories.
A man we will call Jerry had a strong compulsion for ice cream one night. “Why so strong?” he wondered. Could eating the ice cream be an escape from uncomfortable feelings inside? He guessed there was an emotional need behind it, but what was it? Before getting a great big bowl of ice cream, he sat down for a few minutes with pen and paper because he liked to write. Could he play detective and find his hidden, unmet need?
He focused on his feelings. He was agitated and angry ever since his friend Ian told him that his mother was very ill. Jerry’s own mother had been sick when he was a child and eventually died of cancer when he was 10 years old.
Jerry wrote out his feelings that he had buried deep inside as a child. He was angry that she had left, and he missed her. His pen flew across the page as he poured it all out. He cried and gave compassion to that little boy of 10. Then he breathed deeply and was flooded with serenity. Ice cream forgotten, Jerry had met his need for compassion by acknowledging his feelings and comforting his loneliness.
In another story, Ann was tempted to return to a man who had abused her. She discovered her fear and insecurity. “I just want someone to take care of me, to always be there!” she thought. She then knew that her need was to feel secure, to feel confident that she would be okay. She recommitted to deepening her relationship with a Higher Power. Then she worked with the Higher Power to take care of herself, financially and emotionally. Now she is very happy inside and is no longer desperate for a man in her life.
Pam’s story involved weight loss. “Why am I gaining weight?” she wondered. “I am active and eat no fat at all. I do crave carbohydrates. I am out of control and scared!” Pam had four children and was very good at being on top of everything—managing details, giving advice, and being a wife and mother. She was super in control of her role as a mother, almost to the point of being overvigilant.
What was out of control was her eating. She found an angry voice inside saying, “I need a break from all this regimen! You have to be perfect, like Mom! You won’t let me off the hook! It’s too much! I’m rebelling! I’ve had enough of your control!”
As a child, Pam had a demanding mother. She was the oldest child of five, and she got approval and love for being a capable help to her mother with the younger children. She unknowingly got hooked on that approval early on. Now she had an “inner mother” part of her that kept her on the treadmill. To counter this, there was also an “inner child” that was in control of her appetite!
Pam tearfully agreed that she was ready to let herself off the hook. She realized that peace and health were too great a price to pay for perfection and that she was as valuable as those she cared for.
Whenever she was tempted to micromanage her kids or forego sleep to finish the laundry (while eating chips to stay awake), she learned to take a breath and say to herself, “You don’t have to do this. I love you and want you to sleep when you’re tired.”
She kept a weekly date with her husband. When she felt the need to talk, she walked on the beach with her girlfriend. She spent a little quiet time by herself every day (if only in the bathtub!) to check in with her feelings and needs. She also loves gardening and found a way to make that a family activity. She found that letting her children help was more important than having it done perfectly. So what if the bedspreads were askew? She found out that if she forgot to buy milk at the store, her family survived anyway!
Pam began to feel like a new person. She felt loved and important. Her husband and children liked their new happy wife and mother. They all relaxed more. And with no thought of dieting, Pam dropped 13 pounds over two months. She continues to become slimmer and healthier as her body feels nourished with healthy food that she lovingly eats.
In each of these stories the person became aware of the behavior he or she wanted to change, felt the emotion behind it, found the need under it all, and met that need in a healthy way. This process can transform unwanted behaviors, addictions, and even illness.
Most of us are unfamiliar with the range of our feelings and needs. Here are some lists to help identify them.
Uncomfortable Feelings That Indicate Unmet Needs
• Sad: lonely, disheartened, troubled, helpless, gloomy, grief, overwhelmed, distant, despondent, discouraged, distressed
• Mad: angry, aggravated, exasperated, frustrated, irritated, agitated, furious, enraged, hostile, bitter, pessimistic, resentful
• Scared: fearful, terrified, startled, nervous, panicky, jittery, horrified, anxious, worried, anguished
Healthy Needs
• Physical: food, water, air, rest, shelter, exercise, touch, sexual expression, nature
• Emotional: love, affection, warmth, compassion, reassurance, support, trust, stability, safety, encouragement, cherishing, play, celebration, emotional expression
• Mental: attention, acknowledgment, acceptance, consideration, appreciation, understanding, empathy, respect, honesty, autonomy, competence, learning
• Spiritual: divine love, connection with a higher power, guidance, being, harmony, inspiration, order, peace, integrity, authenticity, creativity, meaning, self-worth, renewal, responsibility, to belong, to contribute
Ideas to Meet the Needs
• Visualize your inner parent, Higher Power, or spiritual guide loving your inner child.
• Ask a friend, mate, or group to help you.
• Rewrite your past. Give yourself a new history!
• Learn from functional role models.
• See John Bradshaw’s book Homecoming, the “Corrective Exercises” chapter.
You, too, can use this process to become free in any area of your life! Try it and see! I would love to hear your results!
** This article is one of 101 great articles that were published in 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life. To get complete details on “101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life”, visit http://www.selfgrowth.com/greatways3.html