***Pre-Nuptial Agreement: Should You Have One?

By America’s #1 Love and Marriage Experts.

In the September 14th edition of the Huffington Post an article entitled, Prenuptial Agreements Are They Necessary? Two Legal Experts Debate, causes us to chime in on this important debate based upon our 30+ years of research on successful marriage around the world.

Disclaimer: With all issues involving relationships, there are exceptions due to very practical reasons and individual nuances. While we believe that Pre-Nuptial Agreements are a bad idea for first marriages, under certain circumstances they may be okay for second or third or fourth marriages. If your relationship has failed at least once, you are far better off to set up the conditions necessary to get out of the marriage without incurring hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees and others costs. Establishing a Pre-Nuptial Agreement before marrying for a second, third, or fourth time will greatly reduce the turmoil and costs involved in a divorce should one occur.

Pre-Nuptial Agreements in First Marriages: In our just-completed trip to New York City to interview married couples, we have come away believing that Pre-Nuptial Agreements are a bad idea for the most part! Imagine, telling someone that you love him or her, but you don't trust him or her! To us, this is analogous to having two separate checking accounts in a marriage -- one for him and one for her. In both cases it becomes a case of yours and mine. Or, how about this, “I love you with the following conditions.” Whatever happened to US? We? Love without conditions?

Frankly, we don't believe that the true meaning of "marriage" allows for this sort of duplicitous relationship between two people who purport to love each other. True love means true love – without conditions! You can't have a bonifide loving and successful marriage or relationship when you have a Pre-Nuptial Agreement! People who invented this concept don't know anything about real love and real relationships. Only people with an agenda (often financial instead of loving) would encourage something so anti-love, so anti-relationship, and so anti-marriage.

The sad news -- in the United States, prenuptial agreements are recognized in all fifty states and the District of Columbia. This is a sad commentary on the state of love, marriage, and relationships in America. Why do we need them? What ever happened to pure, unconditional love! We believe it still exists! It is still the norm, thank goodness!

According to Wikipedia, “There are two types of prenuptial agreements: a marriage contract for people who are married or about to be married, and a cohabitation agreement for unmarried couples. A variation for people who are already married is a postnuptial agreement.” We think all three are bad for love, bad for relationships, and bad for marriage. Here’s why.

In our research with successfully married couples for over 30 years on six of the world’s seven continents, we have found a number of recurring and pervasive themes. Foremost among them is an abiding trust in and love for each other. They trust each other completely and without conditions. People who truly love each other do so without conditions. They have unconditional love – as it should be.

Like most things in successful relationships, the little things matter. Caring deeply for someone – loving someone – is only as real as the honesty of the relationship between the two people who profess to love and care for each other.

We ask you these questions – Do you truly and deeply love someone else? Do you care for another human being more that you care for yourself? Is there someone in your life that you would die for? Is there someone you would like to spend the rest of your life on Earth with? Is there someone you share your deepest and darkest secrets with? Is there someone that you cannot imagine life without?

If the answers to all of the above are the same for both of you, then you are completely and wonderfully in love. People like you do not need a pre-nuptial agreement. What you do need to do is spend your lives together. What you do need to do is cement your relationship with each other. What you do need to do is all of the simple things required to make your marriage or relationship work. Let love reign!

In love and marriage the simple things matter.

By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz

For marriage advice and hundreds of practical tips, get the Doctor’s best-selling and multiple-award winning book Building a Love that Lasts : The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage (Jossey-Bass/Wiley) Available wherever books are sold.
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