***The Five People You Hange Out With

Who are the five adults you spend time with? (You might want to grab a piece of paper for this one.) These may be people you work with or people you play with and definitely people you live with.

• What are their positive characteristics?
• What do they do that makes you a little (or a lot) uncomfortable?
• What is the dominant theme of their conversation?
• How does all that align with your wishes for your own life?

Notice the phrase in the first sentence – spend your time. Do you ever think of actually spending time, as in spending money? Time is a valuable commodity and we truly do spend it as the minutes tick away. Do you live so that every minute is valuable? By that, I don’t mean productive or committed to the rat race. I’m all for some lying on the grass and seeing shapes in the passing clouds. I’m really addressing the value of the people we spend time with. Are we using our time wisely?

A few years ago, I realized that I was spending a lot of time, sometimes over an hour each day, talking with a friend. In the beginning, it was a great get-acquainted conversation, but after a few weeks, it became repetitive and definitely non-productive. I realized that I needed to limit our conversations because they weren’t moving either of us forward and the hour out of each of our days was actually precious.

How about spending time with someone who gossips or complains a lot or manipulates the conversation to be all about him (or her)? What is accomplished for you? Sometimes I find myself falling into an enticing trap. I am interested in people and I have opinions, but do I need to enlist others in my negative thoughts? Do I need to be enlisted into theirs? When I moved to Berkeley, I noticed my habit of making snarky comments about people as a form of entertainment. Wow! As soon as I actually heard the words coming out of my mouth, I couldn’t get away from myself fast enough! I have great radar for people who make such comments and after a few shudders worth of tolerance, I simply avoid them.

What about hanging out with people who have different values? I’m probably not going to spend much time with a racist, but what about someone who watches and comments on TV shows which I find demeaning or someone who makes derogatory comments about something I hold sacred? How about the over-achiever or the over-indulger, the person who intentionally adds stress to every day? What do I gain from being with people who live life in ways that I have chosen to avoid?

This question has come up for me recently as I’ve embraced a healthier nutrition program. Like a recovering alcoholic avoiding cocktail parties, I want to avoid social events involving food and drink that might be tempting but which I no longer want to indulge in. That’s an interesting dilemma because I’ve established my life around such social events. What can I do to inhabit a healthier environment? I have a lot of control, actually. I can suggest a walk instead of hanging out over burgers and fries. I can organize a movie outing rather than drinking beer at the local pizza place. I can redirect conversation to discussing current events rather than gossiping.

I have lots of options, but first I needed to realize how much I am like the people I hang out with and if I decide I don’t want to be like them, I can change the amount of time I am with them, I can encourage different activities, or I can even look for new people. I’m in control of me. That’s huge.

©2008, Jacqueline Hale