Episode 2: Self-Sabotage, Adam-Style

How I throw the baby out with the bathwater when things get tough.

Seems strange, but it’s not uncommon for us to deny ourselves goodness and happiness. In the past, I’ve tended to outright reject anything and everything that evokes fear, choosing instead to recreate my life than to deal with uncomfortable elements. But that’s throwing the baby out with the bathwater and missing out on opportunities to learn and grow and get to know myself…and get happy.

Case in point: Nearly a year ago the relationship I had with my boyfriend—let’s call him Finn—was spiraling out of control. Wherever we went, we left drama in our wake. We said we enjoyed sharing a romantic glass of wine together in the evening, but we were actually abusing alcohol to avoid having to work at the little messes that inevitably crop up in a life lived together. One night, after more than a few glasses, we trashed out plans to stay in and ventured out, seeking a livelier scene. We drank ourselves drunk, and our anger at the little issues we’d been ignoring blew up. I remember ignoring Finn and flirting with another man. When I awoke the next morning with a stranger, I realized something had to change.

But instead of working to understand where my behavior had come from, I pushed everything about that experience as far away as I could. Including Finn. See? Bathwater and baby, both gone.

Rejecting the good (if slightly faulty) things in my life comes easy to me—I’ve had tons of practice. A little part of me I like to call a firefighter will jump into action and justify why everything must go: “Finn isn’t the one,” this part of me explained all those months ago. “You’re only sexually attracted to him, not emotionally,” and “To stay would be to miss out on your full potential.” I was convinced leaving Finn had nothing to do with my fear of the hard work relationships require, and of facing certain truths about myself. No, I was leaving him because he held me back. I was certain. Time to start anew.

If only I had seen things more clearly. But I was not then ready. Instead, I left him. And I missed out on love.

If this pattern of fear and rejection rings true for you, don’t fret. Fear is actually showing the way. In my next post I’ll explain how I learned to be curious about what was beneath the fear…and how I reaped the rewards.

Stay tuned for more of The Evolution of Adam.