My favorite couple came in for a session this past weekend and a number of insights came out of the work with them that I wanted to share. They had called a week before to schedule the appointment and I caught myself during the week pondering what I might talk about with them—mistake! An innocent one though. Sometimes prior to certain client’s appointments I will find myself contemplating what might be blocking them—I enjoy this. But I have discovered lately even though it’s enjoyable that this mulling over is all coming from my personal mind, from my thinking and that’s not where insights and answers reside. Additionally, this kind of thinking drains you—it’s subtle. So I decided to initiate another “experiment”. Lately, regular clients are hearing me talk about the dynamic of experimenting—I believe it to be a powerful force.
I decided to stop thinking about how I might help this special couple and just turn it over to my inner wisdom, my spiritual intelligence. The next day, a big insight came! Didn’t take long! I saw clearly that one of the emotions that block this couple from being in a nicer place with one another more frequently is a feeling of “wanting”. I saw in a deeper way that “wanting” is a low mood. They seem to be in “energy of wanting” too much. They want to communicate better, they want to feel more connected, they want to simply get along better. All these dynamics are wonderful but it’s the way we hold them—too much wanting causes an unsettled feeling, a feeling of non-acceptance, a feeling of searching or needing.
These emotions drop us into a low mood—it’s subtle but its effects are more dramatic because it takes us out of our natural state of well-being. I am going to talk more and more about this natural state because I truly feel that if you can see at a little deeper level that happiness and wisdom are natural to you—they are innate—you will experience your life and your relationships with greater joy. If they nurtured an environment of acceptance and compassion for one another that will lead to more consistent nice feelings.
Usually my first goal on couples retreats is to encourage them to understand the principle of low moods: When one or both are reacting, defending, attacking, making your point, etc., to know that it’s coming out of contaminated thoughts and to walk away and wait for that “heart to heart” place to come back. And it will! This is a natural law. My advice to couples is to learn this phrase: “Sweetie, I love you, I will talk to you an hour!” Walk away, wait, go to your separate corners. That “heart to heart” place will come back and then suddenly you have all sorts of wonderful tools to work with: compassion, understanding, patience, listening, etc.. Those qualities are natural to you when you are in a higher state.
But it’s important to define the subtler signposts of a low mood. Your feelings are your best barometer. Does the conversation between you and your partner feel icky? Even a little bit? That’s a low mood! Hope is a powerful emotion and can create miracles but “Hoping” will take you our of your natural wisdom. If you are always hoping for it to be better, to get that house, to be less angry, and so on. You are in a place of un-acceptance and need. You see what I mean, brothers and sisters—it’s subtle! It’s like the difference between “assessment” and “awareness”. Assessment has a texture of judgment and awareness is neutral.
Clients ask me, “How do I hear my wisdom?” Sometime it’s about what you don’t do! If you are aware that you are in a low mood, that awareness can be of great value because you stop taking your thoughts and feeling so seriously. But be aware and then don’t try and fix it! Your nice mood will automatically come back!
The favorite couple I felt really heard the nuances of low moods. I am looking forward to seeing them again to see what happened!
Gregory Drambour is the author of The Woodstock Bridge the well-acclaimed book about Native American Spirituality. He is the owner of Sedona Sacred Journeys, a spiritual retreat center in Sedona, Az. He writes two columns: Sedona Vortex Stories and Sedona Retreat Stories.