What would you do if you started dating a man and the relationship seemed perfect. Except for one little thing... You find out that he hasn't really ended his last relationship. He's still seeing his ex while dating you. He sees her, he takes care of her emotionally and financially, and he won't tell her about you.
How would you handle this situation? Before you jump to any conclusions, stop and think for just a minute... Is it possible to love two people? How many of you have found yourself in a situation where you love two different people for two different reasons and you've been forced to choose? In my opinion, whichever choice you make, you'll never be happy because you'll wonder what you left behind...
Here’s a desperate plea from a woman whose heart is breaking.
Dear Dan and Jennifer,
I began an intimate relationship with a man when he broke up with his ex-girlfriend. We love each other, and share our common goals and values in life. This seems to be such a perfect partnership. The misery came when I realized his relationship with his ex-girlfriend is not over. He still has an intimate relationship with her. Because of this, we have arguments all the time. He said he loves me, and he can’t live without me.
Whenever I ask him about his relationship with his ex-girlfriend, he tells me he needs to take care of her. They can be friends, and I have no objection. The problem is his care is excessive and unnatural. He won't let me to meet his ex-girlfriend and he has no courage to end their intimate relationship.
Now he is not happy when I’m around, because he has less opportunity to contact her. He claims that he is losing his freedom.
I’m confused. Where is his love? Where is his promise? How can our relationship survive with so much doubt? I have sacrificed everything for this love, and I wonder what else can I give to save our relationship?
I appreciate your kind advice.
-- A broken heart
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Understanding this is crucial... It’s obvious he hasn’t let go of his past which is now jeopardizing your future together.
The big question to ask is this, "If he loves her so much and wants to take care of her, why did they break up and why are they still semi-together?"
That doesn’t make sense if he still loves her so much - why are they not together?
Why is there a need to find another partner?
Understanding this is crucial to your relationship survival. If he can't be honest with you then you really have to ask yourself what he's hiding...
The way we see it, there are two options here.
He needs to be completely honest about both relationships with both people or it won't work. If he can't be honest, then you'll never trust what he's feeling.
There’s a very interesting question here ‘Is it possible to love two people?’ A lot of people will say ‘NO’ but I disagree. I thoroughly believe that it’s absolutely possible to love two people. Although this is not socially accepted, you can certainly and absolutely love multiple people. You love your mom, you love your kids, you love your dog, you love your best friend!
So yes it is indeed possible to love multiple people.
The problem occurs is when people start confusing sex with love, and they think they can own their partner. Then jealousy rears it's ugly head. That’s why it’s an issue.
Having said that, complete honesty is a must if you're even going to attempt this kind of relationship.
Every relationship needs a solid foundation if it's to survive everything life can throw at it. Once you accept and understand that it’s possible to love two people, the next thing you need to accept is to share. You need to ask yourself if you’re willing to share his love for you and the other girl. This is called unconditional love, and it's a rare trait these days...
If Option #1 doesn't sound like a fit to you, then it's time to end this relationship as soon as possible.
Honesty is vital to the health of all relationships. Mutual trust, openness, and understanding are the key contributors to feelings of friendship and intimacy. Conversely, it is very hard to be in a relationship with a person who distorts or withholds information critical to that relationship.
Now the interesting part here is that he is NOT being honest. He is not being honest with his ex girlfriend, and he is also not being honest with you, his current girlfriend.
And that’s bad. That really stinks! You can’t have dishonesty in a healthy relationship. It negates the trust that's absolutely needed for a healthy relationship.
What he needs here is to be completely honest with himself and with both on what he actually wants, or it will never work.
If he can’t do that, it's time to run as fast as you can! Find someone that will be honest with you and show you the respect and love you deserve.
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