My boyfriend and I are in our late 30’s and have been dating for over 3 years. Today, in a casual conversation we were talking about our future and he made the comment, "I was talking to someone about our situation and..." The gist was that he was talking to this person about saving money to buy a house this year, etc.
My very innocent question to him was "Who were you talking to about this?" I know most of his friends so it was odd to me that he didn't say "I was talking to John and...." Now what makes this even worse is that he flat out told me that he was NOT going to tell me who he was talking to and that it was irrelevant. I was trying to get him to see that it is relevant to me because: 1) I wanted to know who he was talking with about our future when this was something WE ourselves had not discussed and 2) I was really just innocently asking but his insistence on not telling me makes me wonder why he can't tell me.
I do not think he is cheating. He is a hard worker and we spend most of our non-working time together. It just makes me wonder why he can't tell me this very small piece of information if it is innocent.
Am I overreacting? I have packed my things that I leave at his house (we do not live together) and told him that I need space to figure out if this is the relationship that I want to be in. Am I wrong for feeling left out of his life?
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Hello!
I agree with your boyfriend. Who the hell cares whom he said this too? How could that possibly have any bearing whatsoever on the issue at hand? Oh, wait - I know! You want to know who it is so that you can disparage the person's suggestions; thus holding on to control here.
Women are notorious about this! You talk to your girlfriends (and sometimes male friends too), family, co-workers, etc., about every aspect of your relationship lives. You gather perspective and ideas and suggestions and mull them over until they congeal into an amophous goo. Then, you come back and simply want to react based on this.
So what if your boyfriend wants to have a support network? So what if he's running ideas by someone else! You're pretty arrogant (and dare I say, insecure) to think that you're the only one he should be discussing his life with!
There is a very mistaken belief that couples need to be totally and completely honest with each other. Bullshit! That's not only unhealthy, it's impossible. Think back on every relationship you've ever had and just try to tell me that you've been "totally and completely open and honest" with your partner. Of course you haven't! You can't possibly!
You're WAY overreacting here! Go put your stuff back and go apologize to him this very instant. If you want him to have to guard everything he says to you because there's the remote chance that he might hurt your tender little feelings then you're not going to have much of a relationship. Then, take that "space" to figure out why; in your late 30's, you're acting so immaturely!
Best regards...
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Dr. Neder is known around the world as a tough, but fair relationship expert, dealing with all sorts of dating, sex and relationship issues from a man's perspective. Having written 3 books ("Being a Man in a Woman's World™" series) and is working on others, hundreds of articles, been on hundreds of radio and TV shows, he is funny, direct and intuitive.
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