One of life’s biggest set ups for being lonely is living with the erroneous belief that your way is the only way. Some people seem to have taken a life course called, How To Be Absolutely Sure of Everything! It’s like their reality testing mechanism is stuck on “It so because I think it is so.” People who feel constantly threatened and angry when others question their actions substitute being right for living a happy life.
Wanting and insisting on getting your own way is a set up for unhappiness. Rigidity in thinking leads to power struggles or
submission from others and distancing. People who are prone to anger have a set pattern of beliefs, attitudes, expectations and behaviors which insist on getting their own way.
People who must defend their rightness are often preoccupied imagined shortcomings and perceived attacks form the other person. They often feel betrayed by others. They justify their criticizing and blaming others to avoid the insight that they themselves might be in error. They fear losing power and the use of anger to keep others from asserting themselves. Here is a check list:
_____ An insatiable need to be right which masks a deep fear of being wrong
_____ A high need to expect others to see it your way
_____ An inability to say, “I don’t know.” and “I was wrong.”
_____ Feeling threatened when new ideas come from other people
_____ Fear of hearing new information that threatens your beliefs
_____ Fear of letting go; need to be in control of self at all times
_____ Preoccupation with winning approval from others
_____ The need to always be seen as tough, powerful and strong
_____ Pride at always being rational and logical
_____ Uncomfortable with expressing sensitive feelings
_____ Shame and fear of being vulnerable and insecure
_____ Fear and severe discomfort about having bad feelings
_____ Believe that others who disagree with you should “just get over it”
_____ Use anger, withdrawal or blaming to settle arguments
Fear is the major dynamic operating in this condition. People who have the need to be right usually are very strong and are not usually afraid of the most common fears of physical pain, heights, snakes, public speaking, etc. Their hidden fear is feeling vulnerable, emotional and out of control. They have a low tolerance for emotional pain. They use the sense of being right as a narcotic for unruly feelings. They feel threatened when other people bring up a differing point of view--this
is the fear of being wrong.
Uncomfortable emotions are repressed so that they do not have to be known and experienced. People who cannot feel and express emotions are called repressors in the psychological literature. Repressing of the negative emotions is more likely to be found in men and may be related to high levels of testosterone, the male hormone.
The Antidote--Learn to Feel Your Feelings
1 As you get more in touch with your feelings, you can learn to deal appropriately with things that upset you. You don’ have to be afraid of feelings. Feelings are only feelings. They come and go. Face the fear of feeling bad. Uncomfortable feelings need not be feared. The best thing to do with uncomfortable feelings is to just watch them and then learn from them.
2 As you develop your intuitive, creative side, you complement your logical, rational side making you a full functioning human being. You open the way so that others feel comfortable in approaching you.
3 As you learn to deal with anxious feelings that challenges by others brings up, you become more self sufficient. You can learn to self soothe that anxiety instead of reacting to others with defensiveness and anger. You can learn to substitute feeling good about finding an area of yourself where you can grow instead of becoming anxious and resorting to old needs to prove that you are right.
4 As you relinquish self centeredness and look to the needs of those around you, you develop intimacy and connectedness. Ask yourself, “Do I want to right or do I want to be happy?”
5 As you dismiss the belief of “I have to be need to be safe through having it my way,” you have more self understanding. Life becomes an exercise in taking responsibility for your part in conflict. Conflict is seen as an opportunity for growth. Self esteem increases when you face your deepest fear that you might be wrong.
6 As you release your need to only see things in the way that you have seen them before, you open up new possibilities. Rigidity of thought fosters predictability which does help keep anxiety at bay. With new stress management tools to deal with anxiety and uncertainty, life becomes more exciting. Choices and alternatives increase--there will be more adventures in your life.
7 As you let go of your need to control others, you have more energy to spend on things that are really important. It is a heavy, consuming job to be in charge of everything! Life is more fun when you no longer are in charge of making things right in the world!
8 As you learn anger resolution and safe expression skills, your self esteem improves. Learn skills and tools to deal with your anger. Anger skills can be learned just as any other topic.
9 Take an anger management or conflict resolution course to learn constructive ways to deal with anger. A whole set of communication tools are needed to help deal with angry feelings.
10 Life becomes less threatening as you understand that feelings are only feelings and uncomfortable states of emotions can be endured and regulated. Learning to deal with vulnerable feelings will help you become a more well rounded individual going from “I need to be right” to “I choose to be a real person, uncomfortable feelings and all.”
Lynne Namka is a psychologist and personal coach in Tucson, AZ. She can be reached at 520-797-0102. A recent review of her award winning web site said, "Amazing site!!! It teaches kids how to handle their anger, conflict resolution (the politically correct term for "making up") and alternatives to
violence. But it gets better! There is a section for parents on dealing with kids when they are angry, fighting siblings, and even when the parents themselves are angry, either with the kids or at other adults. Other features include a section for couples, for teachers and therapists, and downloadable articles."