TWELVE STEPS TO CONSCIOUS LOVE RELATIONSHIPS

(The basic ideas of this article are inspired by the work of Gay and Katherine Hendricks)

We can move toward a conscious love relationship by committing ourselves to consciously working toward that goal. We need to clearly understand what kind of relationship we want to create and be willing to commit ourselves to that goal. This means choosing to work on ourselves rather than falling back into unconscious behavior patterns.

These twelve commitments free us to love our partner consciously without games and fears.

1. I consciously commit myself to being as open and united as possible with you and to removing from myself anything that obstructs that openness.

We choose to observe ourselves and discover when we are closing up, when we do not feel united with or open to the other, and to work on getting free from any fears or mechanisms that obstruct our feelings of love and unity with the other.

2. I consciously commit myself to participating fully in my personal development and spiritual evolution.

Our relationship is a basic part of our growth process. We grow, learn and evolve through our conscious contact with the other. We choose to support each other in our growth process and will not allow this relationship to stunt our growth. We are simultaneously committed to the relationship and to evolving into better individuals. The relationship should not obstruct growth, and our growth, in turn, should not separate us.

This is important because in many cases, we allow our relationships to impede our dedication to our inner growth, and at others we allow our spiritual efforts to alienate us from our loved one. We need to harmoniously combine these two aspects of our lives.

3. I consciously commit myself to telling the complete truth in every situation.

Only through truth can we create a love that is alive and flowing. As long as we are not totally truthful, we are living in fear. Perhaps we fear the other’s rejection or anger.

A conscious love relationship will eventually reach the level of inner security and self-acceptance so we can tell and hear the truth without being hurt or offended. True love means being able to accept the other along with all of his or her feelings and needs. True love means being able to share our inner world without fear.

Some symptoms that reveal we are hiding feelings or thoughts might be:

1. We may experience frequent headaches, a blockage in the throat are or a tense jaw.

2. We may have difficulty breathing.

3. We may feel tension in the abdominal area or in the arms.

4. We may find ourselves avoiding the other.

5. We might become annoyed by the other’s questions.

6. We might find ourselves getting upset with the other for small unimportant reasons, release pent up feelings that have nothing to do with the event we are getting upset about.

Self-acceptance is a basic prerequisite for being able to recognize, accept and express our emotions.

4. I consciously commit myself to empowering you in every way and helping you manifest your latent potential.

Many relationships become antagonistic and competitive in which each tries to be better or more right than the other. This is a result of our self-doubt and our need to verify our self-worth by being more right, more capable or more successful than the other. This leads to jealousy and an inability to support or empower the other in his or her efforts. We fear the other’s success and power.

By committing ourselves to this ideal, we free ourselves from this unfortunate situation. We help the other to blossom and enjoy his or her successes. We help and support each other in our goals and efforts and rejoice in our successes.

5. I consciously commit myself to taking 100% responsibility for the reality I create through my interpretations and projections.

We usually seek to blame others for our unhappiness or mistakes. We find it difficult to accept responsibility for what we feel and create in our lives. We seek to avoid accepting our own failings and mistakes.

This commitment is perhaps one of the most difficult to employ. We now need to take full responsibility for every emotion we feel and every reality we create. The truth behind this fact may be difficult to understand at first.

We have come to believe that our feelings are created by what others do and what happens in our lives. The reality, however, is that what others do or say or what happens are only the stimuli that trigger our programmings and beliefs. Our beliefs create our emotions. We interpret events according to what we believe about ourselves and others. Those interpretations create our emotional reality.

One of us may interpret what is happening as threatening or demeaning, while another may see it as positive or pleasant, and still another may feel indifferent. For example, someone burping at a meal would be considered rude and inconsiderate to a European, whereas an Arab might consider it a compliment to how good the meal was. An Indian might not even hear it, as it is considered simply a natural bodily function. Who is right? Each creates a different reality with the same stimulus or event.

Only we can create a new reality for ourselves. We can do so by discovering and transforming the beliefs and attachments that are creating our unhappiness. A relationship is an ideal school for this process. Details on how this can be done are given in the book Psychology of Happiness.

6. I consciously commit myself to being happy with you in this relationship.

The possibility that we might not want to be happy may seem strange at first, but detailed examination will show that we usually cannot stand too much happiness for a long period of time. We have been programmed to believe that after happiness there will be pain. There are even phrases we use to avoid attracting problems when we admit that things are actually going well. We say, “Knock on wood, everything is fine.”

Secondly, many of us are in the role of the victim, “poor me,” and therefore cannot admit to feeling happiness or else we could no longer be “poor me’s”. We also need to complain, criticize and blame in order to establish our self-worth. How can we do that if we admit we are happy and that everything is fine?

There is also a fear of the unknown, of appearing silly or of not being serious. Often when one is very high and happy, the other becomes serious, thus bringing him or her “down” to being a serious adult.

Some might also fear the intensity of emotions that occur when we are both very happy, admitting it and allowing ourselves to laugh and play and enjoy each other as two young children.

We manage to avoid high states of energy and happiness in some of the following ways:

a. We are unable to accept or hear positive messages from others. We discard what they say as simply having nothing to do with us.

b. We remain attached to the past or future, and seldom experience the present moment.

c. We cultivate worrisome thoughts that make us unhappy. We think of everything that has gone wrong or could go wrong.

d. We criticize and reject ourselves and others.

e. We create arguments or conflicts to destroy our happiness.

f. We unconsciously lock into various matters or situations to avoid experiencing the happiness of the present.

g. We avoid and conceal our feelings, both positive ad negative.

h. We do things we know will upset the other, i.e. being late, ignoring our agreements, etc.

Some ways in which we can start to get used to being happy and having high energy with someone are:

a. We can learn to give space to the other to be alone when he or she needs it, and can take our own space when we need it.

b. We can tell the truth and hide nothing in. Withholding the truth dulls the relationship.

c. We can use deep breathing and dance to help free up our energy.

d. We can hold, hug, caress, touch, massage and show affection to significantly increase our energy level.

e. We can learn to express our needs rather than complain.

f. The ultimate solution is to allow our beliefs to evolve and realize that we are expressions of divinity and that we have every right to happiness and creative ecstasy.

g. We can realize that the key to happiness is to love and accept ourselves and others as we are, and accept the fact that we deserve happiness.

7. I consciously commit myself to learning to love you and myself unconditionally.

As you probably have understood, this is the foundation of any conscious love relationship. The subject of accepting others is discussed in a previous chapter, while the subject of accepting ourselves is discussed in The Psychology of Happiness

8. I consciously commit myself to learning to feel and share my emotions with you without blaming you, and to listen to your emotions without taking them personally.

Many of us have lost the ability to know and express what we feel. This becomes a major obstacle in our exchange of love and energy. Being cut off from our real feelings, we also cut the other off from important parts of our being.

Another problem is that, not knowing what we really feel, we confront the other with the wrong emotions, which confuse him and create unnecessary conflicts. For example, a man who does not recognize his fear expresses anger, and his wife feels abused and hurt because she has done nothing to warrant his anger.

His wife may not be able to accept her anger or sexual feelings, and thus goes into depression, something he cannot understand because she has “everything she needs” to be happy.

These problems cannot be solved until we are able to identify what feel and express it. Of course, we want to take responsibility for what we feel so that, when we share it with the other, we do not blame or criticize, but simply inform him or her about what is going on within us.

How can we begin to know what we are feeling?

a. We can take time, be still and begin to feel what is going on inside the body.

b. We allow our consciousness to flow into the various parts of the body and notice where we hold tension. Tension is a sign of pent up emotions.

c. We then go deeper and feel the emotions behind those superficial ones. For example, we might feel anger, and below that, hurt or fear that causes the anger.

d. We can then get in touch with the needs and beliefs that are creating those feelings.

e. We then accept and take responsibility for the feelings we are creating.

f. While accepting the part of ourselves that feels that way, we can also mentally send love and light to that part of our being, physical and mental.

g. Allow this love and light to heal that part of our being.

h. We then share our feelings, needs and beliefs with the other without criticism or blame.

9. I consciously commit myself to being self sufficient and whole unto myself.

We often mistake love with attachment, fear, need and dependency. Love comes from strength and the assurance that we will be fine with or without the other. Only then can our love be pure and free from need or fear. The moment we need something from the other, and he or she cannot give that to us, our security and love are diminished, especially if we believe the other could and should give this to us.

When we need something from the other, we tend to change who we are in order to get what we need, perhaps playing the roles of intimidator, interrogator, victim, or aloof. These roles are the opposite of love and truth.

Only when we are independent can we really love unconditionally. We will be with the other because out of choice and not out of fear, loneliness or emptiness.

One part of experiencing our self-sufficiency within a relationship is to recognize our mutual needs to be alone occasionally. This is often taboo in many relationships. Some programmings that make this unthinkable are:

1. If she really loved me, she would not want to be alone or want to do something by herself or with others.

2. If I want time for myself, I am a bad partner.

3. A couple that does not do everything together is not in love.

Shakespeare has written, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” We begin to appreciate our loved one even more after a little space from him or her.

It is true, however, that being apart can also be an excuse for people who are afraid of getting close to the other. It may be a form of avoidance or even revenge. Thus, we must have discrimination. Too much absence may starve a relationship, and too little make suffocate it.

Some indications that we need some space might be the following:

1. Avoiding contact with our partner.

2. Avoiding eye contact.

3. Watching too much TV or being otherwise occupied.

4. Not paying attention to what the other is saying.

5. Being preoccupied with our work or other activities.

6. Ensuring that others will be continuously around us.

7. Criticizing, blaming or arguing frequently.

If we find ourselves engaging in these types of behavior, we may need to discuss this with our partner to see how we can both renew ourselves, so we can be more positive and attentive when we are together. A few hours of attentive contact will give us much more pleasure than days of being together while being closed into ourselves.

10. I consciously commit myself to keeping my agreements with you.

There is no surer way to lose someone’s trust than to ignore agreements and promises. This is an absolute in any conscious love relationship. It is better to avoid making agreements we may not be able to keep. When we have made a promise that we see will be difficult to manifest, it is better to discuss this with the other rather than ignore it.

In cases where we observe that we are frequently delinquent in keeping our agreements, we may want analyze what subconscious programming may be obstructing us.

a. We may fear losing our freedom.

b. We may have negative feelings toward the other.

c. We may be testing the other’s love.

d. We may have adopted the role of the bad boy or girl and are keeping up our reputation.

e. We may have needs we are unable to admit to the other, and thus make agreements that our needs then prevent us from keeping.

11. I consciously commit myself to learning to communicate effectively

This method of communication is discussed other chapters.

12. I consciously commit myself to cultivating my relationships with god.

Our relationship with the Divine is a tremendous source of inner security and inner strength that will allow us to love the other without being dependent upon him or her. We can take from our inner relationship with God and be in a position to give to others without needing something in return. This very important aspect of self-transformation will not be discussed in this book. It is extensively presented in the books Universal Philosophy and The Art of Meditation.

All of these aspects of creating a healthy conscious love relationship will be investigated further as we proceed.