Whether you are single wishing to develop a relationship or have a relationship wishing to change or end it, changing the situation you are in involves taking a risk. The Fear of Letting Go might withhold you from taking such a risk since it makes you anxious about an uncertain future. But the only way to get out of an unsatisfying situation is to get up the courage to make a change.
STAYING IN AN UNSATISFYING SITUATION
You might be single wishing to enter a relationship but are afraid to develop one due to the fear of losing your independence, fear of being hurt or other fears.
Or you might have a relationship, but you feel unsatisfied, wishing to either change or end it, but you hesitate, “postpone” whatever change to later on…if at all.
In both cases you prefer to stick with the known and familiar rather than risk confronting a new situation.
WHY IS THE FEAR OF CHANGE SO POWERFUL OVER YOU?
Whether you are single or in a relationship, wishing to make a change but are afraid to, the fear of letting go, of giving up the known and familiar might have its grip on you, causing you to stay where you are, in spite of being unsatisfied and bitter.
In what follows I bring three examples showing how the fear of letting go, of giving up the known and familiar withholds you from making a change:
EXAMPLE 1: THE FEAR OF LETTING FO OF THE KNOWN AND FAMILIAR - TINA
During the ten months that she’s been dating Henry, Tina is well aware that he isn’t for her. She knows she must end the relationship and should find another partner.
But she looks around at her friends and their partners and reads the singles ads in newspapers and on internet, and tells herself that there’s no guarantee she’ll find anyone better or anyone else at all. Eventually she might end up alone.
When they’re in bed and he falls asleep first, she asks herself how much longer she’ll lie awake beside him, thinking about her future and falling asleep dreaming of a better life - to wake up to a new day that’s no different from the previous one.
Explanation:
The fear about the life she will have if she leaves Henry is withholding Tina from ending a relationship that isn’t good for her. And despite her insomnia, dissatisfaction and inner shame, she’s afraid to let go of him.
WHEN YOU HETISTATE TO MAKE A CHANGE
Just like Tina, you at times might hesitate to change your current situation because you are afraid that you might end up facing a worse one. You're already familiar with the existing situation. You feel threatened by an uncertain, unknown new one, and you think:
* “What will happen if...?”
* “Who knows where it will lead?”
* “Who knows what could happen?”
…and you stay in the current situation.
EXAMPLE 2: THE FEAR OF LETTING GO OF A PARTNER - KATE
Kate has been feeling unsatisfied with Johnny for a year now. What was once good has become boring and lifeless. Two people living together, getting up in the morning, going their separate ways and coming home in the evening, each one busy with his/her things. Once in a while, just to break the routine, they do something together: go to a movie, a restaurant or out with friends.
Where’s the romance, Kate asks herself, and why is she willing to go on like this, anyway? Even sex is no good any more. And the endless talks they used to have, have long since been forgotten. So what does she have left, except for…except for what, actually?
Comment:
What’s left for Kate and Johnny is the known and familiar, and she’s afraid to give it up.
WHEN THE FEAR OF LETTING GO PARALYZES YOU
The fear of letting go of a relationship and a partner sometimes paralyzes you. You continue hanging on to something that isn’t good for you any more. You avoid leaving out of fear that you won't have anyone at all. You think:
* I’m already accustomed to my partner.
* I know how to manage with what I have.
* I don’t feel I have the energy to begin something new.
EXAMPLE 3: THE FEAR OF LETTING GO WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE A PARTNER - ALBERT
Albert hasn’t had a long-term relationship in years. Sometimes he tells himself that he would like to have one; that he’s fed up of being alone. But the years are passing by and his life doesn't change.
Explanation:
Albert says he wants a relationship, but he’s used to the routine of his single life, is afraid of losing his independence and of how his life would be like with a lasting partner. That’s why he jumps from one short relationship to another.
How does it apply to you:
When you are single and feel dissatisfied, you might avoid getting into a relationship out of fear of letting go of your “independence” and routine. The fear of letting go of your current situation might withhold you from finding intimacy. You are afraid:
* To give up the single lifestyle.
* To lose control of your life.
* That a partner might stifle you.
* To confront uncertainty.
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE
Changing a situation which is known and familiar involves taking a risk. The Fear of Letting Go might withhold you from taking such a risk since it makes you anxious about an uncertain future.
But the only way to get out of an unsatisfying situation – be it wanting a relationship and not having one, or having one and desiring to change it – is to get up the courage to make a change and pursue what is important to you.
Doron Gil, Ph.D., is an expert on Self-Awareness and Relationships with a 30 year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counselor and consultant. He has written more than 140 articles on the subject and is the author of “The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship”. Available as eBook and Paperback: http://amzn.to/eAmMmH
More on Dr. Gil and his book: http://self-awareness-and-relationships.blogspot.com
For a complete list of Dr. Gil’s articles and their links: http://relationship-self-awareness-advice.blogspot.com