Written by: Renee L. Richardson
When Love Hurts to Work
How many times have you found yourself smack in the middle of an intimate relationship of which just doesn’t work? The mere thoughts of how we longed to see this person in particular pierces our hearts like a spear. What could’ve happened? Where did it go wrong? Is this even the same person that I fell in love with? Well, I have on several accounts asked myself the very same question. Below, I have outlined some behaviors of which I have deemed as inappropriate while in abusive relationships.
1. He/she is beginning to criticize everything that you do.
2. He/she is exempting signs of controlling behaviors (e.g. your whereabouts, inquiries about who you’re spending your time with).
3. When having a discussion, he/she monopolizes the entire conversation.
4. He/she attempts to cause “crazy making” in order to avoid getting to the bottom of issues.
5. He/she becomes violent in the attempt to dismiss the conversation.
6. He/she suggests that if you were not so pushy these arguments would not occur.
7. He/she places total blame on the other partner (without taking some responsibility for issues within the relationship).
8. He/she utilizes the silent treatment for extended periods of time in the attempt to gain control and to “teach” the other person involved a lesson.
9. The old hook line and sinker (The honeymoon periods filled with tender concerns and lots of gift-giving) which will eventually result in an explosive behavior(s) when he/she doesn’t get his/her way.
10. When any abuse occurs (verbal insults, emotional withdrawal, and physical abuse).
Ways to cope with the above signs of abuse:
1. When he/she begins to criticize you, remain calm and target one subject at a time
2. When someone constantly questions your whereabouts remain calm and thank them for their care and concern while reminding them that you are a responsible individual who is capable of taking good care of yourself.
3. When someone monopolizes a conversation, keep in mind that they are trying to avoid your side of the story. Suggest that the both of you take equal amounts of time to verbalize feelings and repeat the same amount of time to suggest solutions or different behaviors/approaches that is satisfactory to both parties.
4. When a person is causing crazy-making their goal is to twist your words/perceptions in light of throwing you off balance so that you are unable to communicate your feelings. When such occurs, remind the person to stick to the subject at hand and if such behaviors persist, discontinue the conversation to a later time.
5. Whenever there is violence, do NOT attempt to resolve or discuss anything further; you will only infuriate the violent party.
6. When someone accuses you of being “pushy” reassure them that you are only voicing your concerns due to your dedication to the relationship.
7. Whenever someone blames all of the issues within a relationship on the other partner, it is safe to say that such a person is either viewing the relationship and their behaviors through a one dimensional lens. In such cases, reiterate that there are two persons within an intimate relationship and in light of such both parties are responsible for positives as well as negatives. Suggest making individual lists of one’s own positives and negatives brought into the relationship (such will promote ownership); keep it “I” avoid pointing out one another’s issues; it will only result in arguing.
8. Giving each other a chance to cool down after a misunderstanding is not harmful but can be helpful. The silent treatment for long periods of time can be a sure sign that the person is avoiding communicating. Such is also a tactic to make the other person feel guilty and less likely to disagree in the future. Plainly, it is a control tactic.
9. The old take this gift, forget about what I said or did to hurt you trick is one of the most utilized by abusers. When confronted with the gift giving, thank the person giving the gift but remind them that you are still hurting from the disagreement and that you would like the opportunity to express your feelings.
10. When physical, verbal, and emotional abuse occurs, it is recommended to leave. Get to a safe location and do not agree to meet with the abuser. However, if you do agree to meet with the abuser, do NOT go alone.
For more helpful articles from experts in “Abuse and Recovery” www.selfgrowth.com
Renee L. Richardson has always possessed a passion for learning and attempting to understand people. In addition, she has a profound respect for utilizing every experience whether positive or negative as teachable moments.
Growing up in a low socio economic environment, she has defied physics so to speak with her dynamic approaches to wellness as she reflects on her past experiences as a tool of guidance. In addition, Renee has a BA in Liberal Arts with a concentration in Psychology, a MA in Education and is currently seeking a Phd in Counseling Psychology; all of which are considered bonuses to her natural talent when interacting with individuals as she assists them in appraoches and methods to foster psycholgical growth.
Renee has also written two books of which is scheduled to be published in 2012. The first book written is a semi-autobiography of which explains the childhood abuse that she endured. The book reveals the tools and methods of which concluded as successful as she encountered and balanced her extremely toxic relationships throughout childhood and well into her adult life.
As a full time teacher, adjunct professor, and motivational speaker, Renee welcomes the challenges of speaking out at public events in the attempt to touch at least one person. Her relentless efforts to spread a positive word whether in person or via the written word, she welcomes the challenges in regard to promoting change.